


When We Were Young

by Rosesaregreen



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, everlark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:46:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 53,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22125064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosesaregreen/pseuds/Rosesaregreen
Summary: After years have passed, Katniss Everdeen, running a house to help the underprivileged living in the Seam, and Peeta Mellark, now the mayor of 12-Ward, cross paths and remember feelings they thought could never exist again.
Relationships: Katniss Everdeen/Peeta Mellark
Comments: 70
Kudos: 138





	1. When We Were Young

She was so nervous that she had nearly made herself sick.

Katniss hated these types of events: these congratulatory, self-indulgent galas. The expensive dresses and the uncomfortable shoes and the powdery shit they would pat on her face, over and over. It was a “necessary engagement”, Effie, her events coordinator had told her when she tried to wiggle her way out of it. And she knew, she always knew. Her little non-profit that could; her home for the abandoned children of 12-Ward, needed all the exposure and self-indulgent money it could get. So Katniss would suck it up and put on the sole crushing heels, and the too-tight gowns, and let Effie pester with her hair.

But this time was different.

She had nearly keeled over when Effie placed the itinerary on her desk on a foggy morning two weeks ago. There, in shimmery gold lettering, was _Keynote Speech by Home in the Meadow President, Katniss Everdeen_. A speech. A keynote _fucking_ speech in front of the elite of 12-Ward. Oh yeah, it gets worse. Worse than her name in bright gold letters was the name underneath it: _Introduction by Mayor Peeta Mellark_.

Peeta Mellark.

He was everywhere, that was no shock. Everyone knew he was going places, ever since grade school when the teacher would ask the class if anyone wanted to read the paragraph of our textbook aloud, and his hand shot up in the air like a rocket taking flight… He was good at his job, _very_ good. The youngest mayor the city ever had at a striking age of 27. He cared about 12-ward, and most importantly, the people who inhabited it. But even with his good intentions, his policies were hurting those who needed the help. Those in the Seam, where she grew up, struggling to feed themselves and their children. To find jobs with decent wages. To survive. But he was a huge donor to Home by the Meadow, was one of it’s first donors when the house first opened it’s doors five years ago. She never questioned the motive, just kept the image that he was a man with money and wanted to put it to good use. But on certain nights, when the loss of a child chilled her down to her bones, more than the lack of heat in her small apartment, she imagined that he did it because he knew It was home for her. A home she built to give kids what she never had. Or simply because he saw her name on the door.

Katniss shifted uncomfortably in her seat, shockingly early to the event in honor of the most charitable charities in the city. The irony of that statement never failed to force her eyes to roll into the back of her head. People began to trickle into the decorated ballroom, full of crystal chandeliers and three tables spread with the richest of foods. Effie got her eye from across the room and motioned for Katniss to join her. The woman of honor should not be hiding at her table chewing on ice cubes. Katniss cursed herself as she stumbled in her shoes to gain her footing, plastering the smile that Effie deemed “appropriate for appearances”. She shook hands and accepted the praise and compliments for her work for the inner-city youth. One older woman, with wrinkly skin that nearly matched her leather handbag and cloaked in a fur shawl that was probably worth two months of her rent, leaned down and whispered, “I don’t know how you do it. Live with those hopeless vermin. You deserve more than a check.” It took everything within Katniss not to push the old hag to the ground and yell obscenities at her. Instead, she excused herself.

Katniss found a stairwell and climbed to the fourth floor, far enough away where she felt no one could imagine she had gone. She found a dressing room, complete with vanity mirrors and couches, clearly tailor-made for a wedding party. She fell onto the couch with a loud “oomph”, kicking her shoes off and burrowing her feet under her. She relished in the quiet, the hustle and bustle of the gala a few floors below draining her in a way her work never could. She reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper, slightly damp from the sweat that had collected between her breasts. She glanced at the sheet, the words blurring together in front of her. She had never been good with words, and this speech was making her crack.

“Guess I’m not the only one hiding, huh?” Katniss turned her head to the other side of the room, not sure if the crack in her neck or the ache in her heart was more painful. There in the doorway of the bathroom stands Peeta Mellark, in a well-fitting plum suit and shimmering baby blues that send a chill through her.

“Katniss Everdeen?” He took a few steps towards her then stopped, taking her in. The way he was watching her, devouring her, it made her feel more uncomfortable in her green gown.

“Peeta Mellark. Or, Mayor Mellark, I should say.” He cringed, then let out a slight chuckle.

“Katniss, please. You’ve known me since before I could tie my shoelaces.”

“I do remember you, countless times, tripping over your laces in your rush to the jungle Jim. Would the people of 12-Ward be as head over heels if they knew their precious mayor couldn’t tie his own two laces?” His lips spread in this wide white smile, slightly crooked, and she realized how much she had missed it. How could she miss something that was never hers? She didn’t realize how close he was now, how steadily he was inching towards the couch.

“So, I’m guessing you hate giving speeches as much now as you did back in school?” He motioned towards the crumpled sheet that was still in her hands. She moved her hand behind her, hiding the speech under her butt. Peeta chuckled.

“I am truly amazed at how little people change.”

“And here I am, amazed at how much people do.” A chill filled the air as their eyes linked, question in his stare.

“Katniss—“

“Don’t.” She stood up and dusted herself off, stuffing her speech back into the safety of her bosom. “I should get back. Effie is going to kill me.” She attempted to walk past him, but his gentle touch meeting her shoulder froze her.

“Wait. Please, just…wait.” She stood still but refused to meet his eyes and face him. The close proximity of him was already too much. His scent was so sweet, a soft mixture of cinnamon that reminded her of his father’s bakery, and a musk completely _him_. “Use your heart.”

“What?” Now she turned to him and immediately regretted it when his sincere eyes found her soul.

“You don’t need a prewritten speech. Don’t tell them what you think they want to hear. Tell them what they need to hear.”

“Some of us don’t have the luxury of being loved by the entire city. They get what they want, and my kids get money. We survive another year.”

“Trust me, Katniss. You’ve always been at your best when you are…well when you are yourself. Save the soul-crushing appeasement to me.” Katniss couldn’t take her eyes off of him. Something about him was so…captivating. The way his hand was ghosting over the small of her back and the desperation in his eyes…she trusted him. 

Katniss left first, stumbling back into her shoes and nearly falling down the stairs as she found her way back to the ballroom. Things were settling now as patrons were finding their seats, the first course soon to be served. Katniss could feel the irritation of Effie’s stare from across the room, but she simply smiled in return as she took her seat.

“Where were you?” Effie seethed through smiling teeth.

“Had to finish up my speech. Sorry, I didn’t mean to be gone so long.” Effie scoffed but Katniss could tell that she was already over the entire thing. No matter how much Effie cared about appearances and utterly trivial things, the woman had a true genuine spirit. She loved deeper than anyone Katniss had ever met. Well, besides her sister.

The room suddenly fell silent besides the sound of chairs scooting backward against the wood floor. Peeta was entering the room, his advisor, Haymitch Abernathy, preceding him. It was customary to stand when established members of the government entered a room, and Katniss was no exception. But, she felt her knees buckling as Haymitch stopped at the seat next to hers at the main table in the front of the room. The thought that the mayor would be sitting at this table made complete and total sense, but at this moment it pained her. When Peeta arrived after a few minutes of shaking hands and schmoozing the room, he whispered something to Haymitch and he moved over a seat. A cloud of cinnamon floated around her as Peeta sat next to her. Effie was on her feet immediately, leaning in to speak.

“Mayor Mellark! It is such an honor to be at the same table as you. Truly, truly an honor!” Katniss rolled her eyes as Effie’s more traditional and precise accent came back; it tends to make an appearance when she is nervous and trying to use her Capitol background as leverage.

“Of course, Ms. Trinkett. It is a true pleasure to be in such wonderful company.” Katniss could have sworn she saw him looking at her from the corner of his eye.

Dinner was being served and Katniss ate quietly while those around chatted and laughed. She felt so uncomfortable being the center of attention at this huge table and event. She felt like a circus animal, everyone staring and probably whispering about her. The worst part is that the whispers weren’t even about her life-consuming work, but more about her appearance and personal life. _Katniss Everdeen: the girl who escaped the Seam. The orphan girl. The girl with the dead sister._

Strange how your past defines you.

“You never get used to it.” His warm breath in her ear startled her. She turned to look at Peeta, his earnest eyes on her, and she wondered how long he had been staring at her.

“What?”

“The spotlight. You never quite get used to people staring at you all the time. Trust me.”

“This is nothing new for you, Mayor Mellark.” His left eyebrow twitched, again. It was as if he had some involuntary reaction to being referenced as the mayor. “Even when we were young, everyone always had their eyes on you. Everything you did was always so…beautiful. The way you would unwrap your rolls at lunch and then immediately hand your extras out to the kids who didn't have anything. How you smile when you're nervous…” Katniss clasped her hand over her mouth, suddenly realizing that her words had been real and not in her head. She shoved a large spoonful of lamb stew into her mouth to shut herself up.

“You make me sound like a movie, Katniss. I never knew you had been watching.” His voice was soft, almost inaudible. _Me either,_ she thought. Before she could stick her foot any further into her mouth, Haymitch leaned over to whisper something to Peeta. He stood up and the room came to attention.

“Showtime.” He whispered to her with a soft smile. She could feel the lamb stew crawling back up her throat. Peeta stood at the podium, his mayoral smile gleaming brightly under the chandelier lights.

“Good evening, patrons of 12-Ward! How are we doing tonight?” The crowd answered excitedly. Katniss could never dream of moving a crowd so easily, with such purpose.

“I am so happy to see this room filled. I know it was no cheap ticket to this event, but this money is going somewhere so worthwhile. As we all know, 12-Ward is an amazing place to live and to grow. I have lived here my entire life, and could never imagine living anywhere else. I am who I am because of this brilliant city, and I think I turned out alright!” The crowd laughed like it was the funniest thing they had ever heard. Katniss felt a small smile on her lips. Effie pinched her arm, a signal to be more engaged.

“But this night is not about me. This night is about those working on the ground floor, those dedicating their lives to servicing those working the hardest in this city. For the people who are struggling to make ends meet and to taste all that this place has to offer them. I know that no matter how hard I have worked, my family never had to want for anything as I grew up. We were steady, and because of that, our lives were steady. But, there are so many who deserve to have a steady life yet cannot. We are working hard to find solutions to change this, but things do not happen overnight.

“That is where these lovely people come in. They do the work that I, unfortunately, cannot do. And they do a damn good job. Can we take a moment to appreciate them? These hardworking, dedicated and selfless people and organizations?” The room jumped to their feet in applause and whoops, and for the first time, Katniss felt pride swell in her. There was always applause and appreciation, but Peeta made it genuine. People see that their mayor appreciates the work, so they will appreciate it, _really_ appreciate it, too.

“As we continue to honor, donate, and support these people doing this work, we must remember that we all cannot reach the mountain without the opportunity. These people are providing that opportunity, and myself, and all of 12-Ward, are indebted to you for that. But enough of me!” The crowd cries for more, begs their mayor to stay, but he is vigilant. “It is time for me to introduce our keynote speaker.” Katniss thought she was going to vomit before, but she could now feel every meal she had eaten today in the back of her throat.

“This woman has overcome more obstacles than one should in such a short life. She has lost all those that were with her at the beginning of her life: a father, then a mother and eventually the most treasured of all, her beloved sister.” Katniss hated it when people talked about her like she wasn’t there. Like she was some fable. How could anyone else know what it was like to lose those that were meant to protect and love you forever? How it feels to have your heart ripped out your chest, over, and over, and over? But Peeta…he saw it all happen, and the delicate way his voice drops, she is less unnerved.

“Growing up in the seam, Katniss fought her way from poverty and hardship and by sheer will and brilliance, attended the prestigious Panem University out on the East Coast. She got away and soaked all the world had to offer before coming back home. Seeing her old neighborhood still struggling, Katniss knew what she had to do. Immediately after returning to 12-Ward, Katniss started the Home by the Meadow foundation which provides scholarships, after school programming, and housing for those struggling the most in our city. Katniss Everdeen is a huge proponent to the crime and homelessness in our city declining at record speeds. Without her and Home by the Meadow, this city that we love so dearly would be lost.” As Katniss watched Peeta speak, she felt her words from earlier come to life. The way he held the podium with both sturdy hands, and his lips as his tongue would dart out as he would pause between his words. It was like she was watching a film she wanted to replay in her mind over and over.

“Please help me in welcoming Katniss Everdeen to the stage!” The crowd was on its feet, clapping with pride as Katniss stood from her seat. She wiped her trembling hands on her silk dress as she watched the crowd. This was unreal. She had the sudden need to run and could feel her feet turning towards the exit when his hand met her shoulder. She looked up and felt all the nerves fade away as he leaned into her ear.

“Remember what I said.” And he was leading her towards the podium and she was suddenly alone. The room was quiet, watching and waiting. Katniss reached for her chest where her speech was waiting but stopped. She could do this. As she gazed into the crowd, Katniss found the face of the old leathery woman who insulted her kids, and the fire sparked in her heart.

“H-hello, everyone.” The crowded shouted a hearty hello back. “Thank you all for coming and honoring all these organizations tonight. We all truly appreciate your donations and support. I cannot lie to you; I have no idea why the hell they let me give a keynote speech!” The crowd laughed, almost as receptive to her as they were to Peeta. He was right. “But regardless, I am here and you are forced to listen. Pee—Mayor Mellark gave me an incredible introduction, but I am truly not that wonderful or worthy of this praise. I made it out of the Seam because I worked hard and worked the system. I got scholarships for the most expensive school in the country because I had no family and a perfect ACT score. My kids, the kids who live in the Home by the Meadow house and who use our programs, do not have those opportunities. Even without families, they were never told they were brilliant and could be successful. They are more worried about feeding their siblings and families than the homework they have due the next day.

“I came home because I never wanted to see anyone else from my home suffer the way I did. Children should never know the constant pain of hunger. They should never have to feel unloved and unwanted. They should never have to be mom and dad to their baby sister.” Katniss took a long sip of the water near the microphone, her chest getting tight at the memories of her youth. “Home by the Meadow, and all these other organizations and even those not here tonight, need as much help and support as possible. We are non-profits and work off of the donations we receive. We charge nothing to feed our families. And there is no stress quite like the one of trying to save a life that means something to you. Those nightmares never truly go away. So, my hope is that you all truly see how hard we are working to save the lives of those forgotten of 12-Ward. And I can only hope that this inspires you to come see our facilities and see how brilliant and wonderful these children are. I am lucky to be with them. Everyone likes to say that we are saving lives, but it's the opposite. They are saving me. Thank you.”

The crowd was on its feet, some already writing checks as they stood to cheer on her speech. Peeta was next to her and without thinking, she fell into his arms and let her tears fall onto his shoulder. He wrapped her in a tight embrace, and she suddenly wanted to be in a movie she never thought she needed to see.

* * *

When the night had winded down and Katniss’ arm was sore from shaking hands and posing for pictures, she was more than ready to slip away and go home. But he was still here, talking with important members of his cabinet and donors. Effie had long left, which means she really was more than welcome to leave, but she just couldn’t. She stood in the lobby, pacing back and forth and questioning her motives for staying at an event she did not even want to attend, long after the checks were written and coffee cups cleared.

“Waiting for me?” Peeta was standing in the doorway to the ballroom, exhaustion deep in his eyes.

“God no. Just waiting for an old friend.” She smiled as he walked over to her.

“People were tripping over themselves after your speech. Writing checks like it was their job!”

“Yeah well…we’ll see how long these acts of kindness last. These people act like they care for a few hours and suddenly they think they have changed the world.”

“They do what they can in the only way they know how.” Katniss watched Peeta silently for a moment, completely overwhelmed by him. His ability to always find the good in people, no matter how minuscule, never failed to amaze her. She had denied herself a full view of him all night, but she could no longer ignore how the plum shade of his suit reflected the small brown flecks deep within his blue eyes. The way one strand of his golden hair fell into his left eye constantly, the same way it did all those years ago. She moved closer to him and like magnets, he moved too.

“I…I wanted to thank you.” Her voice was low, afraid for anyone to hear.

“For what?” He was uncomfortably close to her, their noses inches apart. This was inappropriate and it sent a rush through her. She simply wanted to thank him for his advice and trust in her when she did not have it for herself. But...he had opened her heart and on the rare occasions she let the door fly open, it was hard to close it so quickly.

“For not changing. For still being…the way you always have been.”

“You give me too much credit, Katniss.” He moved away, the sudden distance upsetting her for a reason she could not place. He ran his hands through his hair, showing his sudden frustration. Old habits die hard. “What you said earlier? About how people really do change? You were right.”

“No, I was…I was wrong. It was all so clear tonight, in the way people would look at me. To them, I will always be the girl who survived the flames; The girl on fire. And you will always be the boy with the bread. To me at least.”

“No! You don’t get to do that!” He caught himself, his voice carrying throughout the lobby and down the hallways. “You left. No goodbye. You were just gone.” She couldn’t look at him, because when he was wounded, it was like looking into the eyes of a child screaming for a parent that could never come.

“I couldn’t say goodbye.”

“So you just left? You just run? I…I had feelings. So many feelings for you.”

“I know.” If anyone was still around, they would know everything. Their biggest secret. The love between them that were always too scared to say out loud. The love that never really went away. It had all felt so familiar; the joy and the rush of being near him. Of how it had always been before she left.

“I had to find out you were back in town from a newspaper clipping being used as a table cloth at a restaurant. You couldn’t even call me? How is this the first time I’ve seen you in person in five years?”

“I was afraid. Of this!”

“Of what? The truth?”

“Of it feeling like nothing had happened. Of it feeling like how it did when we were young.” _Of me still loving you_.

“Don’t worry about that. You can move on. I have.” And with that he was gone; out the door and into his limousine before she could even blink the tears out of her eyes.

It was all so familiar…


	2. Meet Me Under the Bleachers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story will alternate between Katniss/Peeta in the present day and in the past in high school. I'm having so much fun with this I can barely stand it.

** _High School_ **

Peeta was always overwhelmed with nerves in the mornings before school. But today was ten times worse. He was _finally_ going to do what he has been wanting to do since first grade. Sure, it was the last semester of his senior year in high school, but better late than never. He had been sitting in his car for at least fifteen minutes running through all the opportunities he could take to talk to her. _Her locker isn’t that far mine, maybe I can ask to walk with her to AP English? Shit. Maybe at lunch before Gale gets to her table? No, he’s always there first. Fuck!_ A loud knock on his window shot Peeta back to reality.

“Let’s go, loser!” Cato yelled. Peeta rolled his eyes and exited his car. Cato was going on and on about something stupid as they walked up the front steps. There sitting on the bench in front of the large double doors, was Katniss Everdeen. Her face was deep in a book, per usual, with her headphones in her ears. Her long black hair was braided to the side, a worn brown leather jacket around her shoulders. Peeta could barely breathe. She was so beautiful. Had been since he first met her in first grade. They’ve talked a handful of times over the years, but nothing memorable. At least not for her. Peeta could recite every word, down to the cadence and inflection in her voice. It was kind of creepy, but love can do that to you.

“Mellark! What’s taking you so long?” Cato was at the top of the steps, his girlfriend Glimmer latched onto his arm like a chain. They annoyed the shit out of him, and they were rich assholes, but they took to him in middle school and since then he’s just kind of been along for the ride.

“I’ll uh, catch up with you guys in second period. I need to go see Mrs. Sae before class.”

“Peeta, don’t be lame.” Glimmer teased.

“Some of us need to work to get into college, Glimmer.” She was so rich that her parents were paying her way into the school of her choice. She somehow took the dig as a compliment.

“I hate that for you. Come on, Toto.” They walked away. Cato was so pussy whipped it was incredible. But, who was Peeta to judge? He was whipped over a girl who didn’t even know he existed. He took a deep breath and made his approach. He stood before her, waiting for her to look up from her book and notice him. When she didn’t, he felt his face burn red with embarrassment. As soon as he attempted to sneak away, she looked up.

“Peeta?” He was frozen, his back facing her. _Fuck_. He turned around and put a smile on his face. He probably looked like a clown.

“Um, hey, Katniss.” She had a curious look in her eye.

“What’s up?” Peeta was fucked. He didn’t plan what to say to her. He honestly assumed she’d ignore him.

“I, uh. Wanted to, uh. See if you, uh— “

“Is your favorite word ‘uh’?” She teased. His nerves went down a notch.

“I was hoping to hypnotize you with it.” She giggled. Peeta was damn near ready to pass out.

“Seriously though, did you do your statement for Sae?” Katniss rolled her eyes.

“No. I’ve read the chapter six times but still can’t figure out how to write about it. Toni Morrison is so amazing but it’s impossible to speak about her work. At least for me it is. Did you?”

“Yeah, but it’s probably shit.”

“Oh, please.”

“What?”

“Peeta, you’re like the star of our class. Mrs. Sae eats your shit up. Everyone does.” He swears that her cheeks blush a little, but it’s gone before he can investigate further. The bell rings, signifying that class would start in five minutes. Katniss closes her book and puts in her bag, quickly slinging it over her shoulder. She starts to walk away but stops after a moment. She turns back to him.

“Pick up the pace, Peeta. We’ll be late!” He quickly pulls it together and catches up to her. _Mission accomplished_.

* * *

They become friends after that. Well, friends is a strong word. When Mrs. Sae assigned a new group project, Katniss picked Peeta to be her partner. Sure, she could be aiming for an A on the assignment, but none of that mattered to Peeta. In the span of a week, their relationship went from non-existent to friendly. She would return his glances when he would look at her from his locker, which was just a few over from his. When he left little jokes on their shared google doc for class, she would always respond with a laughing emoji. It wasn’t much, but it was much more than Peeta imagined he would get.

After class one day, Katniss walked up to him. He was so focused on packing his bag that he didn’t notice her smiling at him. When he finally looked up, he felt his cheeks turning pink.

“Oh god, what did I do?” He teases.

“Don’t worry, I’ll save my critiques on your speech for the google doc tonight.” She countered. He laughed. “Seriously though, I have a question.”

“Yes?” He could feel sweat beginning to form behind his ears. There was no way she was going to ask what he wanted her to ask.

“Are you going to the basketball game tonight?” _Oh fuck_.

“Ummm, I was on the fence about it. Cato’s on the team so I should go, but he’s so unbearable during basketball season.”

“You mean there’s a time where he isn’t unbearable?” Peeta can’t help but give a full out chuckle at that one.

“It’s rare.”

“Yeah, well. Gale is dragging me. I think he has a crush on Madge, and she’s a cheerleader. He wants a wing woman or something like that. So…I just wanted to see if there would be another familiar face there.” In all honesty, Peeta hated things like that. All the yelling, drinking and all-around stupidity wasn’t his scene. He was planning on watching an unhealthy number of episodes of the Great British Bakeoff. But that plan was now dead in the water.

“Yeah, I’ll be there.” The smile Katniss gave him was so sweet that he swears this is all a dream.

“Good.” She walked out of the room. It wasn’t a date. Peeta knew that. But for a moment, he would pretend it was.

* * *

Peeta put the hood of his jacket over his head, hoping it would mask his annoyance. He hated sports. The game was just about over. Their school was in the lead, up by twenty points. All the students were so drunk now they could barely balance themselves on the bleachers. Peeta was sitting with Glimmer, Thresh, and Clove. They were drunk, but Peeta didn’t like to drink. It made his mind fuzzy and he already had a hard-enough time sifting through what was real and fake. He hadn’t seen Katniss the entire game. He caught glimpses of Gale on the other side of the bleachers, his eyes focused on Madge as she leads the cheerleading squad. Peeta felt stupid for allowing his feelings to get hurt. He and Katniss barely knew each other. She didn’t owe him anything. Still, she said she would be at the game, and he came for her… Maybe that was the problem. Peeta was so blinded by his stupid feelings for Katniss that he would do any and everything to be near her. His memory of her singing the Valley Song at the class recital in first grade ran through his mind often. She was always in the musicals, and he would buy a ticket and sit in the back of the auditorium. The way her voice could wrap around a lyric was so beautiful. She was like a songbird. It was weird how he had kept tabs on her after all these years, but it seemed impossible to talk to her.

When Katniss’s father died, he noticed the shift in her. She didn’t smile anymore. She started to get thinner as if she suddenly wasn’t eating. It began to worry Peeta, and he wanted to help, but he didn’t know how. He started to save his rolls from lunch and sneak them into her locker when everyone was in the cafeteria. He never said anything about it to her, and she never thanked him. That was fine. All that mattered to him was that she and her sister were ok. Because of that, he always felt like there was an unspoken barrier between them. It was as if his feeding her at her lowest moment made all hopes of a relationship impossible. So, Peeta kept watching her from afar.

When the game finally ended, he stood with his friends under the bleachers while they finished the 1/5th of vodka they snuck into the stadium.

“Peeta, why are you being such a goody goody? Take a shot!” Clove was slurring her words so much that it didn’t sound like English. Thresh, always a quiet one, held the bottle out to him. Peeta shook his head.

“One day, you guys will stop trying to peer pressure me into drinking.” He responded. Their constant teasing was going from cute to straight-up annoying.

“You don’t drink. You aren’t getting laid. You need to do something, Mellark. Loosen the fuck up.” Glimmer took the final swig and stumbled.

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” They protested but did not follow him. He started to clench his fists, trying to calm his nerves. He had to get a new set of friends. His current group sent his blood pressure up. He had to stay level, otherwise, he would lose it.

“Peeta!” He stopped walking. In front of him was Katniss, waving him over. She was with Gale and Madge by the gate to the exit. Everyone hanging out under the bleachers were beginning to clear out, heading to whatever after-party was happening tonight. Peeta walked over to them. Gale nodded at him. Madge gave him a hug. Madge and Peeta played a lot as kids since they lived in Mid-City. They were right in the middle of 12-Ward, the neighborhood that separated the wealthy Northeast side from the working-class Seam. In terms of Gale, Peeta couldn’t get a read on him. He didn’t seem like he particularly liked anyone besides Katniss.

“I didn’t see you at the game.” Peeta tried to hide the disappointment in his voice. He was failing.

“I was down here the whole time. Can’t let people think I would ever support something as dumb as basketball.” Peeta loved her wit. He never knew she was so whip-smart, and he was so happy that he was learning more about her personality. “I guess leaving you a comment on the google doc wasn’t the best way to let you know I was down here.” She smiled and Peeta thought that dying right here and now would be fine.

“Madge and I are going to the party at O’Dair’s place. You guys want a ride?” Peeta looked to Katniss for an answer. The only thing Peeta hated more than organized sports were parties. He hung out with the popular jocks, but he was against most of the things they did for fun. He’d rather go home and bake a pie.

“Nah. I have to get started on my scholarship personal statement.” Gale gave them a wave and he and Madge walked away. Besides a few stragglers, it was just Katniss and Peeta under the bleachers now. They stood in silence, unsure of what to do.

“Did you like the game?” She asked.

“Nah. I hate sports.”

“Thank god. I was starting to think you were some super popular wrestling star.”

“In my defense, I joined the wrestling team so I would look good on college apps.”

“If you say so.” She chuckled at him. Suddenly, the room started to spin. The first indication that an anxiety episode was happening. Peeta had his first attack when he was eleven. His mother was screaming at him about a cookie not being the right shape, and he lost the ability to breathe. When it was bad, he would hallucinate, his worst fears materializing before his eyes. The doctors said there was no way to predict them. Obviously, they would be worse if he was stressed. But Peeta was always a little anxious. His mother was always on his ass about the bakery, the constant fear about what he wanted to do with his life in college, and the standard low self-esteem made it very difficult to control the attacks.

Just his luck to have one in front of Katniss Everdeen. It was a bad one. There were voices in his head telling him that he would never amount to anything. That Katniss thought he was a total loser. The air felt like fire, each gasp for air was more painful than the last. He was completely out of his body. He kneeled and pulled his head into his hands. It was taking everything in him to not scream. In an instant, the voices vanished, replaced by a voice so delicate. Her voice floated into his ears:

_You look like a movie_

_You sound like a song_

_My god, this reminds me_

_Of when we were young_

Peeta opened his eyes and Katniss was right in front of him staring back. She was on her knees, her arms wrapped around him. His breathing started to regulate. He was so tired now.

“Peeta. Come back.” He followed her voice and nodded slowly. He couldn’t stop staring into her eyes. “How do you feel?”

“Katniss— “

“Before you apologize, don’t.” She sat on the concrete and pulled her knees to her chest. Peeta followed her example. “Do you have a name for it?”

“Doctors just call them anxiety episodes. My mother likes to call them proof of my weakness.” Katniss’s eyes were soft. Concerned. He never imagined she could be concerned about him. He was basically a stranger.

“I would sing to my mom when it got bad for her. Before…well, before she went away.” Ah, right. After the fire and losing Prim, the little sanity their mother had blown in the wind with the ashes. She was in a facility somewhere in the next town over. Katniss had been taking care of herself and Prim for years, but her cousin Johanna moved from the east coast to be her guardian when everything went to shit.

“I’ve never come down from one that fast before. Without the meds, anyway.” Katniss put a hand on his knee and squeezed. “You don’t have to feel sorry for me.”

“I don’t.” She turned her eyes to the wall behind him, deep in thought. “Is it terrible that I can’t stop thinking that we’re even now?” _The bread_.

“Katniss, I gave you the bread because I wanted to. I wanted you and Prim to be ok.”

“You helped me and you didn’t even know me.” He shrugged. There was no way for him to respond without spilling the truth. He knew Katniss would never love him back. Better to keep his heart to himself and relish in the stolen moments to store in his memory bank.

* * *

The next day, Katniss acted as if nothing happened. She wouldn't meet his eyes when he took his seat next to her in class. She kept her head down, pretending to scroll on her phone. Just as Peeta fed her all those years ago when they were strangers, she took care of him without knowing jack shit about him. All weekend he just thought about what she said. The thing about them being “even” now. She had been ignoring him all these years because she felt there was no way she could repay him. It broke Peeta’s heart that she felt that way. He wanted to talk to her about it, but she sprinted out the door when the bell rang. He was stumped. He refused to let that night be the last time they had a real interaction. They were graduating soon. He heard her talking about going to Panem University in Capitol City. The chances of him seeing her after graduation were slim. If he didn’t tell her how he felt now, he never would. As Peeta walked the halls to his next class, he stopped to look at the banner on the wall. It was a banner promoting senior prom which was in two weeks. He smiled to himself. This was his chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me on tumblr at char-thelove. Come say hi!


	3. See You Friday

He couldn’t scrub her off of him.

No matter how many times he showered, or the countless extra minutes he spent just standing as the almost icy water floated over his body, she was still there. The slight scent of pine and lavender was etched in his memory, and seeing her had only cemented it into his nostrils. Maybe Katniss was right; no matter how much time passes, we truly never change.

Peeta stepped out the shower and prepared for his day. The sun was still low on the horizon, the rise still a solid hour away. Even though he was the mayor now, the timeline of a baker was like the blood pumping through his veins. He walked around in his overindulgent robe, biting into an apple as he took his usual tour of the massive mansion. He had been mayor for three years now and the enormity of the Mayor’s Mansion never failed to shock him. It was all so much, especially for a meager son of a baker who found the taste of burnt and stale bread as luxurious. On these morning walks, he often wondered how he got to this point, specifically of all the things he would have done differently. She was on the top of that list.

He finally made his way to the kitchen, the sun slowly finding its way into the ceiling to floor windows of the room. He scrambled himself some eggs and warmed up some bread he grabbed from the bakery the day before. He ate in silence, in awe of the sparkling orange of the sunrise. It was unusual for a person of Peeta’s position to not have any maids or cooks, but he despised the idea. He had two capable hands and legs that could never be too good for taking care of himself. Haymitch forced him to release a statement saying it was in the name of not wasting the taxpayer’s money, just to be safe from raising suspicion. Whatever that meant.

As the clock struck seven, his phone rang. Haymitch knew to not bother him until after the sunrise.

“Yes, Haymitch?”

“I’m sending the car to get you. Early meeting at 7:45 with the council.”

“Why am I going to this, again?”

“You’re the one that wants a unanimous vote on the economic reform bill. Gotta beg a little.”

“I shouldn’t have to beg for them to do the right thing!” Peeta pounded his fist on the table and took a deep breath to cool himself. It was so frustrating being in this position. The entire city was counting on him to bring freshness and change to everyone, but the majority of the council members resented Peeta for his youth and desire for progression. His love for the struggling people of the Seam confused them. Why was a merchant boy working so hard to make the lives of the struggling class easier? He could never quite understand why this was such a dysfunctional concept to his constituents.

“It’s too early for you to be upset, Boy. You’ll give yourself an ulcer.” Peeta smiled to himself. He kept Haymitch around because he was the only person who didn’t tiptoe around him. He was direct and constantly reminded Peeta that, even though he was the mayor, he wasn’t special. It kept Peeta humble.

“I’ll see you soon.” Peeta got dressed and by the time he came downstairs, Haymitch was waiting for him at the front door, iPad open and ready to debrief him. No time was wasted once he arrived at the council. Member Coriolanus Snow, who was the reigning head chair of the council, was almost shitting himself with his need to begin the meeting. Peeta couldn't stand him. He wanted to be mayor but wasn't likable enough to ever make it past a primary.nHe stood from his seat, wiping his snow-white beard thoughtfully before sharing his thoughts.

“Mayor Mellark.” Peeta sighed to himself, the authoritarian nature of the title always unnerved him. “I think I speak for the council in saying that there is no way we can pass this bill.” _Shut up you ugly Santa Claus fuck._

“And what exactly is wrong with it?”

“Should I start from page one or three-hundred and twelve? It just does not make sense! And expensive!” Snow turned around, hoping for familiar sentiments from his constituents. Not a peep from anyone.

“Let me make sure I am hearing you correctly. It is ok for us to spend millions on festivals for the rich and wealthy of 12-Ward while our hard-working citizens of the Seam can barely afford a dollar to wash the clothes on their backs at the Laundromat?”

“Mayor Mellark, allow me to speak?” Plutarch Heavensbee, a tenure councilman who could play any side he needed to get what he needed. He was a surprising advocate for Peeta’s ambitions for the city. 

“Speak, Councilman.”

“Councilman Snow does not speak for me, a tenured member of this council, on the state of the bill. And if he does not speak for me, that means he does not speak for this entire council. I say we delay the need for a unanimous vote and move for a majority rule. Just until we can all come to an agreement on the bill. But 12-Ward needs a drastic change now. This bill cannot wait.” Peeta looked around the room as other council members nodded their heads in agreement, further upsetting Snow.

“Councilmembers.” Peeta stood from his place at the front of the room, all eyes surveying and dissecting him. “I need something on my desk within the next week. I trust in your judgment and your ability to tell what is right and what is wrong. Give me something that can change some lives, people!” Peeta walked out the room, the sound of Haymitch chuckling in approval behind him bringing a slight pep to his step.

* * *

Peeta always looked forward to Saturday’s. The warmth of the ovens and smell of rising dough greeted him as he walked into the bakery. Leo Mellark was kneading his hands into a fresh mound of dough as his son patted him on the back and grabbed an apron.

“You know your mother won’t be pleased.”

“Has she ever been pleased with me?” The Mellark men shared a laugh then fell into a comfortable working silence. It was on Saturday mornings that Peeta felt most like himself. He could come in and work with his father and be a baker. For a little while, he could be something beyond the mayor. Something so simple and endearing. There was a time when he thought taking on the family business was beneath him, but he realized the grass wasn’t always greener. The deeper he got into politics, the farther he got from who he truly was. 

“So, how’s work.” His father placed a few loaves of bread into the oven and waited patiently.

“Dad, you know I don’t like to talk about work here.”

“You never want to talk about work! You don’t have to be so closed off all the time.”

“I can’t just talk about the business of 12-Ward with you!”

“I’m your father not some reporter. Peeta, I worry about you.” He could always hear the worry in his father’s voice. See it in his eyes. Peeta started cutting out cookies into different shapes to avoid his father’s gaze.

“You seem so lonely. Lost. These past few years I feel like I have lost my son.”

“Your son is right here.”

“I know how much her leaving affected you.”

“Dad, don’t— “

“You gonna make the same mistake that I did?” Peeta finally met the eyes of his father. The sincerity of those matching blue eyes always broke him in a way nothing else could.

“You love her. You always have loved her. Since that first day of school when you ran home besides yourself about the girl with the two pigtails and angelic voice. I cannot stand by and watch you wither away because you never told her how you felt.”

“You have no idea…You don’t know!” Peeta shoved the delicately cut cookie dough to the floor, little arms flying off and around the room. He took a moment, closed his eyes, counted to twenty. He couldn’t slip into an episode. He convinced his father that it was something he had outgrown. Peeta could never handle the thought of people worrying about him. “I should go.” 

“Peeta.” The feeling of his father’s gentle touch froze him in place. “Stay. At least until we open.” He could never say no to his father, no matter how invasive he could be. Peeta walked to the back and grabbed the broom and dustpan and swept up his mess. He immediately felt the remorse and guilt swirl inside him, the powerful rage resulting in wasting food. Food that could have saved a life. Peeta was constantly battling inside himself, the war of appearances and his consciousness. All he wanted to do was take every baked good inside this bakery and pass it out to the struggling families of the Seam, but that wasn’t the job of merchant boy. Of a Mayor. His job was to smile and wave and get a library named after him.

The Mellark men got back to work, no words exchanged between them. Peeta said a silent prayer that his mother came downstairs right as the sign on the door flipped from closed to open, saving him a lecture about going against his title.

“He shouldn’t be here.” The woman seethed through clenched teeth.

“Save it for another Saturday, Martha.” His mother huffed then went to the front to get to work. Peeta stayed in the back until lunchtime, working until he was comfortable with the stock for the rest of the day. He went to the front to place more muffins in the display case when his nose perked up. That distinct scent of pine and lavender. He kept his mind on the shaking tray of muffins as he slid them into their temporary home in the case.

“Make yourself useful and take these orders.” His mother grunted as she went to hide in the back. The sight of grey eyes always unnerved her, made her more unfriendly than usual. She was always doing everyone a favor when she excused herself from helping those from the other side of town. Peeta finally looked up and met those sorrowful eyes. Those eyes that he loved.

“Hi.”

“Hey.” It was as if all the anger he felt towards Katniss dissipated when he could feel the heat radiating from her body. All he wanted was for her to rest her head on his chest like she had that night that seemed like eons ago, their bodies swaying to the soft music behind them.

“Kind of out of your way, isn’t it?”

“Mellark Bakery always had the best cupcakes in town. Wanted to get something nice for my staff. It’s been a hectic month.” He nodded and walked to the cupcake side of the case. He watched as she thoughtfully picked out each cupcake, clearly having every member of her staff in mind for each treat. After her dozen was picked, he carefully wrapped her box and took her money. He made sure to not brush her fingertips.

“Hold on.” Peeta walked to the back just in time to catch his father taking a fresh batch of cheese buns out of the oven. Peeta quickly placed a dozen in a bag and walked back to the front, placing it on top of Katniss’ box. Her nose picked up on the scent, and her eyes brightened.

“Peeta, I can’t— “

“Take them. They’re fresh. And your favorite.” Peeta could see all the words she wanted to say swirling inside her eyes. Instead, she placed her hand on top of his, which was resting on the bag of cheese buns. The warmth from the buns and their touch almost scalding, yet neither one of them moved.

“Peeta…I…” She dropped her hand and averted his gaze. She smiled to herself. “The Mayor of 12-Ward working in his family bakery. Now wouldn’t that be a story for the front page.”

“Yeah, well…Let’s just say it’s the day of the week I most look forward to.” Peeta walked around and placed the bundles into Katniss’ arms. “You let me know how everyone likes those cupcakes. Tell them the mayor frosted them himself.” Katniss chuckled.

“I will.” He could feel his body moving closer to hers, that magnetism they always had never quite faded with time. “I’m sure they will love them.”

“I sure hope so.” His voice fell to a whisper, the rest of the world around them disappeared. He suddenly didn’t care that in five years, this was the first time Katniss had made an effort to see him. He couldn't feel the hurt in his heart that her leaving permanently planted in him. All he could think about was how the only thing separating their bodies was the box of cupcakes between them.

“I’m sorry. I hope you know that.” Katniss stepped away and was out the door before he could say anything else. He felt that pang in his chest, the one that was so familiar and painful. He couldn’t move from his spot, his eyes still staring at the door as if she were going to come running back and into his arms.

“Peeta Mellark, if you are going to be here, you are going to work! Get back in this kitchen!” The reprimand from his mother snatched him back into reality and he was hurrying to the kitchen as if he were five all over again. The boy with the bread, running back to work after gazing out the window, hoping the girl with the braids would wander by.

* * *

Peeta wasn’t sure what came over him, but something snapped in him this morning. As he stood in his plush robe, staring out the window awaiting the sunrise as he did every morning, he felt compelled to do… _something_. Before he could talk himself out of it, he was dressed in joggers and a hoodie and was turning his key in the ignition of his car. He drove through the darkness of the morning, his windows cracked slightly as he drove to the other side of town. He tried to keep the bile in the back of his throat down as he drove, the large mansions only somewhat smaller than the one he lived in slowly dwindling in size and elegance as he went farther west. Soon, he was surrounded by small trailers and brick homes, functional but not extravagant. The grass on the front lawns not nearly as plush or green, the landscaping more natural than the manicured gardens seen on his side of town.

He found himself turning into the parking lot of Hob Park, a small local park with play structures and a few fields for soccer and football. There was a small diner attached that a lot of locals hailed as the best burgers in town. He got out his car and climbed to the hood to sit and watch as the sun began to make its debut into the sky. He hasn’t been here in years, and Peeta had no clue what compelled him to come here, but the collection of trees that shaded the running path made an amazing view for the sunrise. He closed his eyes and could almost feel her hand on top of his, the skirt of her poofy gown scratching his ankles.

The sound of heavy breathing broke him from his memory and he was shocked to see Katniss running towards his car from the forest. She had headphones over her ears, a look of pure concentration and ease on her face as she left her safe haven. She would have missed him if the impeding sunrise hadn’t caught her attention. When she noticed him she jogged over.

“What are you doing here?” She panted as she stopped at the hood.

“I don’t have an answer for you.”

“It’s 6:15 in the morning. And you live on the other side of town. You don’t have an answer?”

“Afraid not.” Peeta tried his hardest to not check her out, but he was failing. The sports bra and tight leggings she was sporting, and the slick sweat sticking to her skin, was too distracting.

“Want to join me?” She thought for a moment then climbed up next to him. They watched the sun dance in the sky.

“Peeta. What are you doing here?” Her gaze was on him, and he could never ignore her when she had that tone in her voice.

“I was suffocating in that house. I just needed….to drive. And I ended up here.”

“Did you know I ran every morning?”

“I didn’t. I just came here because I remember this place. Not necessarily for you. They both knew he was full of shit. They watched the sky quietly as the sun came full circle, the pastel orange and pink bringing a smile to his face. He could feel her eyes shift to him, the sight of his smile turning hers as well.

“Your favorite color.” She pulled her knees to her chest and sighed. “More along the lines of the sunset, but the sunrise will do.” She smiled at him, a smile that was so genuine and sweet that his chest got tight with the memories of this place.

“You remembered.” He whispered.

“How could I forget.” He watched her, trying to take her in, get a read on her.

“I’m trying to get this bill passed. To help the people of the Seam.” She looked shocked by his reveal, but soon she was pondering his statement.

“What kind of bill.”  
“Economic reform. New jobs. Tax breaks for those struggling the most. A chance.”

“Sounds too good to be true, Peeta.”

“Yeah, it isn’t going over well. But I am trying. I want you to know that I see all of this. It makes me sick. I just don’t know how to fix it.” He searched her eyes for something, but he just saw her look of contemplation. She jumped off the roof and waited for him to follow suit.

“I want to show you something.”

* * *

They drove for five minutes until they reached the Home in the Meadow house. It was a welcoming house, three stories high with the sturdy brick walls. There was a porch with the chairs and bikes left from playtime from the previous day still resting on the lawn. Katniss lead him inside and they went to her office which was right near the front door. The walls were covered in the smiling faces of children and their parents. Proud smiles from swim meets and dance recitals. Full tummies and swollen faces. A picture of her sister, Prim, was the most noticeable. Adorned by a golden frame on the center wall, her bright blue eyes and blonde pigtails contrasting that of Katniss’ grey and long nearly black tresses. She was holding on to her sister like a life source in the picture. He couldn’t imagine a young Katniss could even fathom how true that sentiment was even today.

“A lot of the kids on these walls are with families. Stable homes. Stable income and meals.” She pointed to the left side of the room. The side where Prim’s face resides with many other children. “But these are all the kids who left the house before we could get them a good match. Ran away for fear of another rejection. Or drawn back to one of their deadbeat parents. These are the ones I couldn’t save. And not a day goes by that I don’t wake in the middle of the night, my mind heavy about them.” Peeta wanted to reach out and touch her, but he knew better. Touching Katniss was a privilege that had to be given. So he stood in his spot, clenching and unclenching his clammy hands into a fist.

“Why are you showing me all this?”

“To give you some perspective.” She closed the space between them and he could see the slightest tear in the corner of her eyes. “You said that this makes you sick. Seeing so many people struggling. It shouldn’t make you sick it should…it should just make you _feel_. That’s the problem. It makes so many people sick to see struggle that they run screaming.” 

“I don’t know how to make them see the hope that you see. That I see.” He whispered. _I just want to make you proud._

“Maybe you should stop asking them to see it. People are struggling and whether the council decides to acknowledge it or not, the struggle continues.” Katniss dropped her hands and walked to the window. Peeta released a sad sigh at the distance.

“Why don’t you come and speak? Maybe get some testimonials from some of the people you have helped or that are staying here. Maybe bringing it to their front door could change something in them?” He could feel her thinking. “You have no idea; the effect you have.” It was as if hearing the words stunned him into motion, and before he knew it, his feet were moving towards her. She was inches away, his hands stretched out to turn her to him and capture her—

“Katniss, I need you for some—oh.” And just as his hands were about to feel her skin, Peeta was stopped in his tracks. He and Katniss turned to see Gale Hawthorne in the doorway, a confused look on his face. He was bigger than Peeta recalled; his muscles almost triple the size of when they were in high school. His grey eyes were just as piercing, possibly more suspicious than ever.

“Mayor Mellark, never thought I would see you in this office. This side of town at all, actually.” Peeta nodded suddenly feeling out of place.

“Gale Hawthorne. I haven’t seen you in ages. I didn’t know you worked with Ms. Everdeen.”

“Yeah, well…I don’t like the limelight. I stay in the house, make sure it doesn’t burn down and such.” The coldness his presence added was not to be missed, and Peeta instantly knew he did not belong. He took a big step away from Katniss and he could see her eyebrow furrow in disappointment.

“Well, Ms. Everdeen, please think about my proposal. I think it could be the thing that makes a difference.” She nodded.

“I will definitely think about it.” Peeta nodded at Gale once more then quickly made his exit. Peeta wasn’t aware of how long he had been in the office, but when he walked outside, there was a little girl running around and throwing a baseball. She threw the ball in the air and it landed right at his feet.

“Sorry!” The small girl, no older than six, jogged over to him. She had two long dark brown pigtails and two missing front teeth. Her grey eyes were bright.

“I almost hit you!”

“No worries, I’m ok. You sure are an early bird.”

“Early bird always gets the worm! That’s what mama always told me.”

“Your mama was very right.”

“Do you wanna play with me?” Peeta looked at his watch: _8:45_. Haymitch was probably having a coronary.

“Of course. But you’ll have to go easy on me, I’m not very good at catch.”

“I will! What’s your name?”

“Mayo—Umm…Peeta.”

“You have a funny name! Mines Posy.”

“Well, I am so happy you’re gonna go easy on me, Posy.”

The two tossed the ball around for lord knows how long. Posy had a powerful arm, but Peeta could keep up with her wild energy. She laughed each time she threw the ball or caught it. She would encourage Peeta whenever he was worried he was going to embarrass himself. Peeta felt his heart swelling in a way he hadn’t felt in years.

“Posy!” Katniss was standing in the entrance to the house, freshly showered with her hair laying damp on her shoulders. Her hands were resting on her hips. Peeta has had so many dreams where Katniss looked just like that, their own kids running around making a mess. He could feel his heart in his ears, pulsing so loud that it was all he could hear. 

“Yes?”

“Why do I have a feeling that you haven’t had your breakfast?”

“Awww, Katniss!”

“Inside. Now!” Posy pouted and ran over to Peeta. She ran smack into his stomach and wrapped her arms around him.

“I had so much fun, Peeta!” Peeta kneeled and hugged her tightly.

“Me too, Posy.”

“Promise me you’ll come back?” Her voice got oddly small and quiet. He could feel her small body shaking and when he pulled back he saw the tears in her eyes. He looked up at Katniss who was moving towards them. He rose his hand to stop her.

“Hey, Posy.” She looked up at him, the tears falling now. “I don’t like to make promises I can’t keep. I can’t promise that I will come by every day, but I can promise that I can come by once a week, for now. Does that work for you?” She pondered for a moment, then smiled so big that the rest of her tears fell out of her eyes quickly.

“Yes!” She hugged him again. “This means once a week starts next week? And that you come every day for the rest of this week?” Peeta laughed as he picked her up and walked her to the doorway.

“We’ll see. Maybe I can come by Friday.”

“Ok!” Peeta put her down and she looked at Katniss for approval. Katniss motioned her head towards the house.

“Bye Peeta! I will see you Friday!” And with that, Posy was gone. Katniss still had her hands on her hips.

“What are you doing, Peeta?”

“What?” Katniss has questioned his motives more times than Peeta could count on one hand today. Was his behavior truly that suspect?

“Why would you tell her that. You shouldn’t even be here now! Once a week?”

“I’ll make it work.”

“Peeta, these kids…this means a lot. This isn’t just something you can do for a couple weeks to make yourself feel better. Or to make yourself look good in the papers. If you abandon her…” 

“Hey, I’m not going anywhere.” He regretted saying that the moment the words left his lips. Katniss’s eyes got wide, a slight look of hopefulness in them. He knew he couldn’t let down little Posy, for she had stolen his heart. But he knew that he couldn’t let Katniss down either. And the thought of getting close to her again, no matter how much it scared him, was suddenly becoming the most important mission in his life. _I can't love you again. But I never stopped loving you._ _I am so fucked._

“You better not.” She whispered. Katniss turned on her heels and raced inside the house. Peeta stood for a moment, taking it all in, then headed to his car. His phone was ringing and he had thirty unread messages from Haymitch. He held the phone in his hand for a while, unwilling to answer it and become the mayor again.

Peeta had no idea what he wanted. But he always knew what he had to do, regardless if it aligned with his dreams. So, for now, he took a deep breath and answered the call.

“Hello?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr! char-thelove. Come say waddup! (:


	4. Prom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The night that everything becomes real for Katniss and Peeta. A moment most pleasing to me in my career

_**High School** _

It was unseasonably warm tonight. Katniss slipped her flannel jacket off her shoulders and tied it around her waist as she walked home from the book store. Most of the time she was getting paid to do her homework, which was perfect since she was constantly drowning in her schoolwork. Of course, today of _all_ days, when she had a huge AP Calculus test to study for, people decided to give a fuck about books.

 _As soon as I get home, I’m sitting in the shower for an hour and taking a nap_.

As she rounded the bend to the house she shared with Johanna, she noticed a figure on her porch. As she got closer, she could see a fluff of blonde hair. She knew that head of hair; she’d been silently admiring it for years. She stopped in her tracks when she reached the street light, his face becoming clear in the dim glow.

The baker’s son was on her porch. With _flowers_. 

“Peeta?” She approached slowly. He jumped up when he heard his name. He stood tall, placing the flowers behind his back. He had this crooked smile on his lips that she always noticed at lunch. He always sat a few tables over with the popular Northeasterners. He was the comedian of the group, his jokes making his table the source of laughter that rang throughout the cafeteria. Sometimes she would tune Gale out just to hear Peeta’s excited voice twirl around the stories he would tell.

“Um…hey.” He was nervous, his forehead slick with anxious sweat. Even now, he was annoyingly handsome.

“What’s up?” _What the fuck are you doing at my house?_

“I was uh…in the neighborhood.” Katniss laughed.

“Really, Peeta?” Peeta lived in Mid-City, the neighborhood that separated the Seam from the very wealthy Northeast neighborhood. His family wasn’t rich, but they certainly didn’t know struggle. Not like they did here in the Seam.

“Yeah, that wasn’t very believable, was it?”

“Not in the slightest.” She took another step towards him. She put her hand on her hip, waiting for him to say something. He seemed lost in his own thoughts.

“I have a shit ton of calc to get done, so unless you’re here to do it for me…” He was swaying on his feet, unable to keep still. He was so nervous that it was making _her_ nervous.

“Fuck. I don’t…shit!” He cursed himself and Katniss was taken aback. Peeta was a wizard with words. He always had the best responses in AP Lit. Katniss was always captivated by his voice. When he would read passages to the class, it made it nearly impossible to read the book any further. The words on the page seemed useless unless they were coming from his lips. To see him stumbling over his words now was…uncomfortable.

He awkwardly started to kneel, then realized how _insane_ that was and stood tall again. After a moment, he sighed and let the words fly. It was so fast that it took her a moment to decipher it.

“Willyougotopromwithme?”

“Huh?”

“Katniss, will you…will you go to prom w-with me?” Katniss took a step back. _What the fuck?_

They weren’t quite friends, but they weren’t strangers. They have been in group projects before. He would always leave her fun little notes in their google docs that would make her laugh. He smiled at her when their eyes would meet in the hallway. Sophomore year, when things with her mother were at their peak, he would leave her bread in her locker on the days she couldn’t afford lunch. There was this unspoken debt she felt she could never repay. How could someone who didn’t know her at all, go through all that effort to keep her alive? Katniss thought about that often, more than she would like to admit.

Then there was the incident from a few weeks ago under the bleachers after the basketball game where she…they…well, she wasn’t sure what the fuck that was. But he was vulnerable and she was there for him. The strange connection they had over the years intensified after that night. She felt butterflies floating in her belly every time she saw him. But they didn’t know each other well enough to go to prom together. Plus, Katniss hated dances.

“Prom? With me? You and I? Together?” He nodded. As if remembering that he was choking the flowers in his hand, he moved his arms from behind him and extended his arm to give them to her. She was scared to take them. If she accepted the flowers, would he interpret that as a yes?

“Before you say anything, let me just word vomit for a moment.” The shock from his request turned her tongue to sandpaper. All she could do was nod her head to give her approval.

“I thought about a million ways to ask you. You know how it is at school. The obnoxious gestures and the flash mobs and that stupid proposal at the pep rally that Cato did for Glimmer.”

She chuckled at the slight dig at Cato. Did Peeta not know that he was in that crowd? On the outskirts, sure, but in the crowd nonetheless.

“But, I knew you would hate something like that. You want intimacy. Real. Heartfelt.” Katniss felt matching anxious sweat roll down her back. _How could he ever know that about me?_

“There’s this garden that my dad and I started together. Our house isn’t all that big, and the backyard was just an ugly patch of grass, but we spruced it up. It’s where I go when I need to escape. It makes me feel…calm. Anyway, my dad said that he’s been trying to get these to grow for years, and this is the first time they blossomed. It might be totally out of place for me to pick them, but I thought they were beautiful.” She looked at the flowers in his shaking hands and nearly fainted.

It was primrose.

The only time she had ever seen them was when her father took her to the meadow behind the factory. They would scale the trees and pick berries. Swim in the lake that no one seemed to know about. He would pick the flower and weave it into her hair. After he died, she couldn’t bear to go back.

Her first instinct was to stomp on the flowers and tell him to fuck off, but she knew this wasn’t some prank. He knew how much her sister meant to her. He came to the memorial after the fire. When she was in the hospital healing from her burns, the entire freshman class sent her one of those obnoxious big ass cards. There were hundreds of signatures on it, but Peeta was one of the few people who wrote an actual message.

 _“Condolences probably mean nothing right now, but I am so sorry, Katniss. Please get better. I’m here for you. Always. –P.”_ At the time, she had no idea why he would write “I’m here for you, always”, and it confused her so much that she had to force herself to stop dwelling on it. That message was one of the kindest and most genuine things anyone said to her during that period of her life. It stuck with her long after the media attention and “best wishes” died away.

“Peeta. This is...wow.”

“I know that dances are dumb. And I know that you hate them. Even though I never saw you at one, I would always search for you, hoping to ask you to dance.” _Ok, what the fuck is going on here? Peeta Mellark would be purposely looking for me? He wanted to dance with me?_

“You can totally say no and call me a weirdo and all that. I guess I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I didn’t at least try.” He turned his eyes down to his shoes to avoid looking at her. Katniss was beyond shocked; there was a lot happening all at once. She knew she should say no. It wouldn’t make sense for them to go together. But there was this unfamiliar feeling coursing through her. Peeta was such a mystery to her, one that she always wanted to solve. Maybe this was her chance.

“Ok. Yes.” His eyebrows shot up, disbelief in his eyes.

“Yes? Really?” She nodded. “Wow. Yes! Ok. I can buy our tickets?” She nodded again. All the words seemed to have died in the back of her throat. She took the flowers as a confirmation. She held them to her nose, the scent nearly knocking tears from her eyes. Letting the adrenaline fuel her, she pulled him into her arms and squeezed him tight. His body was rigid, but he settled and wrapped his arms around her waist. She couldn’t ignore the way that his touch sent a chill down her spine.

* * *

She was nervous and she felt stupid for it. It was just some stupid dance. I mean, it was the dance of all dances, but still. Katniss hated dances. They were so self-indulgent and elitist. It was all, “Omigod I love your dress, is it Givenchy?” or “We’re getting a party bus, can you put in $100?”. And then the promposals. The gaudy showcases of “love”. Katniss never went to dances because she could never afford to. It was school, work, homework. It was senior year, and If she was going to secure a scholarship for school, she had to stay focused. She promised Prim, and she had every intention of keeping that promise.

And yet, here she was, standing in her living room, pacing back and forth. She felt stupid in this dress. Johanna forced her to go shopping and convinced her that she looked good in it. The dress was a deep blue, the skirt just a little too poofy for her liking. There was a bedazzled trail of gems on the bustier. Jo told her she looked like a mermaid, but Katniss knew she really looked like a sea witch.

“You clean up good, brainless.” Johanna teased as she snapped another picture of her. Johanna was the only family Katniss had left. When she told Johanna about her mother fading away, she moved here from the east coast, uprooting the perfectly curated life she had made for herself there. They had always been close, but now, bonded by their grief, they were nearly inseparable.

“Shut up.” Katniss tidied up the intricate braided style in her hair. Her mother taught her this style. She shook off the sadness she felt over her mother’s absence. She always tried to dress Katniss up, but she would always throw the dresses to the ground and stomp away. If she could do anything over, she would cherish those moments more.

“I just can’t believe the Mellark boy asked you. Something about the Bard women seems to rile up the Mellark’s.” Katniss raised her eyebrow at her cousin. “Your mom never told you this?” 

“She never told me anything.”

“She dated Peeta’s dad for like, ever.”

“Seriously?”

“Yep. Then she met your dad and left him in the dust. He’s mourning it to this day.”

There was a knock on the door. Katniss ran to hide in the kitchen, nearly falling out of her heels. She could hear the door open and pleasantries exchanged. The sound of his voice in her house felt wrong yet right at the same time.

“Katniss!” Jo yelled, irritation in her voice. She took a deep breath and composed herself. She walked to the living room and stood in the doorway. His eyes grew as big as the moon and his mouth fell open silently. The look of awe on his face was affecting her in a way she didn’t know was possible. She knew her entire body was bright red. His white suit was hugging him perfectly, his blonde curls were intricately coiffed on his head, parted and gelled so that it hung over his left eye slightly. He was…beautiful. She took another step into the room and looked down at her matching blue shoes. She couldn’t handle the heat from his eyes any longer.

“Katniss I…You look…Wow.” She smirked and finally met his eyes. She was swimming in the depths of them, so blue and eager.

“Yeah, you too.” The sound of a _click_ reminded them that Johanna was still here. It felt like they were in their own world. In a flurry of moments, Peeta put her corsage on her wrist, the beautiful primrose matching the one pinned to his lapel. While they were taking pictures, Katniss became overwhelmed by the proximity of him. His scent was intoxicating; it was sweet, almost like cinnamon mixed with the primrose. She wished she could bottle it up and spray it on her pillows.

“I think I got enough. Now get out of my house!” Johanna winked at Katniss, then pinched her butt as she pushed them out the door.

* * *

Katniss wasn’t sure why she was expecting some extravagant sports car, but parked in front was a Honda Fit. Maybe it was because all his friends lived in the Northeast neighborhood.

“Sorry, my brother called dibs on the bakery catering van.” Katniss laughed, one of her genuine ugly laughs that made her sound like a hyena being smothered. She could see the pride on his face from landing the joke. Peeta let her plug her phone into the aux, and she nervously shuffled through her library. She didn’t want to play something embarrassing like one of her musical theater songs…

“Oh, wait! Go back!” _Oh god. Now he knows I’m a loser._ “I love _Next to Normal_.” Katniss looked at him like he was insane.

“How do you know _Next to Normal_?”

“I love musical theater. The sets, the stories, the _music_. It’s like watching a painting come to life.” Katniss felt like she was in the fucking twilight zone. _What the fuck is happening_? “Annnnnnnd I remember when you were Natalie when we did the musical junior year. You were the best part.” Learning that Peeta has been watching her over the years was creating conflicting feelings inside her. She did not want to admit that she had been paying attention to him, too.

He started to sing, not hitting any of the notes but with so much conviction and power that she didn’t notice how his singing sounded like a wounded sheep. Soon, she was singing too. As the song ended, she realized that they were parked on the side of the road, Peeta watching her silently.

“Oh god, I just embarrassed myself, didn’t I?” He shook his head.

“No. You just…When you sing, all anyone can do is be quiet and watch.” He just kept his eyes on her and she felt her body growing hot. “Sorry. I’m being weird.” Before Katniss could respond, the car was moving again.

Once they parked at the venue, he offered his arm for her to take. All eyes were on them as they walked in. She wasn’t sure if it was because she was with Peeta, or because she was wearing a dress.

“Mellark!” Cato ran over as they looked for their table. “Is that who I think it is?” Katniss rolled her eyes. Cato represented everything about the Northeasterners that she hated. He was cocky, overbearing, and wouldn’t know struggle if it threw a rock at his head.

“Hi, Cato.”

“Katniss Everdeen. I thought you were allergic to clothes that looked good.” She wanted to curl into a ball, but she refused to let a fuckface like _Cato_ get the best of her. She stood up tall and put a wide smile on her face. She was smiling so hard, she knew she looked like a maniac.

“And I didn’t know you wore glitter.” He had a glittering stripe trailing under his eye. Clearly this was the work of his equally irritating girlfriend. Glimmer had a matching one on her arm.

“It looks real nice. Really brings out your eyes.” Cato was silently fuming as Peeta chuckled next to her. Cato stormed away, swiping the glitter off his face.

“Nice one,” Peeta said to her. They sat down and when he placed his arm over the back of her chair, she couldn’t escape the feeling of wanting him to hold her hand. Someone cleared their throat loudly behind them. She turned to see Gale towering over her. Those matching Seam eyes were speaking to her.

“I’ll be right back.” She got up and they walked towards the back of the room where the photo booth was.

“Seriously?” Gale wasn’t mad, but she could hear the disappointment in his voice. She suddenly realized that it slipped her to tell him she was going to the dance.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t think it would be a big deal.”

“Peeta Mellark? Of all people?” She shrugged. How could she explain the silent attraction between them? Was there a way to explain that ever since he fed her without even leaving a note, she had this bubbling desire for him? No one would ever understand. “Madge had this whole pre-prom thing. You would have hated it. It wasn’t terrible, but it would have been cool if you came. I didn’t ask because I knew you would never say yes.”

“Oh.” She wanted to say more, but what was there to say? She was no good with words; never has been.

“It’s fine. Just…save me dance, OK?” She nodded and hugged him. She hated hurting people, but she did it more than she liked. The only way for her to survive was to keep people at a distance. After losing her family, she turned to Gale for support. He was her best friend and the only person who was truly by her side over the years. But after all that she had lost, she knew that she could never truly love anyone again. 

She watched him walk to his table and lean down to whisper in Madge’s ear. The hurt that was blooming inside her spread like wildfire. She considered Madge a friend. They always sat next to each other in class and she joined her and Gale for lunch occasionally. Gale’s crush on her was no secret, either. But it wasn’t her being Gale’s date that hurt her; it was the blatant hypocrisy of Gale judging her for going with Peeta.

Katniss walked back towards her table but stopped when she saw Delly Carwright sitting in her seat, talking to Peeta. Anger was taking over the hurt in her heart. Why was she feeling like this? She barely knew Peeta. He and Delly grew up together and had plenty of memories to warrant a conversation. She had no ownership over him. So why did she feel so betrayed? Delly looked over her shoulder and smiled.

“Hi, Katniss! Wow, you look stunning. Doesn’t she look stunning, Peeta?” A small smile was on his face and her anger subsided. He had this look of...pride on his face.

“Yeah, she is a total knockout.”

“Well, I’ll leave y’all to it.” Delly excused herself and Katniss sat down.

“Hey,” Peeta whispered to her. He took her hands in his and she sighed. _Finally_.

“Hi.”

“You left me to the wolves! I think half the people here have interrogated me.”

“Yeah, Gale wasn’t too pleased, either.”

“Guess we are the talk of the town.”

“I hate it.” Katniss liked to fade into the background. After the fire, so much attention was on her. After that experience, she would be happy if no one ever noticed her again. Peeta squeezed her hand and she looked at him. The curves of his lips wrapped into that smile. The sharp ridges of his jawline. The questions in his eyes. She was totally lost in him.

“Do you want to get out of here?” He whispered to her.

“What?”

“Let’s go. This is stupid. We got our pictures so we can prove that we were here. I just want to be with you.” Her legs were shaking under her. How could she say no when he was looking at her like that?

* * *

“Pull up right here.” Peeta put the car in park and they got out. The night got exponentially better once they left. They sang songs at the top of their lungs with the windows down, speeding through the city. They shared fries and milkshakes. They even snuck into the bakery, stealing cupcakes that were set in the display case for tomorrow. She asked if he would get into trouble, but he waved her off.

“It doesn’t take much. I came out of the womb disappointing her, so her disdain doesn’t hurt me anymore.” Katniss left it at that. Now they were at Hob Park. Peeta had never been, but that was to be expected. It was a staple in the Seam. She had so many memories of attending birthday parties on the lawn throughout her childhood. Now, they would come to eat burgers and attempt to sneak beer from the restaurant inside. It was sacred to them. They sat on top of the blanket they found in the back of his car, nibbling on cupcakes in happy silence.

“I think this might be the best night of my life,” Peeta said quietly. He licked the icing off the top of his cupcake before biting into it. Katniss found it to be extremely weird and cute.

“What do you mean?” She swiped a dollop of frosting from her own cupcake and swiped it on his nose.

“I have dreamt about what it would be like to have a moment like this with you. This is better than I imagined.” He was looking at her with that intensity again. Unwilling to deal with the unfamiliar emotions swirling inside her, she stood up from the ground and held her hand out to him.

“Come on.” He took her hand and they ran into the woods. It was dark, but Katniss knew the terrain so well. She could hear Peeta failing to keep up with her. She made sure to step on branches and make noise so that he didn’t get lost. She stopped at an old willow tree, sat on a branch as his heavy breathing got closer.

“You…are so…fast.” He was before her now, hands on his hips trying to regain his breath. The perfect white of his suit was now covered in a dusting of dirt from the woods.

“Your suit!” He looked down and laughed.

“It’s just a suit.”

“I feel so bad. It was so nice.”

“Totally worth it.” He still had the frosting on his nose and Katniss couldn’t help but laugh.

“Come here, Rudolph.” He inched towards her slowly as if she were prey. She spread her legs, making room for him to stand between them. He felt perfect there. She dusted the remaining frosted sugar from him. It felt like the most intimate gesture in the world.

“I cannot believe you let me lead you into the woods!” She joked. His face turned serious.

“I would follow you anywhere.” His brought his hand to her face. Feeling his hands on her was making her head go fuzzy. All the confusion she felt for him over the years was slowly revealing itself. It wasn’t confusion; it was _desire_. He pressed his forehead to hers and she held her breath. His other hand was running up and down her arm. He touched her as if she were made of glass.

“Dance with me.” She was upset when he took a step away from her.

“There’s no music.”

“Listen.” It was late, but the Mockingjays were floating above them sharing a song. Katniss sang a few notes and they listened as the woods boiled over with music. Peeta pulled her to his arms and they swayed as the birds sang around them. She never wanted to move her head from his chest. The feeling of his heartbeat under her cheek was giving her a comfort she never knew was missing. She looked up at him and his eyes were staring down at her. If she stood on her toes she would be able to capture those full lips. They looked so ready to meet her own. She couldn’t remember a time where she has ever wanted to kiss someone. No, _needed_ to kiss someone.

“Peeta.” Before she had the chance, he stepped away and cleared his throat.

“We should probably get back.” He took her hand and led them back to the park. Back at the car, he gathered their trash while she sat on the hood of his car. _I can’t let the night end like this_. There was still so much unsaid between them. She was finally realizing that she was more than attracted to Peeta. Her father once told her that he loved her mother before he said a word to her. It was a feeling. Something as old and sure as life itself. Watching this boy, so kind and sweet that he couldn’t even leave a loose wrapper on the grass, moved her. She was so sure.

When he came back to her, she planted her feet on the ground. She searched his eyes. He was trying so hard to hide it, but it was there. That same need.

“Katniss— “

“Shut up.” She grabbed him by his lapels and pulled him to her. The moment their lips connected, it was as if she was on fire again. His smell, his arms, the feeling of him was all overwhelming her. She could barely breathe, but she wanted to suffocate on the fumes. Katniss slid Peeta’s jacket off his shoulders, sighing at the warmth of his skin burning through his shirt. Peeta pushed away, his breathing heavy and lips swollen.

“Katniss...”

“What’s wrong?” He shook his head violently. His muscles were tensing up. She could see his jaw clenching. He kept squeezing and releasing his hands. He was fighting the anxiety that was bubbling to the surface. _I can’t lose you. Not now._ She placed her hands on his cheeks.

“Peeta, this is real. I am real.” His eyes were darting around, but she kept hers focused on his. After a while, they settled. His muscles relaxed. Katniss pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

“You have no idea how long I have wanted to kiss you,” He whispered. She kissed him again, but before she could deepen it, he pulled away.

“Peeta?”

“I won’t be able…I can’t control myself.” She looked down and saw his hands protecting himself over his pants. This was so new to Katniss. Boys weren’t her thing. Between the death of her sister, trying to rebuild her life, and school, there was no room. Besides a few questionable glances at Gale and kissing Thresh on stage during the musical sophomore year, her dating experience was nonexistent. But the hunger she was feeling right now was almost like breathing. Her body knew what to do, and she wanted to give into it.

“I've never done this...any of this.” He raised his eyebrows in shock. He understood what she was saying, but he didn’t believe it."But I want you."

“I haven't done this, either.” Now it was Katniss’s turn to look at him in disbelief. He was so popular and charming. There were always girls hanging around him, and he always flirted back. As if understanding, he spoke. “I’ve been waiting for you.” That was all she needed. She was no good with words, but her body would speak for her. She took his hand and lead him to where the blanket was still resting on the ground. She knew what she wanted.

“Come here.” He was hesitant. He was afraid. “Peeta.” The way she said his name, the lust and care painted around it, sent a pulse through his body. He was on her now, lips sucking and hands roaming. His lips were on her neck and kissing their way to her chest. She wanted this dress _off_. Her fingers were unbuttoning his shirt, and for a moment, she watched as the shirt slipped from his shoulders and became one with the grass below them. Peeta’s hand was on her chin and he turned her face back to him. He loved her. His eyes told her so. She hoped her eyes were telling him that she loved him, too.

Even with the warm spring air surrounding them, there were goosebumps growing on Peeta’s skin. Katniss knew they were because of her, and it reignited the fire within her. She turned her back to him. His cool hands slowly pulled down the zipper of her dress. Peeta took a step back, devouring her body with his eyes. She felt exposed, the breeze meeting her skin. She crossed her arms but his soft touch stopped her.

“You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.” He pressed his lips to her collarbone, kissing her as he laid her on the blanket. He ran his fingers down her thighs, the sensation it sent through her making her sigh. He finally rested his hands over her underwear. She didn’t realize the wetness that was pooling there. “Fuck, Katniss.” She felt like she was doing everything wrong, but then his fingers slipped into her panties and touched her clit.

“Oh.” The wave of pleasure from that the small gesture overwhelmed her. She had to lean back on her arms to steady herself.

“Was that OK?” He looked at her, making sure. His desire for her consent seemed to make her want him more.

“ _Please_.” She didn’t want to beg, but she needed to explore that feeling. He began to rub it again, making her legs arch up. He kneeled and pulled one of her legs on his shoulder, the new position giving him more access. He took a moment, thinking, then he slipped her panties from her legs, then brought his lips to where his fingers were. He sucked gently and Katniss could do nothing but cry out. It felt so _good_.

“You like that?” His voice returned to that low tone. He knew he was in control and he liked it. He did it again, this time slipping a finger inside her.

“Oh my _god_.” There was no way this was his first time. He was hitting pleasure points she didn’t even know she had. “Peeta Mellark, you are a liar.” She panted.

“Hmm?”

“This can’t be your first time.” He looked up, and she never wanted to forget how he looked between her thighs. He shrugged.

“I’ve watched some videos.” And with that, he went back to work. She had to bring her fingers to his hair, tugging and pulling. There was something building inside her. It was getting bigger and bigger as his pace quickened. He was sucking and licking and pushing and it was so much all at once and then suddenly, like a wave crashing to the shore, she fell apart in his hands. Her legs were still shaking on his shoulders, and he placed a gentle kiss on her thigh. She stared at him, overcome with his beauty and her love for him. He placed her legs down and leaned down to kiss her. She could taste herself on his lips, and she was surprised at how pleasant it was. Smokey and sweet. Even though she was still coming down from her orgasm, she didn’t feel…done. She still wanted more. She wanted him. She reached her hand out and felt his growing erection. His breath caught in his throat.

“Katniss, you don’t have to.” She pulled him closer and unbuttoned his pants, pulling them down to his ankles. The moment she took him into her hands, she felt powerful. His cock was hardening in her hands, and she was amazed that her touch could have this effect on him. She looked at him, with his eyes shut tight, lips parted, and breath heavy.

“Does this feel good, Peeta?” He moaned in response. She never wanted to forget that sound. Her hunger was deepening. It wasn’t enough. She needed to feel him as close as possible. “Peeta.” He opened his eyes. They were so in sync now, their eyes revealing everything that their mouths were afraid to say.

“Katniss, we don’t have to.”

“I want you, Peeta. I _need_ you.” Katniss was blinded by her lust, obsessed with unearthing the words of his body. “I trust you.” She trusted this moment. They were in this together. Katniss laid on her back, watching him as every thought imaginable danced in his eyes. He positioned himself between her legs, his eyes never leaving hers.

“Slow, ok?” She nodded. He was handling her with so much care. She felt him, slowly moving in inch by inch. There was pressure, so tight and uncomfortable that she thought she wouldn’t be able to take anymore. She bit her bottom lip so hard, refusing to reveal her discomfort. After a moment or two, her body adjusting to him, the pain subsided.

“Is this OK, Katniss?” She brought him to her lips. She was sick of talking. His thrusts were slow, like he was savoring every moment. It was starting to feel good, and she wrapped her legs around him to bring him closer. The way he was moaning her name in her ear made her feel like a God. He reached his hand down and captured her clit again, and she was a goner. He picked up his speed and that same splendor was washing over her. She was digging her nails into his back. Katniss never knew she could feel this good.

“Peeta!” His name escaped her lips as she felt her second orgasm wrap her up like a blanket.

“Katniss, I’m so close.” Their eyes were connected, his pupils so dilated that she knew it wouldn’t be much longer. His head fell to her shoulder and his body shuttered. She knew she could never feel closer to him than this moment. She never wanted to be free of it. They stayed like this for a while. He kissed her softly. Ran his fingers through her loose hair.

“Yeah, this is definitely the best night of my life.” She felt the same way.

* * *

“If we do this in my backseat one more time, I think I might break my neck,” Peeta said as he struggled to pull up his pants. Katniss pulled her shirt over her head.

“I think it keeps things interesting.” Katniss poked her head out the window, making sure the parking lot was still empty. Peeta discovered this abandoned parking lot where Wal-Mart was before it moved to the Northeast side. It was always empty lots or the woods or the meadow. Peeta was too terrified of his parents walking in on them to bring her to his place, and Jo worked remotely from the house; their options were limited. They have been doing this for two months now. Katniss was content with their secret moments after school, but she could tell Peeta wanted more. It was in the way he’d try to get her to come into the bakery at the times his father would be working the counter. Or in the mornings before school when she would sit on her bench talking to Gale, and his eyes would be set on her as if she would fade into the air if he looked away. For the most part, no one in school suspected them. There was talk after they left the dance before it even started, but Peeta, ever the wizard of words, put that to rest.

“What are you doing after graduation?” Peeta pulled her to him and she rested on his chest. Katniss was preparing to braid her hair, but Peeta took her hair in his hands, weaving it the way she liked.

They were a few weeks out from graduation and she just got word that she garnered a full-ride scholarship to Prim’s dream school, Panem University. It was the most prestigious college in the country, and Katniss worked her ass off to get accepted. Getting into PU was Prim’s dream, and she did everything she could to make that happen for her. At times, she felt guilty for finding the ability to move forward after the weight of her loss nearly took her under. For a long time, she thought there was no reason to live if Prim was gone. It was Jo that convinced her that dying would be a waste of everyone’s time.

Even though it was an accomplishment all her own, the first person she told was Peeta. With each passing day, she was falling deeper in love. The reality of it terrified her. After her mother went upstate, Katniss decided she had no more space for love. She couldn’t handle all the repercussions of loving another person. She kept Gale, and even Johanna, at a comfortable distance. She did love them, but it was always just enough that if something happened, she knew she could recover.

“I mean, I don’t leave for Capitol City until the end of August.”

“So, we’ll have the summer.” A ton of bricks was suddenly dropped onto her chest. Peeta was staying in-state and going to Victory University. He could have gone anywhere in the country, but VU had an amazing art studies program and he didn't want to go too far from home. He had so many dreams; eating pizza in Sicily, learning to bake pastries in Paris, dancing in Havana on a steamy summer night. He wanted to become a citizen of the world. But, his brothers both went away for school, which meant there was no money left for Peeta to follow his dreams. He was never meant to shoot for the stars; he was always destined to be the Mellark that stayed.

“Yes. The summer.”

“And then what?”

“Peeta…” They never said I love you. They didn’t need to. They knew. And Katniss hated things like that. Words always complicated things. She was desperate to leave all the trauma of 12-Ward behind. But she loved him enough to stay.

“We need to talk about it, Katniss.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I would never ask you to stay. I know how much PU means to you. I just…I don’t know. I don’t know what I want you to say.” He finished braiding her hair and rested his head on hers. She loved the feeling of him; the weight of his body sheltering her own. She wanted to turn his body into a cocoon; he was a safe place where she could rest and become the best version of herself.

“This is more than sex. You mean so much to me, Peeta.” She leaned back and brought a hand to his face. He leaned into her touch.

“Yeah?” She simply nodded, unable to keep speaking for fear of bombing him with her real feelings. She couldn’t imagine feeling this way about anyone else. She may be 18, but her feelings for Peeta were exactly as her father said. It was as old and true as life itself. Saying that he snuck under the walls she built up would be an understatement. The love was always there, just resting dormant inside her, waiting for her to activate it. Attempting to pull the love for him out of her would be like cutting off her air supply. And Peeta loved her so recklessly; he was always getting in trouble with his mother for being out late or skipping out on his bakery shifts. They found something in each other that they couldn’t get anywhere else; Understanding. Calm. Respect. The sex being amazing didn’t hurt, either. 

Peeta drove her home, his hand resting on her thigh. With the warmth coming in from the windows and the love in her heart, she truly felt happy. After all the loss the felt, she never thought she could ever feel joy again. And the joy Peeta brought her was something completely its own. She knew only he could give it to her. When they pulled into her driveway, she didn’t want to be without him.

Unable to get out of the car, Katniss burrowed into his eyes for a moment, finding the future she never thought she’d have in them. Some economics degree from PU or traveling the world would mean nothing if she didn’t have him.

Concern floated into his eyes. “Katniss, what’s wrong?” Her heart was beating at a rapid pace, her hands suddenly shaking. There were so _many_ feelings bouncing inside her that it was becoming painful. _What if he never knows? What I am too much of a coward to tell him how I feel?_ “Hey.” He took one of her shaking hands and brought it to his chest. His heart rate was steady, calm. Slowly, hers began to match his.

“I want to try.” The words jumped from her throat before she had a chance to stop it. Wrinkles of confusion spread across his forehead as he tried to decipher what she was saying.  
“I…I just…It’s more than sex, Peeta.” It sinks in. His face is soft, almost childlike as the joy spreads.

“You want to try?” She nodded, the idea finally settling in her. She did. Verbally acknowledging her love for him would take longer; something about words always felt so permanent to her. But she could show him. She could love him in the light. Push him to see his true potential. Protect him. That was how she would show her devotion.

“Do you want to stay for dinner?” His eyes looked at her brightly and his kiss confirmed it.

“Do you have flour? I can make something for dessert.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I already know what y'all are thinking.
> 
> If she loved Peeta so much, why the fuck did she leave him behind??
> 
> Soon, my loves. 
> 
> Find me on the tumblr: Char-thelove (:


	5. You Are a Terrible Liar, Katniss

“Katniss, I am serious!” Effie’s voice was in a higher pitch than usual, so Katniss knew she was.

“I said I would ask. I am not making any promises.” Katniss shifted her shoulder to get the phone in a more comfortable place near her ear. _I refuse to be any more indebted to Peeta Mellark than I already am._

“If he is already coming to the house on Fridays, there is no reason that he can’t read the kids a book during the afterschool program. Light press. Maybe just Local WBXY. They are the more liberal station. I should just call Haymitch. He handles all the mayor’s appearances.” Katniss had to stifle the laugh growing in her stomach. Haymitch _hated_ that Peeta came here to spend time with the kids. He would always stare daggers at her when he pulled up in that obnoxious black Escalade to take Peeta to work. Katniss would just glare right back.

“Sure, Effie. Whatever you think is best.”

“Katniss, this is about what is best for the house! Exposure means press. Press means public interest. Public interest equal donations! Think big picture, yeah?” Katniss sighed. She never should have told Effie that Peeta was now a frequent flyer of the house. She has been trying to profit off his visits for weeks, but Katniss wouldn’t budge. She and Gale decided cameras would never be allowed inside the house. These kids have been through enough already. The last thing they needed was being toted around like animals trapped in a zoo.

“Big picture. Got it.”

“Ah-maz-ing. I will see you Tuesday for our meeting! Have a great day, Katniss. And remember to smile!” Katniss threw her phone to the couch in her office and walked to the window.

There were a million things to do and not enough hours in the day. School was back in session which meant she was spending more nights at the house, helping the kids create their new routine. Since the charity gala, there were more families applying to foster the children who were ready to transition into a home. That was amazing, but interviewing and managing applications was a rabid beast. In between all that and her usual duties like keeping the house from falling apart and remembering to shower was the familiar distraction of Peeta Mellark.   
  


Every Friday for the past month he has shown up to spend time with Posy and some of the other youth. They would mostly play and hang out. He loved to help with arts and crafts, coaching the kids through painting with a kind of patience even Katniss couldn’t manage. Their interactions were all business. No touching or side glances. But the heat from his body was constantly pulling her to him. Every time he would say, “See you Friday, Katniss” on his way out the door she would linger in the doorway, watching him get into with Haymitch over something as he got into the car. She needed to plan her next move. The whole _let’s pretend there is no romantic history here_ method was only going to work for so long. Especially since being around him made her so hot that she’d have to stand outside for a few minutes to cool down. The current drought of dick in her life wasn’t bothering her until he came around.

Katniss pressed her face to the glass and watched the events just beyond her reach. On the other side of the window was Peeta lifting a laughing Posy into the air then spinning her around and around. As happy as she was to know his presence was a positive influence on the kids, she was annoyed that he kept coming around. She planned on never seeing him again. She wanted to create a world where he had changed into this power-hungry politician. But, he was still the same, kind, and thoughtful Peeta. And what made it even _worse_ was that it was evident his time with the kids was precious to him. He adored them. It was hard to push him away when he was that loveable. He was just as she remembered him, which made the memories playing on a loop in her head more painful.

Katniss heard the door to her office shut and caught the eyes of Gale. There was a silent fury behind his eyes. She knew what that look meant.

“It is so early in the morning for a fight.” She said. His eyes were still set on her, the fire growing.

“Why is he still here?” Katniss sighed. Gale was particularly protective of Posy. The moment she came to the house, she latched onto Gale. He did his best not to play favorites, but something about Posy slipped into his heart. All their kids have been through hell, but something about her experience touched him. It was no surprise to Katniss that Peeta’s growing presence at the house unnerved him. He never had a vendetta against Peeta, but he never really trusted him, either. His sudden entry into Posy’s heart wasn’t helping.

“I told you already. Peeta made a promise to Posy and he’s staying true to his word.” _Just like he always has_.

“You never should have let him in here. It’s all just one big photo op for him.”

“What do you want me to do, Gale? I can’t just make him go.” Katniss said, so annoyed with this conversation.

“Shouldn’t he be off kissing some rich councilman’s ass or something?” Katniss shot him a look, but he was staring right back, not intimidated in the slightest. It was always so taxing when they argued. They both suffered from the syndrome of needing to be right, down to the battle of who was the most stubborn. Gale was her best friend and her rock. But the older they got, the more his behavior pinched at her nerves. They still bickered like they were 16-year-old kids, and she no longer had the patience or energy for it.

Katniss turned her eyes back to the window of her office.

“You must think I’m an idiot.” His voice was softer now. More calculated.

“I have always thought you were an idiot. It’s why I keep you around.” He wasn’t a fan of the joke.

“You think you are so good at hiding things, but you suck at it.” He moved to stand in front of the window so that she would look at him. There was a sadness in his eyes now. “He wasn’t the only person you left behind.”

“Gale, do you really want to do this now?” Katniss hated talking about feelings. Most of her thoughts were focused on staying alive. How could she worry about something as trivial as love? It wasn’t her fault that the only way she could survive was to hurt people. “I have been back for five years and you never brought this up. Don’t my actions tell you how sorry I am that I left?” Apologies were not her best skill. Gale took a step towards her, deciding if it was smart to touch her. He decided against it.

“It isn’t the fact that you left. It’s that you won’t tell me why.” Katniss was speechless. Johanna was the only person that knew, and she wanted to keep it that way. No one needed to know why she left in the middle of the night three months before classes started at Panem University. Why she left without a word. No texts. No emails. Just gone. Katniss realized the reason she held the truth from people so often was that her truth would engulf everyone around her. If they really knew who she was...if they could see that she was a black hole that sucked the goodness out of anyone around her, they would run. 

“Gale, I don’t want to do this.”

“No. I think we should. This might be my only chance. Now that _he_ is back, I may never get another moment alone with you.” She hated the hate that was in his voice. The jealousy. It was so juvenile; the irrational fear Gale was presenting. When she and Peeta would communicate, it was transactional. Gale knew that.

“What the hell does that mean?”

“After prom, I never saw you. I knew that pulling extra shifts at work meant ‘Sorry, I’m too busy fucking the baker boy’.” Katniss was stunned. She really thought they did a good job of hiding their…whatever their relationship was. They never talked outside of class. They would never leave school together or even wave when their eyes would meet in the hallway. They would meet up in abandoned parking lots and deep in the woods of Hob park. She could count on one hand how many times they spent time together in a location with four walls and furniture. “And then, poof. You were gone. I will never forget how sad you sounded when you finally called me. All I wanted to do was fly out there and hold you. All I have ever tried to do was be there for you.”

Katniss had no idea how to respond. Her relationship with Gale was complicated, always has been. He saw her through the explosion of her life. He was the one who pulled her from the flames as the house burned down. He kept her alive when all she wanted to do was run back into that house to save Prim. His family watched over her until she was willing to tell Johanna that her mother was too ill to take care of her. She would always love him for that.

“I know that.” Her voice was small. She hated this. Gale rested his hand on her cheek and she leaned into it. He felt safe. Always has, and always will.

“What did he do to you?” Gale’s words felt like a stab in her heart. _It’s not what he did to me. It’s what I did to him_. Before she could respond, the sound of young laughter bounced into the room.

“Katniss! Is it snack time yet? I promised Peeta my fruit snacks.” Posy ran into Katniss’s legs and squeezed. Gale instantly picked her up and put her on his shoulders.

“Hey there, pipsqueak.” Posy giggled as she ruffled the dark brown hair on Gale's head. Seeing Posy this happy put Katniss at ease. They tried to give all their kids this level of joy. To ease them into the next phase of their lives. Posy was a hard case to crack. She came in six months ago after her father ran off with some twenty-something. She was only seven years old. Child services found her shaking under her father’s bed and it took them hours to coax her out. Seeing her blossom here was why Katniss did what she did.

Peeta was standing in the doorway, leaning on the doorframe. He was in a white undershirt, his skin slick with sweat. Katniss hated how she could trace the outline of his abs, the shirt just a little too tight.

“You keep those fruit snacks, Zee. You deserve them.” Peeta said with a wide smile. Katniss’s heart was beating so hard that she thought she was going into cardiac arrest. 

“See you Friday!” Posy said as Gale walked them out of the office.

And then there were two.

They stood in awkward silence for a while, and this didn’t bother Katniss at all. The silence always brought her back to a time when would just sit together. They never needed to say anything in those moments; just sharing body heat was enough for them. She thought time would chip away at that feeling, stomp out the need that would crash into her chest. It had simply grown in his absence. Katniss did not know what she was when he was around. Lovesick? Angry? Terrified? Probably a culmination of all the above. She had worked so hard to be everything but that 18-year-old girl, but she was right back where she started; trapped in those icy blue eyes.

“Just say the word and I’m gone.” His voice was soft but firm. He knew what he was wagering and could not falter. All she could muster was a look of complete disbelief. “It is so obvious that you don’t want me here, Katniss.” The way her name rolled from his lips made her knees buckle every time.

“I never said that.”

“You don’t have to. Your eyes have always spoken for you.” Peeta kept his eyes on her, his gaze was so intense that she had to keep her head towards her feet.

“Don’t you have a meeting or something to be at?” As if on cue, they heard a loud honk from the street. Katniss turned her head to the window and was greeted with the dismayed glance of Haymitch, standing outside a black SUV with Peeta’s leftover clothes in hand.

He was in trouble.

Peeta ran his fingers through his hair, a nervous habit he never outgrew. It was so strange seeing how quickly his mood would change when he had to go into mayor mode.

“You hate it, don’t you? Being mayor?” His eyes were shut, his fingers pressed to his temples as if he was trying to alleviate a migraine.

“I don’t hate it. I _love_ my work. I just miss the freedom. It’s all, appearances this and fix the potholes in the street that and of course wearing a green suit to a gala is inappropriate, Peeta. It is absolutely exhausting.” Haymitch honked again, holding the wheel so that the sound rang throughout the air to _really_ make sure we got the hint. Peeta opened his eyes, staring off as if he was visiting a distant place. “All I want to do is make a difference. And I know I am. I am doing the work. But, I miss when I was nothing but the baker’s son. I miss being young and stupid and-" He sighed deeply as if his next words might kill him to say out loud. "And driving around 12-Ward with your hand in mine. Everything was simple then.” Katniss wanted him to look at her, she needed to see the truth in his eyes. Instead, he left her with that as he made his exit.

Katniss pressed her face to the window again, watching him get dressed as Haymitch talked at him. The yearning in her belly was growing at a rapid pace, and she knew there was nothing she could do to stop it.

* * *

There was a town hall tonight. Katniss never went to these things, she knew they were a means to an end. All people do is go in there, yell at the council, then go home. Nothing accomplished. She would rather keep working to actively change her community instead of just complaining about it.

Tonight was different. It was a special town hall. The mayor himself would be there to walk people through the new economic reform bill. The majority of the Seam would be in attendance, and Katniss couldn’t help but want to know what was in the bill. Her curiosity was what lead her to the auditorium of 12-Ward high school. She was too nervous to sit, so she stood towards the side by the stage. She hoped he couldn’t see her from this angle.

The auditorium filled quickly, and at 8 pm on the dot, Peeta took the stage. There were a few claps, but not much. This wasn’t the Northeast side. Folks from the Seam don’t trust people from the other side of town or people that move away. If Katniss hadn’t nearly burned to death, she doubted they would have welcomed her back with open arms.

“I’m sorry, being on this stage makes me feel like some priest or something. My chief of staff is probably screaming backstage, but who fucking cares.” Peeta jumped from the stage and leaned against it once he regained his footing. He was leveling the playing field. _Well played, Mellark_. ”Much better. First off, I want to thank you all for coming out on a Tuesday night. It is so important for everyone to know that I appreciate you giving your time to me.” He was so charming. Katniss could feel the chill of the room beginning to thaw. “Let’s get right to it. The council and I have been working hard to get an economic reform bill on my desk. We are close, but not quite there. I felt that it was important to hear the voices of the people that will be benefitting the most from the reform.” The room was quiet, everyone taking in the words of the mayor. Katniss wished he didn’t hate the job. He was quite good at it.

“Essentially, the bill will provide tax cuts for the small businesses in 12-Ward. This would provide an opportunity for these businesses to be more sustainable. Tax incentives for hiring and providing a living wage. This will also open the market, raising the minimum wage to $18 an hour. For a business, this may seem high, but the incentives should balance this out. This bill will redistribute resources and wages from the Northeast side, making it more appealing to open a business in Mid-City and the Seam. The bill is meant to level the playing field. More jobs mean less poverty. That is what is important to me. Ending the class divide between the neighborhoods in 12-Ward.”

You could hear a pin drop.

Katniss was absolutely stunned. Every word, every breath he took was mesmerizing. She knew that bill had no shot at becoming law, but his dedication to supporting the Seam, the way he took her rants about lack of resources to heart and implemented them to his plan... _Fuck._ She was fighting her feelings with everything within her, but she knew she couldn’t hold off much longer. She was starving for him. Her fear of getting close to him could fuck off.

“Any questions or concerns?” The whispers worked through the crowd. A few minutes went by, people deciding if their opinions were worth sharing. Peeta just stood there; he was happy to wait. He looked to her side of the room and caught her eyes. He smirked at her. His eyes were twinkling as he lifted his eyebrow at her. She smiled and nodded. _You nailed it_.

“I have a question.” Thom, who worked at the medicine plant just outside of the Seam, walked to the other microphone stationed a few feet before Peeta.

“Ask away.”

“How is this actually helping those of us working in the plant? Those of us without businesses.”

“Great question. We want to start by raising the minimum wage. One of the main issues right now is that you are working fifteen-hour shifts but still struggling to pay bills. The wealth in 12-Ward isn’t evenly distributed. I want to change that.” Thom seemed satisfied with the answer and went back to his seat. There were a few more people with questions, and Peeta answered them flawlessly. He made people laugh, took his time and thoughtfully answered their questions. He was born for this.

It was in this moment that Katniss knew leaving him was the right decision. She wanted him to have the life he deserved. To become greater than he could have dreamed. She would have been a distraction if she stayed.

* * *

After the auditorium had cleared out, Katniss sat down in the center of the theater. She spent so much time in this space in high school. She was the star of the spring musicals. She loved the rush of performing, hypnotizing people with her voice. It was the only time she truly felt free.

“I used to sit in the very last row on the left side.” Peeta was standing on the stage, the tie he was wearing earlier hanging loose around his neck. “I went to every single show. I remember my mother throwing a rolling pin at me when she found out where all my allowance money was going. But I had to see you. The only time I ever saw you happy was on stage.” He jumped from the stage and walked to her row. He shimmed over and took the seat next to her. Katniss jumped up, speeding towards the end of the aisle. His proximity would hold her hostage.

“What is the fucking point, Katniss?” He was still sitting down, eyes focused on the stage. She felt frozen as if moving would break her in half. “I just...I don't get it.” He was up now and moving towards her.

“I don’t know what you mean.” She took a few steps back, but her body met the wall and she knew she was trapped. He was in front of her now. She was a goner.

He took her hand, and she didn’t pull away. She closed her eyes and melted as his fingers intertwined with her own. That familiar feeling of his calloused hands meeting hers drained the last bits of her hesitation away. “I was so mad at you, Katniss. For years, I was so hurt and angry and _confused_. You said you would never abandon me and you did. I spent years running through every scenario in my head to find a reason for why you left. The only rational excuse I could think of was that you didn’t love me and you were too scared to look me in the eye while you broke my heart.”

_No. It was my love for you that drove me away._

“But that isn’t true, is it?” She involuntarily shook her head. “What the hell am I doing, Katniss?” If he said her name like that one more time she was going to melt to the floor. When her name floated from his lips, it sounded like a sacred temple. Katniss never felt extraordinary or special, but with Peeta she no longer felt like a black hole. He made her into this bright star that twinkled in the sky. A star that would always guide him home to her. “I was over it. Over you. I found someone. This amazing and kind and fearless woman. And I _loved_ her. I was finally free of the burden of loving you. But when I saw you at the charity gala, it was like...it was like I blacked out. Seeing you…I got angry again. Because I realized that I was _still_ waiting for you. I have been waiting for you all my life.”

Katniss wanted to say something, but his words were entrapping her. What the hell could she say to counter his truth? While he was waiting for her, she was running away. She did everything in her power to avoid him. She blocked him on social media, made sure to never enter the places that he was known to hang at, avoided big high school get-togethers in the event he would show up. Katniss created a world where Peeta Mellark did not exist. And she tried to date other people, too. A few stayed around, but she never took them seriously. The one place she could not erase him, no matter how hard she tried, was in her heart.

He slipped his hand from hers and took a step back. He looked her over as if her body would tell him everything her mouth refused to say.

“Peeta. I…There is just so much you don’t know.”

“Because you won’t tell me!” His face was turning red and she could hear the rapid speed that his breath was finding its way from his chest. “What is the fucking point? If I cannot have you, what is the point?” Katniss leaned onto the wall to steady her. She was searching her mind to find a resolution, but he was slipping away faster than she could keep up. “Let’s just go back to the way things were. It was so much easier that way.” He turned and headed for the door. She was crying now, desperate to not lose him again.

“What about Posy?” He stopped moving but didn’t face her. “She will be heartbroken, Peeta.” _And so will I_. “Please, don’t make her suffer because of us. Because of me.” Katniss walked to him, making sure not to get too close. She could easily wrap her arms around his waist if she reached forward.

This was manipulative. Katniss knew that. _She_ left. _She_ made choices that she knew would hurt him. _She_ moved back home and ignored him. She had no one to blame but herself. She did not deserve Peeta Mellark or his unwavering love. She did not deserve to have a future with him. These were the facts.

And yet, for some reason, she refused to accept it.

Katniss put her shaking hand on his back but pulled back when she felt how tense he was. She could see his hand rubbing his temples. He was whispering something under his breath. “Peeta?”

“Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty. One. Two. Three…” He was counting to himself. Katniss could be dead and she would still be able to spot one of his episodes. She walked around him and put her hands on his cheeks. His eyes were shut tight, his jaw clenched so tight that she could see the muscles poking out from his flesh. She rested her forehead on his and gently rubbed circles around his cheeks, just as she did all those years ago. His eyes opened slowly, large tears slipping from his eyelashes as his eyes met hers.

“I’m here. It’s ok.”

“I don’t want to hate you, Katniss.” His voice was tired and weak. The damage Katniss had done to this man was irreparable. “You broke me.”

“I know.” She had no right to cry, but her tears were falling in tandem with his. They were a fucking mess. “Peeta, you scare me. You always have.”

It was becoming abundantly clear to Katniss that there was nothing she could to avoid this. She loved Peeta when she thought her heart had shrunk too small to ever hold love again. Loving him just happened. She had no control or say in the matter. The moment he held her hand under that table ten years ago, a chest inside her opened, implanting bits of him all over her body. She never stood a chance.

“Peeta Mellark, I love you.” She thought the truth would escape her in a whisper, but her words were loud and full-bodied. The words were solid as if she had never been surer about anything in her entire life. “I loved you then, and I love you now. I tried to stop and it didn’t work. I’m stuck.”

Katniss couldn’t stand it any longer. She lifted herself up on her toes and captured his lips, suddenly transported back to that night. The hem of her prom dress dusty and frayed from running through Hobb Park. Peeta standing before her, his shirt falling from his shoulders and melting to the concrete. His hands holding her steady as hers roamed his bare skin, creating goosebumps at every possible turn. Their lips interlocked in splendor underneath the stars.

But this was now. They weren’t those naïve kids anymore and they were not in some movie. This was real-time and the sparks were more violent now than before. Peeta was shocked when she kissed him, but found his footing and leaned in, deepening the kiss. Katniss could not remember the last time she had kissed someone and meant it.

“Katniss.” He breathed when their lips finally slipped apart. She shut him up by kissing him again. There were no words to describe how much she missed this. For a moment, all the noise from reality dropped out. There were no secrets or obstacles in the way. No Haymitch or Effie or Gale. Just Peeta, his hands, and her need for him. Peeta pulled away and she searched his eyes for any inkling of hope. There were too many emotions resting in them to decipher anything. He kissed her again, the feeling of his lips reminiscent of a butterfly landing on a daffodil.

“I have waited my entire life to hear you say that.” He whispered. She breathed a sigh of relief. But his lips turned downward, his eyes now holding onto a look of sadness.

“What’s wrong?” He took a step away from her.

“You still aren’t being honest with me.” She moved towards him but he blocked her touch. “You have always been a terrible liar, Katniss.”

“I can’t. Please. Don’t make me.” She was pleading with him, begging him to absolve her of this truth. She wasted so much time trying to make him disappear, but she knew if she didn't fight for him to stay, she would lose him forever. But she couldn't give this to him. There had to be another way. He sighed, exasperated.

“This doesn’t work if you aren’t honest with me. It…it just won’t work.” Katniss was speechless. The feeling of him was still lingering on her lips, his smell still swirling around her. He was running and she couldn’t keep up. He sighed again, his mind made up.

“I’ll see you Friday.” Katniss wanted to go after him, but she was too emotionally spent. She was losing no matter what she did. She stood in the empty auditorium long after he was gone.

* * *

Katniss walked into her apartment and threw all her belongings on the floor. Her mind was numb from all the emotional baggage she was lugging around. The apartment was a modest one bed-room. It was located right on the edge of the Seam, on the last block of third street before you enter Mid-City. Her favorite thing about the place was the claw foot bathtub and the bay window in her living room. There was a reading nook next to it, and she would spend most of her off days there, her eyes searching the world below. Always subconsciously searching for him.

She walked to her bedroom and into the walk-in closet. She pulled down a box from the top shelf and sat on the floor, the cool feeling of the hardwood sending goosebumps down her legs. Inside the box were random trinkets and memories she stored away for moments like this. She pulled out a small scrapbook and ran her hand over the soft green cover. “The Book of Katniss” was etched to the front in sparkling yellow letters. Katniss only pulled the book out when she absolutely needed it. There were too many memories stored in the pages. Pictures with her family when they were whole. Her parent's wedding photo. Johanna and her holding Prim when she was born. The book was filled with all the moments and people that made her. All the things she loved recklessly and without restraint.

The final page wasn’t attached to the binding of the book. It was her job to do it, but she never found the strength. On the final page was a picture of Katniss and Peeta on the morning of high school graduation. She recalled the moment so clearly; Johanna was rushing them to the car because they were already late, but she could never resist capturing things on camera. They stood under the big willow tree in front of the house and right before the flash from the camera went off, Peeta wrapped his arm around her waist and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

She had read the note on the page so many times that she could recite it from memory.

_“Katniss,_

_May this book bring you peace. I hope it reminds you how loved you are, and that the love does not fade with distance. One day, I hope this page will be worthy of joining the other memories that you love so much._

_–P.”_

When Peeta handed her the book when he dropped her back home on one of those muggy summer nights, she was angry. It was the most thoughtful thing anyone had ever done for her, and the fact that he went the extra mile of consulting with Johanna nearly drowned her. She didn’t talk to him for two days after that. The book was a physical representation of the lengths he would go to show his love for her. It wasn't lost on her that the way she tried to prove her love for him destroyed them completely.

Behind that final page was a small photo wedged into the binding of the book. She put it there years ago for safety. It was too important to take the risk of losing it. She pulled the photo from the binding and held it in both her hands. All her pain was held in this image. The ultrasound photo that read “Everdeen, Katniss” on the top left corner, her womb front and center, and her baby resting inside its safety.

Katniss held the photo to her chest and cried as if she was 18 all over again, suffocating under the weight of everything she had lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: char-thelove


	6. Post-Katniss Syndrome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life has truly had its foot on my neck recently. I can't believe it has been this long since an update. Thank you for your patience. <3

**Six Months Gone**

The beaming light of the sun through the window began to annoy his eyes. Peeta rolled over and pulled the covers over his head. He groaned, the familiar ache in his chest settling in as he regained consciousness. _Another day I must live. How unfortunate._

“Peeta?” He turned over and finally opened his eyes. Standing next to the bed, adorned in last night’s clothes, was a girl. She had this look of confusion in her eyes; she wasn’t sure what to do. “Hey, I have to get to class. My professor takes, like, major attendance.”

Peeta pushed himself up on his arms. He wasn’t really interested in the girl or this situation at all, but he still had manners. He took the girl in, tried his best to remember even _one_ thing about her. He was having a hard time.

“No use in you being late.” He responded, sleep still in his voice. She smiled at him, the look in her eyes showing relief. As if she was seeing something familiar. He must have used this charm when he convinced her to come home with him last night.

“I had _so_ much fun. Did my photo save on my contact in your phone?” _I could give two fucks about you being in my phone at all._

“Of course. I made sure of it.” Her smile widened.

“Ok, well. Text me.” Peeta gave her a small smile and she exited the room. He fell back into the bed and sighed. He closed his eyes and, to his dismay, a smiling Katniss Everdeen revealed herself behind his eyelids. It was nearly the second semester of Freshman year and Peeta still gave no fucks about anything. His mission was to get over Katniss. He _had_ to and by any means necessary. He was having nightmares about her. Reliving her disappearance over and over. That was what Peeta Mellark's life was now: one never-ending nightmare.

Katniss left two weeks after graduation. She promised him that they had the summer. She swore that she wanted to give _them_ a real try. Peeta held onto those promises as if they were the air circulating in his lungs. He created all these plans in his mind: Spending their one year anniversary in Greece, jumping into warm water, hand in hand. Moving in together after Katniss graduated. Kissing her in the light as they walked down the street. Showing the entire world how much he loved her. How much they loved _each other_.

He remembered it all so clearly, those final twos week they spent together. Graduation was on a Sunday. His parents weren’t 100% sure they could make the ceremony due to an “excessive amount of orders”, so he went to his _real_ home. Johanna never asked questions, just supported their relationship in the best way she knew how. She went along with the ruse that he and Katniss were just friends. She respected their desire for privacy, but always managed to throw a dirty joke or five into the mix on the rare occasion Katniss would invite him into the house. 

Things were different that day. Katniss didn't say a word the entire drive to the ceremony, she kept her eyes on the world outside the window with her hands folded in her lap. When they walked side by side with the crowd of students into the auditorium for the ceremony, he knew that their relationship would be changed after that moment. Everything they talked about in regards to being a couple and visiting each other at school was no longer an idea. It was _real_. When she squeezed his hand quickly before walking ahead of him, he knew she felt the same way. They were in this. 

Things were fine after graduation. She was distant, but nothing that wasn't typical for Katniss. They would sit in Hob Park most nights and listen to music. Katniss would lay on his chest and not say a word, but it never worried him. Being with her was all that ever mattered. His blind excitement of being with her kept him from seeing the signs.

The last time he saw her, he was alone closing the bakery for the night when she stormed through the front door. She just walked around the counter and pulled him into her arms. She held him so tight as if she didn’t care if anyone else in the world saw how much she loved him. And she kissed him. Over and over and over. When he tried to ask her what was wrong, she ignored him. Instead of using her words, she led him to the storage room and made love to him. He would never forget the way the pressure of her body on a large bag of sugar sent the sweet crystals into the air, the powder leaving a light dusting over their conjoined bodies.

And that was it. She was gone two days later. His messages to her turned green and his calls went straight to voicemail, an indication that she blocked his number. He could no longer access her Facebook. She was…she was _gone_. It took him an entire week to get out the bed again. Even his mother pinching and throwing things at him didn’t bring him out of the darkness.

Peeta had a decent scholarship to VU and his parents refused to let him stay home and wallow, so he went upstate. He rarely went to class, which was vastly different from his punctuality in high school. He would lay on the couch wearing yesterday’s underwear, pounding back beers like they were water. His roommate, Finnick Odair, hated him. And rightfully so; Peeta was a terrible person to live with. At least he wasn’t dirty. Scrubbing the shower until the brush was nearly ingrained in his palm was the only thing that made him feel like a person these days.

Peeta finally rolled out the bed and walked to the kitchen. Finnick was sitting at the table, the headphones in his ears blasting the music so loud that Peeta could hear the words. He walked to the fridge and pulled out a beer, not really concerned with the fact that it was 11 am and he had Intro to Shakespeare class at 12:20. Finnick looked up as Peeta took a long swig, and rolled his eyes.

“Dude, it’s 11 am,” Finnick said, clearly irritated.

“And?” Finnick took his headphones out and looked Peeta over. He knew he desperately needed a shower. Well, he needed a lot of general upkeep.

“Peeta. It’s embarrassing at this point.” A wave of anger surged through him. Peeta wanted to throw a punch, but Finnick had a good two feet on him and could crush him like a roach.

“Mind your business.”

“This is my business, Mellark. Do you have any idea how irritating it is to come home to you, dick out, on the couch _every_ day? And the fact that I can hear you at night even though our rooms are on total opposite sides of the suite is _insane_. You think I like blowing my hearing to shit just to avoid hearing you hook-up every other night? C’mon, dude.” Peeta was unsure what he should say. He felt bad. He never liked being an inconvenience because that is how he was treated his entire life. But he was just so…so… _everything_. He couldn’t remember how to function the way he did before. He couldn’t remember a time before Katniss came in like a hurricane and disrupted his life.

“I…Sorry.” Peeta’s voice was shaking. He kept his eyes on the can of beer in his hand, his mind focusing on the bubbles growing and bursting inside the can.

“Don’t you get tired? Of being this unhappy?” Finnick’s words brought Peeta’s gaze from the can and into his sea-green eyes. He was surprised to see the concern in his roommate's eyes.

“I never knew you noticed.”

“You’re an idiot,” Finnick added a chuckle to the end to make sure Peeta didn’t take offense. “Who was she?” _I can’t talk about her. I can’t do this. He won’t understand_. “Ahhhhh, it was that bad, eh?” Peeta finished his beer and crushed the can on the wall.

“Fuck off.” He didn’t make it past the couch before Finnick’s words trapped him again.

“You never get over it, ya know.” Peeta felt his breath catch in his throat, the room suddenly tilting off its axis. He hated that she taught him this, but it was the only method that helped ground him when his anxiety tried to force him into orbit.

_My name is Peeta Mellark._

_I am 19 years old._

_I go to Victory University._

_I love Katniss Everdeen._

_I lost Katniss Everdeen._

_I lost everything._

He whispered it to himself until the pounding left his ears and his nails stopped digging into his palms. He heard Finnick’s feet move across the wood of the floor and stop just behind him.

“Your first love, I mean. You never get over it.” Peeta turned to face Finnick, the tears he was trying so hard to hold in were slipping out now.

“She was more than my first love! She was everything. I…I don’t know how…I can’t let her go.” Finnick put his hand on Peeta’s shoulder and he shuddered. He realized it was the first comforting touch he’s received since…well, _her_.

“I’ve never known you whole, but I can only assume you were the life of every room you were in.”

 _I’ve never known you whole_.

Peeta was so broken that everyone around him could see the gaping hole inside him. He was slowly realizing that the only person that could mend it was himself. And he wasn’t sure he was up for the task.

"What will it take to get you…Ok?” This was the first time anyone told him that he didn’t need to aim for happy. He just needed to be OK. Peeta took a deep breath, taking his time releasing the air through his teeth.

“I just want to know why she left.” Finnick went to the couch and sat in the middle, pulling his long athletic legs into a criss-cross applesauce position.

“There is no such thing as closure. The closure is the person that hurt you continuing the same behavior. There is nothing she could say to you that would mend your heart. She broke it. What more do you need?” Peeta slid to the floor and rested his head on the wall. He pressed his head to the drywall a few times, adding more pressure each time.

_How hard do I need to put my head into the wall to pass out? Not waking up would solve all my problems._

“What are you, a shrink?”

“I will be. I’m studying psychology. I told you this when we first moved in.” Peeta mouthed a silent _Oh_. What has he allowed himself to become? He wasn’t the person who didn’t pay attention. He wasn’t the rude asshole. He was…kind. There was no way that she took the best parts of him when she ran away. Right?

“It doesn’t matter. I’m about to flunk out. I’ll just move home and be the loser that works at the bakery for the rest of my life.”

“Peeta. I want to be your friend. For some strange fucking reason, I like you. I can’t escape this feeling that you aren’t naturally this unbearable.” For the first time in what felt like years, Peeta laughed.

“Yeah. Contrary to popular belief, I was a pretty cool dude in high school.”

“I’d really like to meet him.” The way Finnick was looking at him…Like he actually gave a fuck…Peeta felt like no one would ever care about him again. If Katniss didn’t want to stay, who else would?

 _I guess it’s time to find out_.

* * *

**Four Years Gone**

Peeta cursed himself as he attempted to push the final box from the truck. Sweat was streaming down his back, the sun beating down on him. _I am never moving my own shit ever again._

“Give it to me, Peeta.” Finnick laughed as he walked over and grabbed the box. “Love the effort, but leave the heavy stuff to me.” Peeta was too tired to fight back. Besides, Finnick worked out twice a day and Peeta was lucky if he ran outside on the weekends.

Peeta managed to get himself together Sophomore year. It took him an extra year to graduate, but he got his art history degree. It was a bullshit major, especially since there wasn’t any real museums or art in 12-Ward, but he was just glad he finished. Finnick was a huge help and was now one of his best friends. Finnick garnered an apprenticeship at a private psychotherapy clinic and Peeta was so relieved that he could keep him as a roommate. Peeta was really trying to work on his co-dependency issues, but he didn’t feel stable enough to do this without Finnick.

She only crossed his mind sporadically now, but when she did, it was bad enough to send him spiraling. But Finnick was always there to catch him and pull him out. They both knew he was one nightmare away from slipping back to his Freshman year habit.

Peeta watched Finnick take the last box inside their new home and he sat on the grass. He closed his eyes and bathed in the hot summer sun. He could enjoy the little things again. Finally.

“For two guys, you sure have a lot of shit.” Peeta opened his eyes and tried to find the source of the gentle voice. Standing on their porch was a woman; she had deep brown skin and wide round eyes, and long purple braids, half of it tied in a bun on her head. It took Peeta a moment to decipher why his lungs suddenly stopped pumping air in and out. She was…stunning. He realized that he hasn’t looked at someone and felt this since…well, since Katniss.

“You never realize how much junk you accumulate until you move.” He said back. She was standing with her hands on her hips, a slight smile on her lips.

“Yeah, I feel you. How long do you plan to stay?” She jumped off the porch and walked over to him. Her eyes were deep brown. He was totally lost in her.

“I—I don’t know. Until they kick us out? Or when Finnick finally replaces me with his girlfriend, Annie.”

“Ahh, the tall strong one has a girlfriend. How boring.” Peeta snorted and he pretended to not notice the way it made her smile.

“I’m only jealous 30% of the time.”

“Well, if it’s only 30%! I accept that.” They shared a glance for a moment. Peeta got up and took a step towards her. She didn’t move away.

“Do you have a name?” Peeta asked her. She rolled her eyes.

“No, I have been floating through the world for the last 24 years nameless. Just whisper Nina four times to the wind and I will appear.” Peeta laughed again. _She’s funny. Naturally funny. Wow. She’s…wow._

“I’m Peeta."

“Like the bread? Damn. Your parents have quite a sense of humor.”

“They run a bakery and my brothers took all the cool breads so…here I am.”

“Well, if it makes you feel better, I find pita bread to be mediocre. But you seem alright.”

“Thanks…I think?”

“You’re welcome.” Nina took her keys from her pocket and twirled them around her finger. “I have to get going. Work and shit. Not very exciting.”

“How dare you insult me and run away?”

“I gotta keep you on your toes.” She smiled at him, a smile so bright and genuine that he felt his heartbeat pick up. “If you couldn’t guess, I’m your neighbor. We share a porch. Moral of the story is, don’t bring bitches on my porch.” She pointed towards her door which was directly next to theirs.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Nina the Neighbor.” He stretched his hand out to her. She looked at it for a moment. Instead of shaking it, she closed the space between them and wrapped her arms around him. He was so shocked by the sparks he felt from her touch that he didn’t return her embrace.

“Handshakes are for scary white people. Even though you are very white, you are not scary. So you get a hug.” Finally over his shock, Peeta snuggled into her neck, took in her scent; vanilla. Nina broke their embrace and cleared her throat, clearly experiencing similar emotions.

“Ok. Well. I’ll see you around, Neighbor Peeta.” She gave him a salute and walked to her car.

Finnick exited the house, beer in hand. He followed Peeta’s eyes, which were focused on Nina as she drove out the driveway.

“Who’s that?” Peeta could feel the smile cemented on his face.

“Nina.”

* * *

“Relax, Peeta.” Peeta was pacing in the living room, a tray of fresh lemon cookies bouncing on the plate in his shaking hands.

“What if she hates cookies?”

“Jesus Christ, Peeta. I know you’re rusty, but this is embarrassing.” Finnick was sitting on the couch, his girlfriend Annie laying across his lap. She was flipping through potential movies on Netflix, paying them no mind.

“Finnick, you don’t get it. It took me…basically a decade to ask out my ex. This isn’t familiar territory for me. This is nine years too early!” This was their sixth month living in their place and Peeta’s crush on Nina was growing like a weed. They usually ran into each other on their way out for work or when they both returned home. At least once a week, they would sit on their shared porch and talk. Slowly, he was learning her quirks and desires. She was a political strategist that wanted to make a run for the Senate one day. Until then, she was working at Haymitch Abernathy’s law firm as a secretary and taking bartending shifts at Mid-City Tavern. Her favorite color was yellow. She was an only child and had an amazing relationship with her parents. She was single.

She was _single_.

Peeta had no idea how to ask her out. After his wake up call in college, he stopped worrying about dating altogether. It was nothing but four years of self-reflection, going to class, and baking. He was content with the idea of never dating anyone again, period. He couldn’t handle loving someone the way he loved Katniss again. His grief over losing her nearly killed him.

But Nina was…different. Everything about her and his feelings for her was different. He couldn’t compare it to Katniss. 

“Just go over there, feed her your sexy cookies, and fuck her brains out.” Peeta took a cookie from his plate and threw it at Finnick. It landed on Annie’s head.

“Peeta!” She laughed as she took the cookie from her bright red hair and put it in her mouth. “Oh yeah. These cookies are amazing. I’d fuck you for sure.”

“Gee, thanks, Annie.”

“It’s what I’m here for!” Peeta closed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm himself. _I like Nina Mosley._ _I am going to ask out Nina Mosley._

He opened his eyes, his heart rate suddenly steady. He was ready.

“Fuck it.” He walked out the door, the cheers and chants from Finnick and Annie silenced as he closed the door. Before he could talk himself out of it, he was in front of Nina’s door, his fist knocking on the wood. He could hear the laugh track of some TV show from her window. Her footsteps were loud as she came to the front door. In an instant, she was standing in front of him, her braids laying around her shoulders. She was wearing sweatpants and a white t-shirt that was too tight in the best way. She noticed the cookies in his hands and smiled.

“The baker finally brings me cookies.” He shrugged.

“Couldn’t let you think I was easy.”

“Oh, I don’t think. I _know_.” They laughed, their eyes never leaving each other. She didn’t reach for a cookie, her hands were clenching and unclenching by her sides. She took a step back to give him room to step inside. Her house was identical in layout but completely opposite in the vibe. She had teal painted walls that had frame after frame of family photos. There were _living_ plants placed around the room and a mustard couch in the center that looked so comfortable that Peeta could only imagine how many nights she just slept on it instead of dragging herself to her bed. Her house felt inviting. It was like being in one of her hugs, except you could stretch out your legs and stay awhile.

"What are you smiling at?" Peeta came down from his thoughts to look at Nina. She was staring right back at him, that signature curiosity in her eyes and smirk on her lips. 

"This might be weird, but I can't stop picturing you falling asleep on that couch. It looks dangerously comfortable." 

"It happens more often than I'd like to admit. Good couches are hard to come by, so I try to get my money's worth." Peeta was still holding onto the plate of cookies, his palms beginning to sweat. "You gonna let me try one of those or are they just for decoration?"

"Right! Yeah. Ummm, here." He placed the plate on the kitchen table and watched as she playfully inspected a cookie before taking a bite. The look on her face said it all.

"What the fuck, Peeta? You are _this_ good at baking and it's taken you six months to bring me anything? I thought we were friends." She ate three more cookies before she noticed the way he was watching her. Peeta didn't mean to look at her like _that_ , but she was so beautiful, more so with cookie crumbs hanging onto the corner of her mouth.

"I'm glad you like them," Peeta said softly as she quickly grabbed a napkin and quickly wiped the remaining crumbs from her lips. She took a step towards him. 

"Peeta." 

"I can make you more if you want. I have all these recipes I've been wanting to try."

"Peeta." Nina was was in front of him now, her wide brown eyes entrancing him. He couldn't look away. He didn't want to. 

"Do you like lemon? Cause-" The feeling of her hands grabbing his shirt and pulling him to her lips shut him up. Her lips were so soft and full. His need to drown in her vanilla scent grew as he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer. Peeta couldn't remember the last time he kissed someone, _really_ kissed someone. His heart was in it, and all he could think about was the sadness he would feel when she inevitably pulled away. But Nina stayed in the moment with him. She held him tighter and took control over their rhythm. Slow and steady kisses that almost didn't feel long enough. 

When they finally came up for air, Nina had this wide goofy smile on her face. 

"If you wanted me to kiss you, all you had to do was ask." She teased. "Because those are _not_ 'kiss me' cookies."

"Then what are they?" Peeta had a hard time hiding his surprise when she lifted her t-shirt over her head, exposing her black lace bandeau. 

"Peeta Mellark, those are 'fuck me' cookies."

"Nina, please don't think that-" 

"Aht, aht, aht! Don't try to talk me out of it. My mind is made up." Nina slowly walked back towards the couch, her fingers loosening the tie around her sweatpants. Peeta could feel how red his face was. The problem wasn't the idea of fucking her; Peeta hasn't been able to stop thinking about that since he met her. It was the fact that Nina made him... _nervous_. 

"Nina, I like you." Peeta blurted out. Her smile grew as she stepped out of her sweats. Peeta couldn't believe this was happening. He never thought he could feel like this about anyone ever again. Yet, here was this incredible, funny, whipsmart woman standing, half-naked, in front of him. And the only thing he could think about was the rapid pace that he was falling for her. 

"I know you do. Clearly, if I'm practically begging to have sex with you on my very nice and expensive couch that I, fun fact, have not fucked _anyone_ on, then I like you, too. Now get over here before I change my mind." 

* * *

**One Year Home**

Peeta pulled Nina closer to him as they walked into The Crab Shack. He wasn’t a fan of the crab boil style places, but Nina loved it, so he pretended to love it, too. She pressed a kiss on his cheek, gently pulling him towards the counter. It was hard for Peeta to believe he and Nina had been together for a year. He wasn’t prepared for her to enter his life, but once she landed on his heart, he was a goner. He _loved_ her. It was a different love, but a strong one. She was his partner. She supported him in every possible way. He saw a real, tangible future with her. Nothing about loving Nina was hard or complicated. That was what he loved the most.

“Do you think they’ll make us wait for a table when you’re mayor?” Nina whispered playfully.

“Well, that would require me to a, run and b, win.” In bed one night, Peeta jokingly brought up the idea of running for mayor. Winning class president two years in a row in middle school made him feel extremely qualified for the role. The political strategist in Nina took that and ran with it. She started mocking up a political platform and election slogans. Peeta has been trying to avoid the inevitable conversation that required him to tell her he had no genuine interest in being mayor of 12-Ward.

“Babe, you would basically be running unopposed. Everyone is sick of the partisan gridlock and we need a new voice. This will be Snow’s third attempt and no one even likes him. He’s been the party’s only option for years. You are young. You are so smart. You have a vision. And you are so fucking hot. You got this in the bag, Peet.”

There was a small part of him that wanted to see what it would be like. He was being positioned to take over the bakery and he was still unsure how he felt about it. He was reluctant to admit that he didn’t hate the idea as much as he did in high school, but the thought of trying to make a name for himself outside of his family was…well, it was exciting.

“Would you rig an election for me?” Peeta teased. Nina rolled her eyes.

“No. I’m too good at my job. You’ll win and I won’t have to break a sweat. While you come to terms with my taking over the next year of your life and running the most organized and jaw-dropping campaign that 12-Ward has ever seen, I am going to the bathroom. Get my favorite table?”

“Anything for my spoiled brat.”

“One of these days, you will stop punishing me for being an only child that was suffocated with her parent's unwavering attention.”

“Don’t hold your breath.” She laughed against his lips as she kissed him. “See you in a sec.” She got two steps away from him before he pulled her back to his chest. He pressed his forehead to hers and relished at the moment.

"I love you, but I gotta pee!" She kissed him again and slipped from his embrace.

"Ok. Love you back." He watched her walk to the bathroom, her purple-tinted curls bouncing. Nina told him that she loved him often and, even when it made him a little uncomfortable, he appreciated it. Every moment meant something to her. She lived a life without fear. She loved freely because she believed the risk of heartbreak was worth it. Whenever they fight, Peeta always gave in first, his mantra being "I don't want to hurt you. I will never do anything to hurt you." But she always countered with, "You have. You will. And I'll love you anyway." That was the kind of woman Nina Mosley was.

Peeta grabbed the table towards the open window in the back of the restaurant. He waited for the hostess to drape a fresh newspaper over the table. It was such an inefficient way to protect the tables from the juices and mess from the crab boils. Nina loved cheesy shit like that.

As Peeta got comfortable, he perused the newspaper as he hummed to himself. A headline caught his eye.

“The ribbon-cutting for the new Home in the Meadow house was a historical moment for the Seam.” Peeta read to himself. “Inspired by the loss of her sister, the new foster home started by 12-Ward native Kat—“

His heart stopped.

He pushed his chair away from the table, the feet sliding loudly against the linoleum floor. There, right in the middle of his table, was the face of Katniss Everdeen, smiling brightly in front of a large house with Gale Hawthorne by her side.

“No…no, no, no. Fuck!”

“Babe?” Nina approached the table, her eyes filled with worry.

“Can we go? We need to go. I need to go.” His feet lead him to the exit, and he could feel Nina behind him.

“Peeta, wait!”

He couldn’t stop moving. He had to get away from here. Had to get away from her. Katniss Everdeen was back in 12-Ward. She was _here_.

The feeling of a hand pulling him backward made him fall to the ground. A car honked loudly as it sped through the intersection, just barely missing him. He looked up to find Nina standing above him, chest heaving from racing to catch up with him.

“I leave for five minutes and suddenly you want to kill yourself? Just say you don’t like The Crab Shack!” She teased. Peeta wanted to laugh. He wanted to slip back into the comfortable life he had made for himself over these last few years. He closed his eyes and tried to think of the future he was planning with the woman standing above him.

“Peeta, what is wrong?” Nina kneeled in front of him and searched his eyes for an answer. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Peeta pulled her to him and held his breath, an attempt to keep the sobs from slipping out. He shut his eyes tight, attempted to shut out everything but the feeling of Nina’s body heat and comfort.

When he took a deep breath, the vanilla scent he had grown to love wrapped around him.

But it didn’t feel right. It didn’t bring him the comfort he knew it should. In the blink of an eye, he was right back where he started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there are so many questions. Answers and resolutions are coming <3 
> 
> Find me on tumblr! char-thelove. I want to be more active and have THG friends so come say hi!


	7. Pumpkin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was hard to write, but I feel a lightness on my heart now that it is in your hands. 
> 
> She's a doozy. Take your time <3

**June**

_My name is Katniss Everdeen._

_I am 18 years old._

_I am from 12-Ward._

_My father is dead._

_My mother left._

_My sister died in a fire._

_I survived the fire._

_I am pregnant._

_I am having Peeta Mellark’s baby._

Katniss said this to herself over and over, trying to emulate a feeling of calm. It was failing. She was so fucked. So fucking fucked.

“Katniss! Hurry or you’ll be late!” Late. She was already late. Her graduation cap was sitting on the sink, pictures of herself and Prim decorating the top. Next to that cap that she had worked so hard for, were four pregnancy tests in a neat row. Three bright pink pluses staring back at her. She even got one of the fancy electronic ones, and it read PREGNANT in the boldest letters she had ever seen. _Rude_.

“Katniss?” His voice was so close. She swiped the tests into the trash can right as he appeared in the doorway. “You ready?” She nodded. She was silently cursing herself for letting him stay over last night. He was so sad that his family wasn’t coming to graduation which lead her to burst into tears and demand that he stay. The hormones were out of control.

“What’s wrong?” _We’re having a baby_. She wanted to blurt it out. The secret was burning inside her chest. But seeing him there, that concern in his eyes…She couldn’t do that to him. Not today.

“Just nervous. It’s graduation, ya know.” She pulled her lips into a smile. He kissed her softly.

“C’mon. If Johanna calls your name one more time, she’ll start tearing the house apart.” Peeta took her hand and lead her to the living room where Johanna was waiting impatiently.

“Only you could manage to be late to your own graduation,” Johanna said as she rolled her eyes.

“What are you talking about? We have a whole hour.” Katniss countered.

“By the time I get my pictures, you _will_ be late.” Katniss groaned as Peeta struggled to hold in his laughter. She pinched the skin right above his elbow.

“Katniss!” He squealed.

“Don’t laugh at me.”

“Pictures. Come on!” Johanna left the front door open behind her as she stormed outside. Katniss suddenly felt bad and gently rubbed the agitated skin on Peeta’s arm.

“Did it hurt?” She asked quietly.

“It wasn’t pleasant.” She turned so that they were face to face. Even though she just hurt him for sport, his sparkling blue eyes were looking at her as if she were the most precious thing in the world. “I think I’ll survive it.” Katniss felt herself unraveling. The longer she looked into Peeta’s eyes, the farther the truth climbed up her throat, threatening to escape past her lips. She was an independent soul, only relying on herself, but she wasn’t sure she could handle this one on her own. This was _big_. This was a fucking _baby_. “Last night was nice.” For the first time that morning, a genuine smile landed on her lips.

“It was.” Johanna didn’t say a word when she walked into the house and saw them cuddled up on the couch. She just laughed and hid out in her room for the rest of the night. She was a little cold for most of the night since he insisted on sleeping with the window cracked, but the warmth of his chest pressed to her back made up for it. She couldn't remember the last time she slept that peacefully. 

“I could get used to it.” Katniss wanted to believe that he wanted this. That he really wanted her as badly as she needed him. She knew the rug would be dragged from under her at some point. Maybe it was already in process. “Hey.” That simple word coming from his mouth always shook her back to earth. It meant more than hello _._ It was a constant reminder. _I’m here. I hear you. I got you. Always_. “Where are you right now?” His voice was soft, wrapped in concern. _Lie. Come on dumbass, think of a lie!_

“I—uh—uh—just feeling a little sick.”

“Still?” This wasn't a full lie. The last few weeks have been hell, to say the least. The constant nausea was terrible on its own, but the lethargy, aching muscles, and migraines were a nice cherry on top. “Do I need to take you to the doctor?”

“No! I’ll handle it, ok? Don’t worry about it.”

“All I do is worry about you, Katniss.”

“I know.” Peeta was aware of how scared she was of their relationship. He steered clear of telling her how much he loved her, instead showing it in discreet ways. Sneaking treats into her locker each day or picking dandelions and weaving them into her braid when they would hang out. Reminding her how much he _worries_ about her. They decided together that after graduation they would be serious about their relationship. They would have the summer to test things out and tell their friends and families that they were the real deal. They could finally say _I love you_ boldly and without fear.

But now she was pregnant and everything was different. God, how could she be so stupid? He convinced her to give in to the fantasy of being in love and doing long-distance and making it all work. He made her believe things could be simple. The reality was that neither of them could know simple if it threw a rock at their heads. For starters, between the two of them, there were enough mommy issues to write a book.

“Come on. Can’t keep Jo waiting.” He walked outside but she did not immediately follow. She stood in her spot, her shaking hands resting on her stomach. She could feel a slight roundness forming. _Fuck_. Katniss closed her eyes and tried to breathe.

_My name is Katniss Everdeen._

_I am 18 years old._

_I am from 12-Ward…_

* * *

After graduation, Katniss was doing her best to act like everything was okay but she wasn’t sleeping, and she wouldn’t let Peeta touch her. She had to plan. If she told Peeta, that would be it. He’d drop out of school and take over the bakery. He’d move her in and take care of her. They would stay in 12-Ward and that would be that. But they both had dreams larger than that. He had plenty of obstacles, but he could literally do anything he wanted and it was her mission to push him towards that. His words. His baking hands. His artistic mind. His talents were bigger than where they lived. And for her…she promised Prim. She had to go. Prim was the fuel that got her this far. She made Katniss want to leave this dark world brighter than what she knew.

But this was _Peeta’s_ baby. Getting rid of it would kill him. She didn’t have the mental space to dig into what an abortion would do to her.

“Katniss, come here,” Johanna called from the living room. Katniss walked out of the bathroom, her hair still wet from her shower.

“What’s up?” Her cousin was never one for beating around the bush, so she got right to it.

“How far along are you?” Even though her robe was wrapped tightly around her, Katniss’s body was suddenly cold. “Don’t play dumb. You could land a plane on your nose.” Her hands shot to her face. _Fuck_.

“Johanna—“

“I can’t believe Peeta Mellark laid an egg in you. He was always the runt. Good for him.”

“This isn’t funny!”

“You have to find the comedy in the tragic, brainless.” Johanna got up and crossed to her. She took Katniss’s hands. “How far along are you?”

“I’ve been too scared to go to the doctor. Doctors make things real. I don’t want this to be real. I'm just going to ignore it and it will go away.” Johanna tilted her head, her eyes softening.

“Katniss, we both know that isn’t true.” Katniss squeezed her eyes tight, a small tear sliding down her face. Katniss had never had a single positive experience with a doctor. They were always giving life alternating news. _Your father is sick and there is nothing we can do to save him. Your mother is prone to severe depressive episodes but she is refusing medication. The scars from your burns may never fully heal._

“I don’t want to go alone.” Katniss whispered.

“You have me. You are never alone.” Katniss was repressing all these feelings and they were bubbling over, tears falling in a steady stream now. “I got you.”

A few days later they went to a clinic, Katniss insisting they go to the next town over to make sure no one recognized her. The doctor confirmed what she already knew. P r e g n a n t. And very pregnant at that. Katniss wrote off her missed periods to her body getting adjusted to the birth control. She felt herself gaining weight, but who wouldn’t when you spend all your free time with a baker?

Johanna sat on Katniss’s bed. She was coming down from another crying fit. Johanna didn’t like tears, but she was giving Katniss her time to cry it out.

“I can’t tell him.” Katniss managed to get the words out through her tears.

“What?”

“It will ruin his life.”

“What about _your_ life? You gonna raise a baby by yourself? You just turned 18!”

“I can’t not have it. I just hear Prim’s voice in my head telling me to be brave. Telling me that I can do this. I just need time.”

“And what about your mom?” _My mom. Fuck._ Would she care that Katniss fucked up like this? Was she even capable of feeling disappointed with her daughter’s actions? Did Katniss want her mother to care?

“I haven’t seen her in like, six weeks. I don’t think it would really matter.” Katniss’s eyes wandered to her dresser where the card her mother sent her for graduation was still resting inside the envelope. She knew Johanna organized it. She was always trying to mediate her relationship with her mother.

“Try to put yourself in her shoes.”

“I can’t forgive her. I won’t. Maybe this baby…this could be my chance. To fix what she broke.”

“You were always too smart for your own good. And yet, so stupid at the same time.”

“I am leaving—with or without you.” Johanna sighed. She knew more than anyone that when Katniss decided on something, she was all in. The dumber the decision, the deeper she dug.

“You cannot do this by yourself. Are you fucking crazy?”

“Everything I love just…it goes away. Dad. Prim. Mom is all I have left and she can’t even look at me for more than ten minutes before spiraling out. I have to do this. I was so stupid to think I could—“

“Hush." The wheels in Johanna's mind were suddenly spinning a mile a minute. "We can move before August and get a place. I have connections out there so we can get set up. You can have the baby there and then I can help you while you’re in school. I mean it when I say _help_. I don’t have any kids of my own for a reason.” Katniss was crying again but she nodded. “For the record, you are all I have, too. I love you. Don’t disrespect me again by saying you don’t have anyone. You will _always_ have me.”

“I’m sorry.” Katniss whispered. She hated that she was dragging Johanna into her shit, but who else could she turn to?

“I still think you should tell Peeta. He would be there for you. For both of you.”

“I love him, Jo.” She let the words settle into the air, the reality of it scaring her shitless. Her love was a curse. “I love him and I am so terrified. I just…I want to protect him. I _have_ to protect him.”

“Protect him from what, Katniss?” She barely got the words out before she exploded into a new batch of tears.

“I have to protect him from me.”

* * *

Katniss leaned on the willow tree behind Mellark bakery, trying to muster the nerve to go inside. Besides her crippling fear of trying to say goodbye to Peeta, the evil witch was working the register and she wasn’t in the mood to take on that negative energy.

She has been leaning on the tree for at least ten minutes, burning in the summer heat under the two hoodies she was wearing while biting the flesh under nails. How could she say goodbye? She promised him so many things. They promised _each other_ so many things. It didn’t help that looking into his eyes always pulled the truth out of her. He would give her this look when he thought she was withholding information; his mouth would frown slightly and his eyes would open wide, exposing every sparkling part of his blue irises. Instant TKO.

“I know she’s kind of scary, but she only bites her family.” Katniss looked up and standing in front of her was the oldest Mellark, Rueben. He was much taller than Peeta, but not as built. He had that same ashy blonde hair, but it wasn’t thick like Peeta’s. Even the blue of his eyes seemed duller. The older girls always fawned over Rueben at school, but Katniss could never see the vision. Maybe she was just too busy fantasizing about the youngest to care.

“What?”

“The old hag at the counter.” Katniss rolled her eyes.

“Are you another member in the mommy issues support group?.” A smile crept onto his lips. He liked that she was willing to play ball. He watched her for a moment, trying to place her.

“Everdeen, right?” Katniss nodded. That signature full-bodied Mellark laugh escaped him. “Unbelievable.”

“What?”

“You know what.” Rueben sat on a raised branch from the tree next to where Katniss was leaning on the trunk. He was close to her now, much closer than she wanted him to be.

“I don’t.”

“Don’t act like you don’t know my brother has been chasing you since the first fucking grade.” She felt her cheeks growing hot, her body unable to hide her truth _._

“What are you doing back?” She deflected. Rueben rolled his eyes, visibly annoyed that she wasn’t actually going to verbally spar with him.

“It is summer. I’m home until classes start back up in the fall.” His face fell for a moment before he quickly stashed his emotions away. “I went out of state to escape the bread slave legacy.”

“Yeah, you just left it all on Peeta. But what else is new.”

“So you _are_ ready to admit you’re dating my brother?” _Godammit, Katniss_. This is why she never opens her mouth. Her foot permanently lived there. She sighed, giving in.

“We are not dating. We are friends.”

“Mmmhmmm. Special friends.” He pulled what looked like a cigarette from his pocket and lit it, taking a long drag. His shoulders relaxed as he released the smoke from his chest. He offered it to her.

“I don’t smoke.”

“It’s good. The weed up north is much better than here.” Katniss blushed. It was amazing how sheltered she could be, even living with someone as brazen as Johanna. She shook her head. He took another drag. “I’ve never seen him this happy. He’s like, whistling while he bakes and shit now. It would be annoying if he weren’t so damn cute when he smiles.” Katniss smiled to herself. _I make him happy? It can’t be me. It just can’t be._

“Being free from high school can do that.”

“Cut the shit, Everdeen. You’re good for him. He needs…he needs something good.” The thoughts were beginning to swirl around her. _Could this baby be something good for him?_

Katniss started making circles in the dirt with her feet, unsure what to say. She was suddenly overwhelmed, the idea that she could stay and make this work silencing her.

“He, uh. He’s good for me, too.” He took one final drag before putting it out on the tree.

“I just hope you don’t ruin him. Your family has a thing for fucking with mine.”

“Yeah, well. I’m not my mother.”

“Peeta is 100% our father. He loves too hard. It clouds his judgment.” _This I know to be true._

“Why are you telling me all this?” Rueben shrugged his shoulders as he stood up.

“You’re kind of easy to talk to.” He closed the space between them. He gently tugged on one of the drawstrings of her hoodie. “I need a favor.” Katniss tried to step away, but she had already become one with the trunk, her body pressed to it.

“I don’t know you.”

“I was a terrible brother. Rye was too. Our dad was useless and you already know how _she_ is.” He took a few steps back and Katniss was so thankful for the space. “He never had a chance. To be great, I mean. But even after all the shit that he’s been through…he’s still the best person I have ever met. I don’t want him to lose that part of himself. That good part that skipped the rest of us.”

“I still don’t—“

“Protect him. I need you to protect him. We fucked up and there is nothing I can do to change that. Look, Peeta has loved you basically his whole life. He would come home from school and talk about you. What color ribbon you wore that day or how you got all the questions right on a test. Random bullshit. All his life it’s been you.” Katniss felt like she was going to throw up. The sudden pressure the elder Mellark was placing on her was greater than she could handle.

“It can’t be my job to make up for your mistakes. You can’t ask me to do that.” Katniss’s voice came out quiet. She was starting to drown.

“It isn’t fair. But I am asking you. Take care of him.” Rueben placed his hand on her shoulder and squeezed before turning to walk back to the bakery. He stopped before he reached the door. “One more thing: Don’t break his heart.” And then he was gone.

Katniss bit her lip hard, the metallic taste of blood pooling in her mouth. She was so fucked. She could not wrap her head around any scenario where forcing Peeta to raise a baby with her would make his life better. Rueben was wrong; she was not the glue holding him together.

Katniss took a deep breath, then walked through the glass doors of the bakery. She stood at the counter where Mrs. Mellark was perched like a hawk waiting to catch her prey.

“Hi, Mrs. Mellark.” The woman glared at her. “Is Peeta working today?”

“If you’re here to buy something, I can help you. I am not Peeta’s secretary.” Katniss nodded silently.

“Mom, do we need more lemon bars?” Peeta walked up, a line of flour resting under his right eye. She couldn’t tell if it was butterflies or her baby moving inside her, but she could not believe how much she missed him. “Katniss.”

“I’m just here to buy some bread.” He took off his apron and threw it towards the back.

“I’ll be back. Tell Rye to come down.” Peeta jumped over the counter, took Katniss’s hand, and walked out, ignoring the angry words from his mother. They walked to the meadow and founder their spot under a large tree where the lake was just a few feet away. Katniss rested her head in Peeta’s lap while he stroked her hair. Every now and then she would thoughtlessly rest her hand on her stomach. It was so damn hot and all she wanted to do was strip down and jump into the lake, but her body seemed to be changing by the hour. She wouldn't be able to hide this for much longer.

"I met your brother earlier."

"Which one?"

"Rueben." He scoffed. 

"Did he taunt you? He isn't mean but he is very...he's like a more likable version of my mother."

"He was nice. Overbearing and bossy, but nice." This news made him happy. The relationship he had with his brothers was strange, but he still loved them dearly.

“Are you feeling better?” Peeta kissed her temple. Katniss was so sad she thought she would die.

“Not really. But I’m not contagious anymore.”

“There is nothing worse than being sick in summer.”

“Kiss me.” Katniss sat up and placed her hands on his cheeks. She hoped her baby had his eyes. It was her favorite thing about him.

“Why aren’t you being honest with me?”

“What?”

“Katniss, I know you didn’t have the flu.” She could feel her resolve slipping away. She could tell him. They could have a family together. She could be the wife of a baker and be happy. “You don’t have to lie.”

“I just needed to clear my head. I can’t think straight when you’re around.” She closed her eyes to find a semblance of peace, but Rueben’s words were haunting her. “ _All his life it’s been you. Take care of him_.”

“I’m going to take that as a compliment.” She was craving that closeness to him, their bodies tangled into one. His fingers dancing on her bare skin. She wanted to be engulfed in his flames. “You aren’t ready. It’s ok. What we have…it can stay between us. I don’t need everyone on Facebook or whatever to know. Fuck all of them, I just want you.”

“Kiss me.” And he did. He kissed her until she was breathless and even then, she did not come up for air. Her stomach was doing summersaults and she knew it was more than butterflies. 

“Katniss, you’re crying.”

“Keep kissing me.” He rubbed gentle circles in her cheeks, his eyes searching hers for an answer. She was crumbling, but, per usual, he was holding her together. It was painfully evident that she needed him more than he needed her. How long before he got sick of catching extra abuse from his mother for spending time with her? At what point would he begin to resent her for being another person that stole his opportunity to make something of himself? How could she ever ask him to take care of a baby that came from such a train wreck?

“I made you something.” Katniss was curled into his lap like a child, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck as she rested her head into the spot where his neck and shoulder met; that place that felt like it was made just for her. "Permission to disengage?" Katniss laughed as she wiped a residual tear from her cheek. She reluctantly unraveled herself from the safety of his body and watched as he ran pulled something from his bag. He placed a green book in her lap. On the cover in bright sparkling gold letters was “The Book of Katniss.” She flipped through it and felt her pulse picking up speed. There were pictures of her and her family. Photos of her and her father that she had never seen before.

“I wanted you to have something to remind you of 12-Ward while you’re away. Of all the love you have here. Jo helped me with it. I hope you don’t mind.” It was at this moment that she decided. She loved him too much to ruin his life. The only way she could show how much she loved him was to walk away. She didn’t deserve this type of love. She wasn’t worthy of this kind of devotion. It was suffocating her because she knew she could never match it.

Katniss stood up, the book still in her arms, and walked away. She could hear Peeta struggle to stand up and follow her.

“Katniss. Katniss!” She kept walking. If she looked at him she knew she would crack. She needed a few days to center herself. _Right before we leave. I’ll be ready to let go._ It was a lie. She would never be ready to let him go.

She pressed the book tighter to her chest, her body trying to soak every ounce of his love from the pages.

* * *

**Two Months Gone**

“I feel like you picked an apartment on the third floor just to spite me.” Katniss panted as she finally reached the top of the steps.

“I wanted a view.” Johanna placed the grocery bags on the floor as she searched for her keys. Katniss slipped her backpack from her shoulders, leaning on the wall to rest. She rested her hand on her swollen stomach and smiled at the small ripple that floated across her palm.

“Hey you.” She whispered. The doctor wasn’t kidding when she said she would pop overnight. Katniss couldn’t shut up about how happy she was about not being noticeably pregnant. Her baby was clearly petty because she woke up one morning unable to see her toes. And he just kept on growing.

“Need help?” Katniss looked up. The groceries were inside now. It was just Johanna leaning on the doorframe watching Katniss with a small smile on her lips.

“Probably.” Johanna took Katniss’s arms and pulled her forward from the wall. “Thanks.” She started to bend over for her bag but Johanna beat her to it.

“Stop it. You keep overdoing it. If you keep disrupting his peace, I will turn pumpkin against you the moment he comes out.” Katniss rolled her eyes as she followed Johanna inside. The pregnancy was harder than Katniss imagined. Her feet were _so_ swollen that it was hard for her to move around comfortably sometimes. She was so tired. She managed to enroll in a summer semester to get a head start on her coursework, but she could barely get her mind to focus for more than an hour. The baby was always moving, but she didn’t mind that part.

Katniss threw her body onto the couch and pulled her legs underneath her. She pulled a notebook from her bag and flipped to a page. “Baby Names” was written at the very top. The rest was blank.

“Pumpkin could be a good name, yeah?” Katniss said into the ether. Johanna poked her head from the kitchen and glared at her. “What? That’s what you call him!”

“Yeah, as a nickname. It’s like you want the kid to get bullied on the playground.”

“I can’t think of anything! I’m not good at this stuff. Peeta would—” The sound of his name in the air sucked the words from her chest. Her heart was starting to beat rapidly, the air refusing the flow through her lungs. Thinking about Peeta would cause the volcano of loneliness inside her to erupt. She left him without a true goodbye and she regretted it so much. She thought it would be easier this way, but when she saw the ashy blonde waves of his hair from the storefront window as they drove by the bakery on their way out of town, she lost it. Johanna had to pull onto the side of the road and keep Katniss from jumping out the moving car.

“Katniss.” Johanna was kneeling before her now.

“I really fucked up, didn’t I?”

“No. You didn’t. You are going to have this baby and when you’re ready, you will tell Peeta. It’s that simple. I know this is hard, but this is what you wanted, so we stick it out.”

“He’s going to hate me.”

“Don’t build a bridge when you don’t need to get to the other side. Let’s get the kid out of you first.” Katniss nodded and wiped the tears from her eyes. Her emotions were on a consistent cycle of terrified to incredibly sad to excited. She never wanted kids but loving Peeta forced her to reimagine everything she thought she knew. It was difficult for her to admit, but she held so much love in her heart and withholding it was doing more damage than good. These days it felt like she was clueless. But the one thing she knew was that loving Peeta Mellark was the best thing that ever happened to her and she would do everything in her power to keep his baby safe.

“What about…sourdough? Keeping the Mellark bread theme alive?” Johanna stood up and walked back to the kitchen.

“Your baby naming privileges are officially revoked.”

* * *

“You sure you don’t want a ride?” Johanna was packing her bag in the living room, preparing for her day. Katniss was sitting at the table finishing up a paper that she needed to turn in by noon.

“I’m just now finishing it. I don’t need you rushing me more than I already am.”

“You’re snippy this morning.”

“I’ve been nauseous for three days straight and my back fucking hurts. You’d be snippy too.” Johanna stood up straight, hands on her hips, and glare in her eyes. She hated when Katniss snapped at her.

“I cannot believe you wasted your free pass so early in the day.” Johanna agreed to accept one “I’m pregnant and cannot control my emotions” moment per day. This usually resulted in Katniss hiding out in her room for a few hours to avoid setting Jo off.

Katniss got up from her chair and walked to Johanna. She was trying to hide the grimace on her face, but her back was truly killing her.

“Why don’t you just turn the stupid paper in online?” The glare on Johanna’s face shifted to worry.

“I don’t get to go on campus much. Might as well get the lay of the land before I’m shut up in here like Rapunzel.”

“Sure. We can pretend that it isn’t the crush you have on your professor.” Katniss rolled her eyes. Jo wanted Katniss to get over Peeta so badly, but it just was not possible. A lifelong reminder of him was fermenting inside her for fuck's sake. “One last thing. Your mom called again.”

“She didn’t call me.” Katniss walked to the printer to grab her essay. Anything to keep her from having to look at the disappointment in her cousin’s eyes.

“She calls me because _you_ won’t pick up when she calls your phone.” Katniss shrugged. “She’s worried about you. And pretty hurt that you left without saying goodbye.”

“She can get in line on that one.”

“Katniss. I know your mom hasn’t been the best support system, but she’s your _mom_.”

“I didn’t need her then and I definitely don’t need her now.”

“I want you to remember those words when you’re put in her shoes. Raising humans is fucking hard. We are all just doing our best.” Katniss was clenching the essay in her hands, the paper now wrinkled and ruined. She looked up and met Johanna’s confused eyes.

“How did she sound?”

“Steady. All she does is ask about you.” She didn’t want to get her hopes up. On the worst days, her mother would ask about Prim and her father. Her mind would work overtime to create a world where her family was still together. Katniss handled it well for a while, but things were continuing to get worse. She would lash out at Katniss and say horrible things. Crumble in front of her when she realized Katniss was all she had left. The worst pain was when her mother started to forget. The last time Katniss went to see her, she just stared at her as if she were a stranger she may have seen before. A familiar face in a coffee shop that she couldn’t quite place.

Katniss shook her head. She couldn’t deal with her mommy issues right now. She was pregnant and heartbroken and drained from working on this essay since 4 am.

“Now we’re both going to be late. Come on.” Katniss placed the essay into her binder and stuffed it into her bag.

“I’m sorry.” Jo pulled her into a hug and Katniss relaxed into her arms. When they broke the embrace, Johanna placed her hand on the bottom of Katniss’s stomach. “Bye-bye, Pumpkin.” She cooed to her belly. They both stood still for a moment, waiting but it never came. “Your bitchiness is contagious.”

Katniss smiled. Jo’s excitement over the baby shocked them both. Johanna was never too keen on having kids of her own, but she was so hands-on with Katniss. She took the lead on preparing the nursery and reading every possible baby book there was to read. Katniss was so thankful to have her because she made her believe she could do this. She could be a mom and make Prim proud. She could find a way to bring Peeta in and be a real family. She could fix the painful cycle their family created.

“He’s hiding from both of us. He’s been quiet for me, too.”

“Well, we have a doctor’s appointment later so we are seeing you whether you like it or not!” Johanna joked to the pumpkin in her tummy.

“ _We_?”

“We are a packaged deal, brainless. Come on.”

* * *

It was so hot today. The east coast air was sticking to her skin, the beads of sweat trickling down her back making being outside unbearable. The air was so thick that she felt like she couldn’t breathe. She had to turn this paper to her professor before noon and she was cutting it close. Her phone rang as she walked inside the humanities building.

“Hey, can I call you back?” Katniss was breathing heavily as she ascended the stairs to the third floor.

“Last time you said that you didn’t call back.” Gale’s voice on the other side of the line brought a smile to her face. She missed him.

“My brain isn’t firing on all cylinders these days.”

“A fully functioning Katniss would never skip town without saying goodbye, so I’d say you are right about that one.” Katniss was standing outside her professor’s office now, other students rushing past her to turn their assignments in.

“I have to turn in this assignment in the next like sixty seconds.”

“Why won’t you talk to me, Katniss?”

“Gale, I promise I will call you back. We can talk about everything and then you won’t hate me anymore. Pinky promise.”

“Are you running a marathon? Why are you breathing so heavy?” _I’m so pregnant and it feels like the kid is sitting on my lungs._

“Just climbed a bunch of stairs. Hey, I will call. Ok?”

“I’ll be waiting.” Katniss took a moment after hanging up to compose herself. She wanted to tell Gale everything. About her relationship with Peeta and why she ran. He would silently judge her, but he’d never shame her to her face. She missed his support. She made a mental note to call him back and fill him in. He was the only person in the world she trusted besides Jo.

“Hi, professor.” Katniss walked into the office and up to her professor’s desk. He looked up and smiled, his signature gold eyeliner sparkling as the sun glimmered over his brown skin.

“Katniss. What did I tell you?” She chuckled.

“Sorry. _Cinna_.”

“Thank you. Professor makes me feel old and like I hold power over my students.”

“Technically you do.” Katniss retorted with a smile. Cinna rolled his eyes. He felt more like a confidant than a professor. He was the only professor she has had that didn’t look at her with pity. No one thought she could do this, but Cinna believed in her. She could turn her assignments in online, but she liked coming in for office hours and talking to him. They would talk about literature and writing. About life and the future. He was the therapist she never had.

“Well, I definitely do not hold any power over you, Ms. Everdeen. I can’t imagine anyone could.” _If only you knew_.

“Well, here is my final.” A sadness came over her as she placed the thick multi-page assignment on his desk.

“I guess this is it?”

“Don’t worry, I enrolled in your Greek mythology in literature course. My torturous reign shall continue.” They shared a laugh. Cinna looked her up and down.

“How’s that oven cookin’?” Her hand was resting on her stomach, a habit that happened without her permission.

“He’s good. Causing me some trouble these last few days. He's been playing hide and seek.”

“I’m sure kicking you all day gets exhausting.”

“I don’t mind it. Reminds me of his dad.” Cinna raised his eyebrows at her. Katniss slipped up and spilled her heart to him during a 1:1 a couple of weeks back. He was kind and rubbed her back while she cried about the mess she made. Since then, she stopped talking about her baby daddy with him. She would run a marathon in heels if it meant skating around talking about Peeta. But she was sad today. She always missed him but today she _really_ missed him. 

“Yeah?” She nodded.

“He’s probably forgotten about me already. Which is good. It’s better this way.” Cinna opened his mouth to speak, but only silence followed. His face spoke for him. _How could anyone ever forget about Katniss Everdeen?_

He changed the subject. “You balancing coursework all right?” She nodded.

“It’s a good distraction and keeping me focused. If I wasn’t working I’d just be stressing about everything happening back home.”

“You wanna talk about it?” Katniss lowered herself into a chair and rolled over to sit next to him.

“I don’t know if I did the right thing. My cousin once told me that my mother never knew how to love with distance, and that’s why losing my dad and sister took such a toll on her. She was too dependent. She couldn’t love me the way she loved them because she wouldn’t survive it.”

“Mmm. Well. Why should that decide how you love?”

“What?”

“You are the master of your own life. You love how you want to love. Never let the way someone loved you dictate how _you_ love.” Katniss let his words settle for a moment. She did use her mother’s distance and frail mind as an excuse to reinforce the steel walls around her heart. But walls conceal, not destroy. Johanna. Gale. Peeta. Her baby. No matter how hard she tried to disguise it, she needed them. When she shut down and tried to push them away, they just loved her harder.

Why was she punishing herself like this?

“Did I just break your brain?” Cinna’s laugh snatched her from her thoughts.

“Maybe. Ok, yes. You just broke my brain.”

“You deserve to be happy, Katniss. Don’t keep yourself from it. Life is short. We might as well love hard and love loudly while we can.”

“I’m not very good at it.”

“Bullshit.” Katniss gave him a smile. He was always right.

“I’m going to miss you.”

“Well, I have a nice stack of books if you want something to do for the next few weeks until the semester starts.”

“By all means.”

“Drop by tomorrow. I’ll have your care package ready.” He stood up, walked around the desk, and extended his hand for a shake. Katniss pushed his hand away and pulled him in for. a hug. “No need to miss me. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Ok, that’s enough. Once the pregnant tears start, I can’t make it stop.” He pulled away and gave her shoulders one last squeeze. “I gotta go. I have a doctor's appointment.”

“Katniss. I’m betting on you. You got this.” She gave Cinna a wave before walking out the door.

* * *

“You sure you don’t want me to come in? I don’t mind.” Johanna asked as she bounced in the seat next to her. Katniss was distracted by the environment: overwhelmed mothers trying to wrangle their kids, pregnant women squeezing the arms of their partners, young girls terrified of the news waiting on the other side of the door.

“I can handle it.”

“Let me rephrase; I want to come in with you.”

“Since you asked nicely, you may accompany me inside.”

“Shut up.” Johanna tried to pout, but the smirk on her face revealed her excitement. “Hearing the heartbeat is my favorite part.”

“Yeah. Mine, too.” Katniss rested her on Johanna’s shoulder as she tried to find the strength to speak the decision that has been swirling in her head since leaving Cinna’s office. “I’m going to call him.”

“Hmm?”

“Peeta.” Johanna shifted to face Katniss, forcing her to remove her head from the safety of her shoulder.

“You want to call Peeta?” She nodded. “Call him and say…”

“I want him with me. I _need_ him with me.” She bit her lip as she rubbed small circles around her belly. “We could have it all, right?” Johanna gave her a small smile.

“You can sure as hell try.” Johanna placed her hand on top of Katniss’s. “Break the cycle?”

“Break the cycle.”

“Everdeen?” A nurse walked out the back, her clipboard held in front of her. Johanna jumped up and helped Katniss to her feet. Once inside the room, Katniss laid herself on the table, the paper crunching beneath her.

“You feeling better than this morning?” Johanna asked as she settled into her seat.

“I still don’t feel great.”

“I’m just glad he decided to cause trouble right when you had this check-up scheduled. You are starting to worry me. More than usual.”

“Relax, Jo. Pregnancy is ugly. I am learning that this is rarely an enjoyable experience.”

Two knocks on the door and Dr. Bailey entered the room. She was a kind woman with soft brown eyes and even softer hands. She had a way of explaining things in a way that Katniss could understand. She would never forget the genuine smile on Dr. Bailey’s face when Katniss reacted to hearing the baby’s heartbeat for the first time. She genuinely cared.

“How are we feeling today?” Dr. Bailey asked as she pumped hand sanitizer into her hands.

“She’s been feeling sick the last few days.” Johanna nearly shouted. Katniss rolled her eyes. “Sorry. Go ahead, Katniss.”

“I’ve been nauseous for a couple of days now. And my back has been killing me.”

“I can see your feet are still pretty swollen.”

“I turned in my last assignment today so I won’t be running around campus like I have been.”

“Good. You need to be taking it easy. Your symptoms, though annoying, are not uncommon at this point. I wouldn’t be too worried. You ready to see him?”

“Always.” Katniss felt giddy as the cool gel was spread across her stomach. “You wouldn’t happen to be good at baby names, would you? Johanna and I keep arguing about it. I just can’t think of anything good.” The room was quiet as Katniss rambled on. “Maybe I don’t need to name him right away? Bread Baby could work until I find the right one. Oh my god, I can make Peeta come up with names. He’s going to be so excited. _I’m_ so excited. He can paint the nursery and do all the other shit neither of us wants to do. Right, Jo?” Katniss turned to look at Johanna. Her face was clouded with devastation. It took a moment for the silence of the room to settle in.

Katniss turned over to see a similar sadness on Dr. Bailey’s face.

“What?” _Why is it so quiet? Where is the—_ “Heartbeat.” The realization left her lips in a gasp. She was met with more silence. Nothing was making any sense. Her baby was on the monitor, she could _see_ him. But there was no sound. Had she suddenly gone deaf?

“Katniss.” Dr. Bailey’s voice was low and calculated. “I am so sorry.”

“Sorry for _what_?” The room was suddenly spinning and the air was fighting her lungs. This was all wrong. “He’s just sleeping. Right?”

“Katniss.” Johanna had tears falling down her face, but she was visibly choking the sobs down to her chest. “Listen to Dr. Bailey.” She couldn’t listen. All sound in the room suddenly washed away.

"Sometimes these things happen. It is so rare to lose a baby this far along, but it is possible. There are--"

Katniss shut her eyes tight, transporting her to a safe place. A place where Peeta was beside her singing loudly and out of tune to her belly, their son swaying and kicking to the sounds.

A place where her baby was still a reality.

* * *

**Six Months Gone**

Katniss attempted to quiet her bouncing legs, but her mind was just as restless. The waiting area of the rehab center was quiet, filled with soft couches and tables for board games, and TVs that were turned off. There were a few people in the space. Families taking advantage of the allotted hour of visitation.

The second semester was in full swing when Katniss walked out of Cinna’s class in the middle of a lecture, walked back to her apartment, packed a bag, and bought a flight. She didn’t loop Johanna in until she was boarding the plane. She needed to see her mother. The pain enveloping her was one only a mother’s love could heal.

“Katniss?” The sound of her mother’s voice sent a chill down her spine. She was overwhelmed _need_. Her mother sat on the other side of the table. She was dressed in a sweater and jeans. Her eyes weren’t as cloudy as she remembered, but still drowning in sadness. Katniss’s eyes carried that same look now.

“Hey, mom.”

“It’s been a while.”

“Yeah, well. The last few visits were rough. Guess I didn’t want to waste the gas.”

“Oh, Katniss. I didn’t mean it. I was in…in a place.”

“Yeah.” Katniss's hands rested on her stomach for a moment, but she quickly crossed her arms in front of her chest. A few months had passed, but she was having a hard time getting adjusted to the flatness of her stomach.

“You don’t look so good.” Katniss shrugged. How could she not?

They sat in silence for a moment. Katniss wasn’t sure where to look. Seeing her mother’s face worn out from years of never-ending grief was threatening to send her to an adjacent room in the facility.

“Katniss. I know…I know I was a terrible mother. Well, _am_ — “

“No. You are sick. It’s different.”

“No. I should have been there for you. I should have been stronger. I wish I could have fought it. I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Does it feel like there is a ten-pound weight on your chest and sand in your brain?” Katniss’s voice was quiet and quivering. She felt the tears blinding her vision, ready to flow down her burning cheeks. Her mother’s eyes widened. She nailed it.

“What happened?” Katniss wiped the tears from her eyes, but fresh ones landed the moment she cleared the old ones away.

“I just wanted to apologize. For not understanding. I am so sorry for hating you. I get it now. I _understand_.” Her mother reached her hands across the table and Katniss grabbed them. “I cannot get the sound of his heartbeat out my head. And Peeta is just fifty miles away—“

“Peeta? Mellark?”

“I could just tell him and I wouldn’t have to feel guilty anymore, right?” Katniss watched as the realization spread across her mother’s eyes.

“Oh, _Katniss_.” Her walls had officially crumbled. The truth poured out of her at lightning speed.

“I was so scared but I knew I could do it. Peeta could be the brilliant man he’s supposed to be and I could take care of the baby. And eventually, get my degree and figure my shit out. And you could get better and be the grandma that you always wanted to be. You could give him all the love you weren’t able to give to me. I thought I could fix this family curse. I needed to fix it.” Katniss felt her mother’s grip loosen, but she squeezed tighter. She hadn’t allowed herself to need her mother like this in years.

“I feel like I haven’t taken a real breath since I lost him.” Her mother’s eyes were suddenly distant. She was leaving her. “Mom.”

As much as it pained her, Katniss was coming to terms with the fact that she would never heal this wound. She spent her life mending her own wounds, but this one was too deep. Losing her baby—losing _his_ baby—was too much. That baby was her hope. Just like her father was her hope. And Prim. And Peeta. They all left her.

“I think I should go lay down.” Her mother slowly lifted herself from her seat. She looked as if she would crumble under her own body weight.

“Mom.” Katniss jumped from her spot and pulled her mother into her arms. This hug felt like tine last and Katniss savored the safety she felt, even if it were unstable.

“Katniss?” She pulled away and felt the last functioning parts of her heart shatter at the confusion in her mother’s eyes. “My beautiful girl. Look at you.” She was suddenly 12 again, waiting for her mother to finish her daily ritual before sending her and Prim off to school. “You look just like him.”

“I can’t do this on my own.” Her mother’s hands were trembling. She wasn’t going to last much longer. “I need you.”

“You are an Everdeen. There isn’t anything in the world that you cannot do.” She pressed a soft kiss to Katniss’s cheek and granted her a smile. There was no life in it. Her mother lost that long ago. “Now hurry up before your father leaves you and you have to walk to school.”

“I don’t want to leave you. Not yet.”

“Don’t be so dramatic. I’ll be right here waiting for you when you get home. I promise.” Katniss stood there as her mother walked away, her figure disappearing as she turned a corner. She could still feel the warmth of her trembling hand on her cheek. Katniss had to shove the devastation into a box inside herself. It would consume her if she let it fester. She didn’t have much to live for at this point, but it all had to mean something. All this pain. All this loss. It had to mean _something_.

She would make it mean something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on tumblr. char-thelove.
> 
> Thank you for your patience and your dedication. Resolutions are coming!
> 
> Please stay safe out there. Try to rest if and when you can. 
> 
> <3


	8. All In

“Peeta!” Posy and Terry, another boy living in the house, ran into Peeta's legs and held on tight. He bent down and pulled each child into his arm and spun them around, both giggling loudly.

“Peeta! I’m gonna be dizzy!” Terry cried. He let them down and the kids regained their footing.

“Do you think Katniss will let us hang our paintings in the hallway again?” Posy looked at him with those stunning grey eyes and he felt his heart skip a beat. She was such a gentle thing and so sweet. Peeta often thought about fostering her himself, but he knew it was a selfish thing to do. She deserved a family that was whole and could provide her with a more stable and loving home. He knew her time was coming. She’s had three playdates with potential foster parents in the last few weeks.

“Hmmm. What do we do with all your other paintings?” Posy and Terry looked at each other, carefully considering the question. As if a lightbulb went off, Terry’s hand shot up. “Go for it, Terry.”

“She always hangs them in the hallway!”

“Exactly.” The kids squealed, overwhelmed with excitement.

“Let’s go tell everyone!” Terry ran out of the room but Posy didn’t follow him. She watched Peeta for a moment, those charcoal eyes searching for something.

“Peeta, are you sad?” He was taken aback. Posy was always very astute, and she was always very vocal about her realizations, but Peeta wasn’t ready for this one.

“Now what makes you think that I’m sad?” She shrugged her shoulders.

“My daddy used to get sad.” Posy rarely talked about her father or life before coming to the house. Gale mentioned that after her first month here, she made him promise to never ask about her dad. Peeta could feel his back begin to become slick with sweat, unsure how to navigate this situation.

He kneeled before her and smiled.

“How could anyone be sad when they have a friend like you?” He tickled her tummy and she erupted into those giggles that never failed to warm his heart. It didn’t take long for the frown she was sporting moments ago to return.

“I think Katniss is sad, too. Are you making each other sad?” Peeta sighed. He was officially stumped. “You both always watch each other and think no one notices. And sometimes I hear her and Gale argue about you.” _You'd think by now we would realize we really suck at hiding our relationship._

“It’s complicated, Zee. I don’t really understand it either.”

“I don’t like it. When people are sad, they leave forever.” Peeta opened his arms and Posy crashed into his chest, her small arms wrapping around him and squeezing. 

“Grownups are foolish, Posy. We’re trying to figure it out. All you need to know is that seeing you every week makes me very happy.”

“Promise?”

“Pinky promise.” The cloud on her face parted to reveal her smile. “I have to get going. I’ll come up and say bye to everyone in a minute.”

“Are we gonna bake next time you come?”

“Absolutely.” She squealed and started jumping up and down and all around him. Peeta felt like his heart was on the verge of bursting.

“I’m so excited. I can’t wait!” She plated a soft kiss on his cheek and bounced away.

Peeta stood up and sighed. He was 28, which in the grand scheme of things was not that old, but he felt…empty. He wanted a family, always had. No matter how many girls he dated, none of them felt…right. Sometimes, he could look into Katniss’s eyes and see their kids. He never had that with anyone else.

Peeta checked his phone suddenly overcome with dread. He was going to be late for the council meeting. The frequency of their meetings had increased over the last couple of weeks as the deadline for the economic reform bill was vast approaching. His patience was just about gone and he hadn’t gotten a real night of sleep in forever.

Peeta Mellark was in desperate need of something good.

He gathered his things from Katniss’s office and mentally prepared himself to say goodbye to the rest of the kids. It was always at least 20 minutes for him to explain why he couldn’t come back every day. As he turned to leave he was face to face with a hauntingly familiar face.

“Fuck!” She shouted, clearly spooked. “Sorry.”

 _Johanna_.

“Jo?” She was clearly frazzled but did her best to quickly regain her composure, blowing her signature short hair out her face.

“Peeta! Long time no see.” They stood still for a moment, each waiting for the other to make the move. “For fuck's sake, quit being weird and give me a hug.” She pulled him in and held him tight. His heart was suddenly tight. He never realized how much he had missed her.

“How are you? What are you doing here?” He could tell she was forming a lie in her head, but she released it with a sigh. There was no point.

“Why do you think?” _Katniss_. “I thought I would check here before breaking into her apartment. But she isn’t here.”

“I wouldn’t know where she is,” Peeta replied, a little edge in his voice.

“When was the last time you saw her?”

“Last week. I only see her when I come here on Fridays.” Johanna squinted her eyes at him, dissecting what parts of his statement were fiction.

“Ok. I better go find her, then.” She turned to leave but Peeta reached out and held her wrist.

“Wait.” Peeta released his grip and waited for her to meet his eyes. “I…It’s just…It’s good to see you.” She smiled softly.

“It’s good to see you, too.”

“I never got to say goodbye.”

“Peeta…”

“I know. I know. I’ll leave it alone.” The years have been good to Johanna. Her bright eyes were still inviting and her skin was comfortably tan as if it was constantly greeted by the sun. “Where are you these days?”

“Georgia of all places. It’s so damn hot all the time! But I met someone…So we’re trying to settle there.”

“Jo, that’s amazing—” The words died in his throat when he finished his scan of her. It wasn’t big, but the small bump at her stomach was noticeable enough. “You’re pregnant?” She nodded.

“Would you believe me if I said this was my second?”

“No way in hell.” They laughed. “This is amazing. Wow. Congratulations!” The smile on her lips couldn’t hide the sadness in her eyes.

“Have you talked to Katniss?”

“We talk.”

“No. Have you _talked_ to her?” What was it with that family and talking in riddles? His silence seemed to be the only answer she needed. “Goddammit, Katniss.” Peeta checked the time on his phone. He should have left fifteen minutes ago.

“I have a meeting I need to get to.”

“Peeta, before you go. I just…Fuck.” She turned away from him, her hand resting on her back as she gathered her thoughts. She faced him again, her eyes suddenly determined. “Katniss is an idiot. A brainless idiot. Always has been. She has a big ass heart but has no idea how to use it. None of this is making sense, is it?”

He shrugged. “Kinda?”

“She needs to talk to you. That’s what I am saying. She’s scared to talk to you. But just know that she loves you. She loves you in the only way Katniss can. Just…be gentle with her, OK?” Peeta nodded, still confused about what was happening. She opened her arms and held him tight. “I’m proud of you, Peeta.” He was overwhelmed by his desire to never let Johanna go. In their short time together, she looked after Peeta. It was in this moment that he realized in mourning Katniss, he was mourning the loss of Johanna, too.

“If you have time while you’re in town, let me buy you dinner.” He said as they broke their embrace.

“You sure you want to do that? I’m a hungry ass hippo these days.”

“Compliments of 12-Ward.” They shared a laugh that felt so natural. It was as if ten years hadn’t gone by. “I gotta go.” Peeta gave her shoulder a quick squeeze on his way to the door.

“Peeta?” He turned around.

“Yeah?”

“You talk to Katniss and we can get that dinner. But not before then. Deal?” Johanna was so adamant about his talking to Katniss and he was starting to get nervous.

“It’s not like I am avoiding her. She keeps running away.” Johanna had more words on her tongue but Peeta was out the door before she got the chance.

* * *

“Mayor Mellark?” Peeta sat up straight, his pen falling from his hands and bouncing off the table and to the floor.

“Yes?” Peeta was doing his best to seem engaged, but his cabinet was staring at him as if they all knew his mind was everywhere but here.

“We just want to make sure that April 10th works as the day for the council to vote on the economic reform bill?” Plutarch Heavensbee was watching Peeta intently as if he were two seconds away from completely losing his mind. He was, but the council didn’t need to know that.

“You tell me. Will we have a unanimous decision in two weeks?” Plutarch ran his hand down his face and sighed. The entire council looked exhausted. The bill was wearing everyone thin. Peeta had his vision for the legislation and he wasn’t willing to accept anything less than a unanimous agreement. 

“Mayor, I can assure you that everyone on the council is working very hard to— “

“I need you all to work _harder_. I’m not here to look cute. I am here to change _lives_. We should all have that mission. What isn’t clicking?” Peeta didn’t mean to snap, but it genuinely puzzled him. The circles the council was willing to run through to avoid making any real impact on the people struggling in 12-Ward. Haymitch was constantly reminding Peeta that he cannot take any of this personal, but it was.

“Mayor Mellark.” The hatred that Councilman Snow managed to weave into the syllables of Peeta’s name never failed to irk him.

“If you don’t have anything productive to add, please save the air.” Peeta held up his hand to silence Snow. This did not go over well.

“Look here, _boy_ , I have been doing this since you needed someone to wipe your ass. Have some respect!”

“Respect is earned, Councilman. All you do is sit here and usurp this council into voting your way. You do not care about 12-Ward. You want power. You want my job so bad? Come take it!” Peeta was standing now, the fury surging through his body was now filling the room. Everyone was silent, completely shocked at Peeta’s behavior. He was always demure and level headed. He didn’t get angry or lose control. At least not in front of anyone.

Snow released a low grumble which turned into a full-blown cackle. He pushed his chair back from the table and walked towards Peeta. Snow got so close that Peeta could smell the tuna from his lunch on his breath.

“When I want your job, I will have it.”

“Everyone put your dick away, the measurement contest has ended.” Haymitch pulled Peeta away from Snow and stood between them. “I think we’re done for the day.”

As the council cleared out, Snow maneuvered out of Haymitch’s grasp and moved back towards Peeta.

“I wouldn’t make an enemy out of me. This was my city long before your parents realized you were a mistake, and it will remain that way. I am _always_ watching. Good day _mayor_.” Snow left the room before Haymitch could cuss him out. Peeta moved to the wall and slid to his knees, the back of his head resting on the wall. Haymitch squatted in front of him. He was one of the few people that could spot an episode, and after that familial dig, he knew one could be around the corner.

“What happened, kid?” Haymitch’s voice was soft and wrapped in concern. This tone was reserved for special breakdowns like this.

“I am so sick of him cock blocking my legislation. He’s such a power-hungry fuck. This was long overdue.”

“I hear you. I’ve been working with him for years and he manages to get more insufferable as time goes on. You can’t let someone like that get into your head. That’s how they win. By planting the doubt.” Peeta took deep even breaths as he pressed his thumbs to his temple. He wasn’t slipping into an episode, he was just…sad.

“I can take a lot of shit. But…Haymitch, that really hurt.” Haymitch’s face softened.

“Think about it this way; you are about to pass the biggest piece of legislation 12-Ward has ever seen. Anyone who tries to deny that achievement is an asshole. And any parent should be honored to have you as a son.” Haymitch offered his hand and Peeta took it, happy to have the help in getting up from the floor.

“Thanks, Haymitch.” He was hard on Peeta, but it was evident he cared about him. His stern nature never bordered on abusive, mainly disappointment when Peeta did something that kept him from reaching his true potential. Much different from his mother who didn’t think he had potential at all.

They walked down the long corridor to Peeta’s office. Peeta walked circles around the office to keep his mind moving. He hated sitting down at the big old wooden desk. Being cooped up in this office always unnerved him.

“Are we going to debrief or what?” Peeta asked. Haymitch was leaning on the desk, watching him.

“What is your plan, Peeta?” The softness of his voice was gone now. Back to business as usual.

“My plan?”

“Your plan. Your plan for the future.”

“I’m not following, Haymitch.”

“Do you want to run?”

“I mean, I hate running but it’s the only exercise I can fit into my schedule so I deal with it.”

“Not jogging you idiot. Run for reelection.” Peeta stopped pacing.

“We’re so far out from that.”

“The election is next fall.” _Fuck_. _How is it already election season?_ The truth is, Peeta didn’t want to run. He loved the job, but he wasn’t cut out for it. The hours and appearances and the _pressure_. It took him so many years to feel confident about himself, but the moment he became mayor, he had to create a new persona. It was exhausting.

“I haven’t really thought about it.”

“Bullshit. I know for a fact that Nina probably has a campaign plan ready to go.” Peeta felt the redness spread across his cheeks.

 _Nina_.

Haymitch caught the look in Peeta’s eyes. “What the fuck did you do?”

“We aren’t exactly talking right now. Which is on me. Things have just gotten a little crazy.”

“You don’t let a woman like that get away. Especially when she’s your ticket to the big leagues.”

“Haymitch I—“

“She can take you all the way.”

“I hear you, but—“

“Governor’s office. Then the Senate.”

“Listen—“

“Hell, maybe even the White Ho—“

“I want out!” Peeta didn’t mean to yell, but Haymitch had him cornered.

“You are an even bigger idiot than I thought.”

“I am so unhappy. I can’t…I can’t stay like this. Passing this bill will be my legacy. I don’t need any more than that.”

“Wake up, Peeta! There is no getting off this train. You don’t stop being the mayor. You will always be in the press. There will always be expectations on your shoulders. People are always going to look to you for hope. There is no walking away from this. You might as well have some power while dealing with the bullshit.”

The reality of Haymitch’s words sat on Peeta’s chest. He was right. There was no going back to being a baker and a quiet life. It was always going to be a mess. And the worst part about all of this, was how he couldn’t stop thinking about how it would keep him from being with Katniss. There were a million reasons for him to not be with her, literally a _million_. But him being mayor was basically a nonstarter. She could never be the first lady or have these kinds of restrictions on her life. She loved him, but not that much.

“Sorry, kid. This is what it is.” Haymitch patted him on the shoulder before heading for the door. Before walking out he turned back around. “Oh, and whatever you fucked up with Nina, fix it.”

* * *

“Johanna, please stop touching my stuff.” Katniss had been chasing Johanna around her apartment for nearly an hour now. She kept touching and moving things around, attempting to clean her messy apartment. It was what she did when she was anxious. The same nervous habit her mother used to have.“I won’t be able to find anything.”

“How have you not grown out of being messy yet? You’re almost 30.” Johanna closed her closet door and faced Katniss.

“Jo, you just stormed into my apartment and started touching shit. Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

“You called me crying. You thought I wasn’t going to come?” After the town hall fiasco and her subsequent breakdown, she called Johanna. She barely got any words out, she just cried on the phone for thirty minutes while Johanna tried to calm her down.

“You shouldn’t be traveling. You have enough to worry about.” Johanna rolled her eyes, but a soft smile replaced it shortly after. During her first pregnancy, Katniss would hoover and give unwarranted advice and worry. She was so worried all the time. It annoyed Johanna to no end, but she allowed Katniss to do it. She knew she needed it.

“Katniss. When you need me, I come running.”

“You have Zahir and Alani now. It isn’t your job to worry about me anymore.” Johanna placed her hands on Katniss’s face, her eyes burning hot into her own.

“You are my family. You are my everything. We take care of each other. Period. Besides, Alani needs a somewhat stable God mommy.” Katniss laughed and nodded. “I love you. Say it back.”

“I love you.” Jo took one of Katniss’s hands and placed it on the bottom of her stomach. The kick that touched her palm was fierce, and the familiar feeling made the pounding of her heart intensify. Katniss was constantly torn between excitement and sadness when it came to kids now. She was so traumatized from her own pregnancy that it was hard for her to be excited for Jo at times. She didn’t want her to experience the pain that she did. No one should have to lose their light the way she did. You never truly get it back.

“Can you please sit down and let me take care of you for a second?” Jo nodded and laid herself into the reading nook.

“Water please. Two partially melted ice cubes.”

“Oh fuck off.” Katniss went to the kitchen and rested her head on the fridge for a moment. She was still recovering from her emotional breakdown a few days ago, drowning under the immense guilt she felt. She wiped away the few tears threatening to turn into a full-blown storm, grabbed the water and went back to Johanna.

“Thank you. Sit.” Jo made room for Katniss to shimmy onto the other side of the nook. She pulled her legs to her chest and rested her head on her knees. “I ran into Peeta at the house.”

 _Fucking fantastic. Just fucking amazing._ “I guess it is Friday.”

“He looks good. _Really_ good. But he also looks like shit. You know anything about that?” Katniss started to weave a web of lies but stopped when she looked into Johanna’s eyes. She had the annoying ability to see through any and all bullshit.

“We had an... altercation. We have been getting closer over the last few months but he won’t lay off about wanting to know why I left. I’m cut off until I come clean.”

“So come clean.” Johanna took a long sip of her water, her eyes never leaving Katniss.

“You are so fucking intimidating. Can you chill?”

“No. Katniss, it’s been ten years. You still love him. You do not have to torture yourself like this.”

“I don’t deserve him. I never did.”

“Honestly, I have to applaud your dedication. Using the same excuses since high school. The best part is that you truly believe it.”

“Jo.”

“Katniss.”

“Your pregnant is showing.”

“I know how traumatizing this was for you. I was there. I held you while you cried so hard that you made yourself sick. I took you to the hospital. I mourned _with_ you. You cannot blame yourself for something that was not your fault. It was _not your fault_.”

“Telling him won’t do anything but hurt him. I know it’s selfish. I just…I don’t want to live in a world where I know he doesn’t love me anymore.”

“I promise you that world does not exist. You have the perkiest tits I have ever seen and the silkiest hair on this side of town. What’s not to love?” Katniss released her legs and shimmied her way into a spot next to Johanna. She rested her head on her swollen belly while Johanna stroked her hair. She relished in the safety her cousin always brought her.

“You are the strongest human I know. I know that pain is familiar. I know that it is comfortable. Give happiness a try. Just try it.”

At this point, what did she truly have to lose?

“Jo, I need you to help me with something.”

* * *

Peeta felt a heaviness on his heart as he stood in front of his favorite window watching the sunrise. What was once a calming and restorative ritual was now just a mundane chore that his therapist would reprimand him for letting go. He tosses and turns all night, his mind bogged down by mayoral stress and hatred for Councilman Snow that he couldn’t place anywhere. He hasn’t been able to work a Saturday at the bakery in lord knows how long. He was back to negative ten with Katniss.

All he wanted was a few hours of sleep to pretend none of these issues existed. But it was abundantly clear that he was asking for too much.

The sound of the doorbell brought him out of his thoughts. There was no reason for anyone to be at his door at 6:30 in the morning. His bones felt so heavy, bogged down by the emotions shifting inside him. His mouth fell open when he opened the door.

“Umm, hi,” Katniss said, her voice quiet. She was holding a small backpack close to her chest. Her hair was flowing around her shoulders and the soft orange sunrise glow behind her making the brown specks in her grey eyes glow. They watched each other for a moment, each unsure what to do. She reached into the backpack and pulled out a brown paper bag and shoved it into his hands. “Those are, uh, for you.” He slowly opened the bag, astonished by the cloud of steam that met his face as he looked inside.

“Cheese buns?” He asked. The mounds of baked dough were lumpy and different sizes, but they smelled good. He could tell the cheese was still settling.

Katniss nodded her head. “I made them. For you. Johanna helped. Well, supervised.” Peeta was in complete utter shock. Katniss Everdeen was at his doorstep with food she made herself. For _him_. He didn’t know what to say.

“You hate mornings,” Peeta said, still shocked that she was here. She shrugged.

“It gets easier to wake up early when you don’t really sleep.” _Ah, a notion I am very familiar with._ “I just wanted to bring these. I’ll go—“

“No. Come on.” Peeta moved aside so she could enter the house. She stood in the middle of the foyer and gawked at the interior.

“I knew it would be nice, but this is…”

“Obnoxious, I know.” She turned to him. He was leaning on the door, still trying to make sense of her being in his house.

“No. It’s nice.” He ran his hands through his hair and averted her gaze. “You don’t like it?” He shrugged.

“It’s a lot of house for one person. Flashy isn’t really my style. Amazing kitchen though.” Katniss smiled.

“Of course it is. I know you made sure of it.” Peeta took a cheese bun from the bag and made a show of inspecting it. The sound of her laugh sent a chill down his spine. 

“They probably taste like shit.” He took a bite and let the flavors rest on his tongue. They weren’t bad at all. A little burnt, but he could feel the effort placed in them.

“Not bad for someone that could burn water.”

“I told you that in confidence.” Now Peeta was smiling. He wanted to stop— _needed_ to stop acting like everything was roses between them. But he could not help the fact that whenever they were together, it felt natural. They had this flow that they were incapable of outgrowing.

“Is this a peace offering?” Katniss wrapped her arms around herself, clearly trying to avoid her real intentions for coming over here.

“I wouldn’t call it that.” She combed her fingers through her hair for a few moments then stopped herself. She stood up taller and zeroed in on his eyes. Her grey eyes were so focused that Peeta stood up taller, too. He was suddenly reminded of the life-altering information he was withholding. 

“Katniss—“

“I never fought for you.” The words flew out her mouth with an urgency. “I ran. I hid from you. I was a coward.” Peeta took another bite from his cheese bun. He needed something to do other than looking her up and down. Her sweater was fitting her in all the right places and he was suddenly reminded of all those late nights deep in the forest behind Hobb park…

“I meant it when I said I loved you. I do. I love you so much, Peeta. And I just…I was too scared to fight for you. Maybe it's because my mother wasn't able to fight for me or my fear of you not wanting me. I guess it doesn't matter.” The few feet distance between them felt like miles. “I came here to fight for you. This is me fighting for you.”

Peeta never thought about it that way, but it suddenly all made sense. It was always Peeta chasing after Katniss because all he ever wanted from her was her love and attention. It never bothered him because he knew she showed her love differently. She had no choice. The small moments like when he would catch her eyeing him during English or when she would rest her forehead on his before saying goodbye for the night were enough.

But that was then. Now, he needed her to be all in. 

“You are the kindest person I have ever met. You always smell like cinnamon and fresh bread. You always double tie your shoelaces. You have that stupid loud laugh that makes it impossible for anyone who hears it to not laugh, too. I love how my head always fit in that spot just above your shoulder. Like your body was a puzzle and I was the missing piece. And you loved me. You loved me like you wanted to. You picked mean, boring, selfish me. You never made me feel like I was unworthy of love. You made me believe I deserved it.” Katniss wiped the tears from her eyes as she tried to sniffle the leftover droplets from meeting her cheeks. Peeta wasn’t sure how to handle what was happening in front of him. These were things that he always wanted—no needed—to hear from Katniss’s lips. There was a sudden pounding hitting right at his temples, his brain struggling to comprehend what his next move was.

There was a hurricane of emotions tossing and turning in the depths of his belly. He wanted to yell, and cry, and rant, and say terrible awful things. The only thing that was making complete sense, between the anger he had towards her sweeping in every other second, was the fact that he loved her. There would never be a time or place when he didn’t love her.

“I am so sorry, Peeta.” He knew she was. He decided it was time to trust her.

“I know.” He closed the space between them, took her face in his hands and wiped a fat tear that was streaming from her eye. “I know.”

“I’m sorry for leaving. For avoiding you and making you think I didn’t love you. I’m sorry for keeping this from you.” Katniss broke their embrace and grabbed her backpack from the couch. She grabbed something from the bag, walked back to him, and placed a bundle in his hands. It took him a moment to figure out why the book looked so familiar. _The Book of Katniss_ glued to the green cover in glimmering yellow letters kicked open another door in his already exposed heart.

“You kept this?” Peeta whispered. Knowing that she still held onto it as a reminder was overwhelming him. _She really did love me. She never stopped. Not for one moment_.

Tears were still falling down her face. She looked terrified. Before he could say a word, she kissed him. She wrapped her arms around his waist, pulling him as close as she could. Her lips moved against his with ease, but there was a feeling of desperation mixed in. He still had the items in his arms, and all he wanted to do was drop them to the floor and scoop her up into his arms. He would have done it if she didn’t pull away. She traced the features of his face with her eyes, tears beginning to well in them.

“I had to kiss you. One last time.” She whispered.

“Katniss, what are you talking about? You keep talking in riddles.”

“You were right. The thought of looking in your eyes while I break your heart…I can’t do it.” She stepped away and sat on the couch. “I left because I loved you too much to stay.”

Peeta put the letters on the coffee table then began to inspect the scrapbook. He ran his fingers over the soft material, unsure if he was about to open Pandora’s box. The answer to the questions that have been haunting him for nearly a decade was laying behind the laminated pages of the scrapbook.

He took a deep breath.

A smile immediately stretched over his face at the sight of young Katniss. The signature double braids of her youth matched with two missing front teeth as she smiled at the camera, her father’s arms wrapped around her. Teaming up with Johanna on the book was the best and worst idea. Her inability to take anything 100% serious was great until it wasn’t. The family photos were very important to her, and she had pent up anxiety about giving them away. But the book was cathartic for her. The only person on this Earth that loved Katniss more than him was Johanna, and she appreciated being able to help him with it.

As he flipped towards the final stretch of the book, he stopped at the page he purposely left unbound from the book. _Their_ page. It was locked in with the other fond memories. This was her way of telling him he was right all along. He noticed there were more pages behind this that she added.

The next page was filled with pictures of him. Their prom pictures. His senior year wrestling team photo. A candid moment of Peeta asleep, his head resting on Katniss’s chest.

“Katniss, I don’t know what to say.” He was overwhelmed by the butterflies fluttering in his stomach. He was trying to make sense of it all, but it felt like a dream. She was proving her love with her words, her body, her gifts. She was finally laying all her cards on the table.

When he looked up from the book to see Katniss’s face, he was confused. All the color was drained from her face leaving her deep olive-brown skin nearly white, her hands were shaking in her lap. Tears were still falling silently down her cheeks.

The next page was her acceptance letter to PU and a picture of her rocking a goofy smile while wearing a PU t-shirt. The next was her standing next to Johanna’s car, all her belonging packed into it.

It was the image on the next page that threatened to take the very breath from his lungs. Katniss was standing on the PU quad, a small smile on her lips and her hands resting on her swollen stomach. Her pregnant stomach.

_Pregnant._

He flipped through the pages furiously, her belly growing bigger with each page. The final page had an ultrasound image placed neatly in the center of the page.

“Katniss? Katniss, I don’t…When were you…”

“Peeta. Peeta, please, listen to me.” Katniss was on her feet now, but she kept her distance. _Katniss was pregnant? She had a baby? Or she didn’t have a baby? She went away to school and had a baby? This doesn’t make sense_. His brain was doing summersaults trying to find the answer. “I wanted to tell you.”

“It’s…It’s ok.” He finally looked up, met her face which was overcome with fear.

“What?”

“We weren’t together. If…I never expected you to not be with someone else.” The fear on her face turned to confusion.

“Peeta. Just listen to me.” He looked at the photo again, scanning it for a clue he wasn’t seeing. Then his eyes landed on the date: August 13, 2010. The room was suddenly a Ferris wheel, turning so quickly he was seeing stars. _2010\. That means. Oh god, that means—_

“Mine?” He sputtered. Her inability to look him in the eye gave him the answer. “Oh my god, _Katniss_.”

“Let me explain. Please, just give me five minutes— “

“You…you just ran off and didn’t tell me. You kept _this_ from me? _This?_ ” She took a step towards him but he stepped back putting his hand in front of him to stop her. “Don’t touch me.”

“I had to go.”

“This is so fucked.” Peeta was pacing around the living room, the book pressed to his chest, his heartbeat pounding in his ears. He was a father? He had a baby? Well, a child at this point.

“Shut up and listen to me.” She wasn’t yelling, but she was stern. Although she was full-on crying now, her voice was steady, her feet firmly planted into the ground. Peeta took a deep breath, placing his blinding anger into a box. “Everything happened so fast. I found out right before graduation and there wasn’t any time and next thing I knew Johanna was packing our things and we were gone.”

“You didn’t even say goodbye.”

“I couldn’t face you. I knew if I saw that look, the look you are giving me right now, I would break.” He leaned onto the couch for support. The room was spinning again. “We were so young...and I loved you _so_ much, but I didn't know _how_ to love. Not the way you deserved to be loved. And I had to go to school, I promised Prim I would. And you were destined to be somebody. You are so special Peeta. I couldn’t be the thing that kept you from reaching your potential.”

“So you were just going to hide my kid from me forever?”

“I wanted to call you. I wanted so desperately to tell you. And I was. But then—” The sob that escaped her throat was unlike any sound he had ever heard. It was almost animal-like; so raw and doused in pain. His instinct was to go to her, but he stopped himself. Katniss wrapped her arms around herself. “I never planned to come back to 12-Ward. I never wanted to ruin your life or hurt you. I tried to carry the pain for both of us. But I don’t think I can keep going like this.” Her entire body was visibly shaking under the weight of her emotions. Peeta couldn’t stand it.

“Katniss?”

“You have to understand. I saw how my mother withered away after we lost my father. And it was just Prim and me. And I did everything I could, but it wasn’t enough. I watched my sister die. I felt him…I saw them all die.” Peeta took a step towards her. His anger had nearly dissipated, shifting to fear.

“Ok.” He said quietly. He was willing to do and say anything to calm her down at this point. Her chest was heaving so hard, he knew she was struggling to take a full breath.

“He was kicking like crazy. He was fine. He was perfect. But he just…he just stopped.” Peeta stopped in his tracks. “This was the one thing I knew I could do. I couldn’t protect Prim but I could protect you. I could protect our baby. But I couldn’t do it. My body wouldn’t let me do it." Her body crumpled to the ground, her arms wrapping around her knees and pressing them to her chest. "Everything I love dies.”

It felt like a rock slammed into his chest. As if a decade of mourning sucked him up all at once. A moment ago, they had a baby. Peeta was a _father._ But as quickly as it came, it slipped away. The fact that Katniss had to deal with that suffering all on her own was unimaginable.

“I wanted to protect you from this pain. I never had a chance to truly be happy, but you? I couldn’t take that away from you.” He should be livid. The love of his life stole the only thing he had ever wanted from him. She left like a thief in the night and lied to him for ten years. There should be no coming back from this. But he knew she woke up every day haunted by her experience. They were bonded by this pain.

He kneeled before her and took her hand and pressed it to his chest. She looked up from the safety behind her knees, her eyes shining like the moon in her teary eyes.

“I would have been there. For every fucking moment. If you thought for even one second that I would have abandoned you—“

“Peeta, you don’t need—“

“Jesus, Katniss!” Her breathing was steady now, her sobbing now just a few sniffles and shallow breaths. “I am so fucking _angry_.”

“You have every right to be angry and to hate me.” This beautiful, tortured woman. The owner of his heart. The love of his life. He was angry, but it took him a moment to understand what exactly he was angry about.

“Not at you. I could _never_ hate you. I am angry with myself. I failed. My job was to protect you and I failed.”

“This is not your fault.”

“You went through all that by yourself. You were all alone.”

“I had Johanna.” Katniss unraveled herself and wiped away the tears falling down his face. “Don’t cry. I should have told you. I know I should have told you. But, I needed you to follow your dreams and—“

“You still don’t get it.” The look of confusion in her eyes threatened to break what remained of his heart. “ _You_ were my dream, Katniss. _You_. Just you. What, you think traveling was my dream? Being fucking mayor? I don't care about any of this. If I could have had a life with you? A baby with you? You are _everything_. I was put on this Earth to love you, Katniss.” He kissed her and he felt her body fall into him. In one sweeping motion, he had her in his arms, Their bodies now laying flat on the plush rug. He felt that familiar jolt of electricity as his hands slid under her shirt, her growing goosebumps meeting the tips of his fingers.

“Peeta.” She breathed as he moved his lips to her neck, pressing hungry kisses wherever he could find flesh. “I don’t deserve you.” The latter half of that sentence turned into a moan when he sucked her left earlobe into his mouth, his hand rubbing circles on her inner right thigh.

“No more talking.” He growled before gently biting her lower lip. She was helpless, sighing at every touch. He wasn’t sure how to hold this new pain on his heart. It was so heavy, threatening to devour him. The only solution was to counteract it with something bigger. To douse it with the all-encompassing love they had for each other. He could sense her fighting the lust, but her body was reacting to him the same way it did a decade ago.

“You love me?” He asked. She nodded her head.

“I love you.”

“Do you want this? Us? Me?” Without hesitation, she nodded again.

“More than anything.” They sat up and she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him as close as she could. “I won’t let you go. I'm all in.”

“I love you, too. I’m all in.” He whispered into her neck. For the first time in years, the words left him without resentment or anger. It was simply a fact, and it settled into his chest the way it always did years ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> F i n a l l y. I have been so looking forward to writing this chapter. After chapter upon chapter of torturing you all, there is some light on the horizon. 
> 
> Some. (; 
> 
> As always, thank you for sticking with me and this story. I really do love writing it.


	9. The Love Bubble

Peeta never realized how exhausted he was until he woke up the next morning. He slept through the night, no tossing or turning. When he opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was her dark hair settled on his chest. The weight of her on him forced a sigh of comfort from his lips. There was a lightness on his heart that he hadn’t felt in years. Everything was suddenly in place, and he silently cursed himself for not reaching for it sooner. Katniss rolled over, spreading her body out like a starfish as she continued to snore. They never really slept together back then; a few naps here and there, but nothing like this. There were a million things he still had to learn about Katniss, and he couldn’t fight the excitement spreading through him at the prospect of discovering it all.

There was still darkness hanging onto the sky, and the clock read _5 am_. He wanted nothing more than to fall back asleep, his arms pulling Katniss to his chest, but when the baker alarm went off in his head, he could never turn it off.

The last few days were hard to define. Katniss came to the mansion at dawn on Wednesday morning. It was now Saturday and she hasn’t left. It was irresponsible and downright ridiculous for them to tune out the real world for a few days, but it was the only choice that made sense. Gale didn’t ask any questions when Katniss called out sick, and, somehow, Peeta convinced Haymitch to get him out of the cabinet meetings until next week. It was a sign. They had a decade of memories to create, and it felt so urgent as if the rug could be pulled from under their reunion at any moment.

“Peeeeeta.” Katniss groaned beside him. He was sitting up scrolling on his phone, trying to not get overwhelmed by the plethora of emails in his inbox.

“Hmm?” He put down his phone and placed a soft kiss on her shoulder.

“It’s Saturday.”

“Correction: it is _5 am_ on a Saturday. Which means you should be asleep.”

“How can I sleep when you have your phone on literally the highest brightness setting?”

“I guess I’m not used to having someone waking up next to me.” Katniss yawned as she sat up. Her head immediately found his shoulder. They took a deep breath, releasing a contented sigh in unison.

“Hi.” She whispered.

“Hi.” He whispered back.

“Peeta, it’s _Saturday_.” It finally clicked. “You should go see your father. I know he misses you.” It’s been over a month since Peeta spent a day at the bakery. He still called his father every week, but he could feel their connecting fading. His father stopped inquiring about the deeper parts of his life, and as much as it annoyed Peeta when he did it, it felt wrong now that he stopped. Something wasn’t right, but he was too scared to try to figure it out.

“I feel like the moment I see him this is going to pour out of me.” He motioned between them.

“It’s your _father_. It’s ok to want to tell him.”

“But you aren’t ready for that. _We_ aren’t ready for that.” It wasn’t that he had doubts about their relationship lasting, it was just…ok, so he did have doubts. He couldn’t silence the alarms ringing in his head. At least not completely.

They sat in silence for a moment.

“It’s only been a few days and I’m not ready to leave our love bubble. I want us to just be _us_ for a little while. I am all in, but I don’t want other people in our shit until we figure out what our shit _is_.” Katniss said, her tone sounding as if she was trying to convince herself. Peeta nodded. She was 1000% right. “But it’s your dad.” Katniss crawled in front of him, her sleepy eyes meeting his with a tenderness he’d never seen before.

“Katniss—“

“He’d be the first person I would tell.” Katniss started playing with her hair, her nerves starting to take over her hands. “Ok, that’s a lie. I’d tell Prim first. Who would then tell our father because she couldn’t keep a secret to save her life, and then my mom.” Peeta pulled her to his chest, running his fingers through her hair to soothe her. Amidst all the joy they created over the last few days, their recoupling also brought up a lot of pain. The other day he was making them some lunch while Katniss “supervised,” and he put out a quick spread of cheese and crackers to appease her while he worked. She was preparing to eat a piece of warm bread with a healthy serving of brie on top but suddenly stopped.

 _“My mom is dead.”_ Peeta did his best to not be shocked by the statement, but it was so jarring. He had heard it through the grapevine that her mother passed away a couple of years ago, but at the time, it wasn’t his place to reach out to her. She just sat there, her eyes entranced by the bread and cheese.

 _“My mom loved brie cheese. My mom loved my sister and my father. And in the only way she knew how she loved me. My mom loved brie cheese and she would have loved you. But she’s dead.”_ Katniss didn't cry or dive into it any further and Peeta knew better than to push her. She ate quietly while she held Peeta's hand tight. She was clearing out the sadness to make room for him.

“It’s too early to get this upset.”

“I’m not upset. Having you, and I mean _really having you_ , is a reminder. I wasted so much time and I should know better than anyone how quickly things change. This isn’t about me and whatever we are building together. This is about you and him. You deserve to have a family. You deserve to have a family that Is _whole_.”

“Katniss, it’s ok. I can’t just walk in after not seeing him for months and show you off like ribbon or some shit.”

“I dunno, it could be kind of nice. I’ve been shown off before. Maybe it could be a little test run?” Peeta couldn’t believe she was serious. “How about this. You go in and have some alone time. I’ll pop in a few hours. Just to say hi.”

“I don’t know why I’m so terrified.” She kissed him and slowly, but surely, his nerves began to melt away.

* * *

“I really am not in the mood to bicker with your mother this morning.” Leo groaned as Peeta tied an apron around his waist. He shrugged.

“You gonna kick me out?” Peeta countered playfully as he settled beside his father. “Where do you need me?” Leo pushed the mound of dough he was working on to Peeta, then started filling a pastry bag with frosting.

“Martha has been in rare form the last couple of weeks.”

“Why? Has she missed me?” They shared a quick laugh before the energy returned somber.

“Your brothers backed out on visiting again.” Peeta did his best to not get into his head, but it always hurt him to see the astronomical difference between how his mother treated him and his brothers. When they were kids Rye and Rueben got away with nearly everything, and if they were on the cusp of getting caught, Peeta was always there to take the blame. He didn’t have a bad relationship with them; once they moved out and their frontal lobes fully formed, they got along quite well. But the Mellark boys didn’t know how to jump over the wall of their mother’s occasional love and constant abuse to create a genuine relationship.

“You’d think she would be used to it by now,” Peeta said as he worked the dough. He felt his nerves dissipate as the sticky mound melted into his fingers.

“Here, you frost the cakes. You always overwork the dough.”

“That was a very Martha thing to say.”

“It’s true.” Peeta rolled his eyes as he switched places with his father. There was a heaviness in the air that Peeta couldn’t place. The silence between them felt like a black star sucking up everything around them. He missed the warmth of the ovens on his fingertips and the comfort of his father talking aimlessly beside him, but it seemed like the only person happy to be in the bakery right now was Peeta. Either way, they continued to work, recreating the rhythm that had become rusty with their time apart.

“Son.” Leo directed his full attention to Peeta. He watched his son silently, that sadness he constantly felt for Peeta resting in his eyes.

“Hmm?” Peeta was too focused on frosting a tulip to notice the energy shift.

“You can’t keep coming here.”

“Huh?” Peeta stood up tall, admiring the perfect tulip that was now resting on the cake. “That is one pretty ass tulip.” His pride vanished when he saw his father’s face.

“Peeta, you have a _real_ job. A real life! You should focus on that instead of coming over here every chance you get.” From the pain in Leo’s eyes, Peeta knew he didn’t mean it.

“Did mom put you up to this? This is so typical—“

“She isn’t always wrong.” Leo sighed. “All I want is for you boys to be happy.” Peeta laughed in disbelief at his father’s words. He threw his hands up and walked to the storage room. Leo followed. “Do not walk away!”

“Happy? You want me to be happy? Did you ever give a fuck about me being happy when she was throwing rolling pins or yelling at me until I cried? Or was it when you told me I would never be good enough to get into a real culinary or art school so I had to stay here? Oh, it must have been when I came to you at my lowest moment, when I was so _broken_ and all I wanted—no all I _needed_ —was for you to hold me. To just tell me things would be alright. And you couldn’t do it.” Peeta was fuming, his voice cracking from the yelling and repressed pain. Leo was leaning on the doorframe, simply watching Peeta scream; that same sadness in his eyes.

“You have to let the hurt go, Peeta.”

“Like you have?”

“Yes. Like I have. You are trying to recapture something that doesn’t exist anymore, and I played into it. Because I _love_ you. You are my son and you have soared beyond my wildest imagination. You did it. You proved us all wrong. Why stay trapped here?” Peeta kicked a bag of flour and cursed himself as his toe cracked under the pressure of his shoe meeting the heavy bag. He sat on the bag and pressed his head to his knees.

“This cannot be happening,” Peeta whispered to himself.

“I am not perfect; And as a father, I never came close. All I can do is try to mend what I broke.” Peeta looked up and softened at the tears flowing down Leo’s face. He loved his father and was always the first to defend him. He knew he loved and protected Peeta in the only ways he could. It was never enough, but at least he tried.

“Why is it so hard for you to believe that this is where I want to be? I come here because I love this place. And I love you.”

“Because we kept you from dreaming bigger than here. You don’t know what it feels like to fly. You can’t even fathom it.” Peeta was officially offended.

“What are you even saying right now? You aren’t making any sense. I’m going to finish this cake.” Peeta stood up and moved towards the door, but Leo blocked his path. “Seriously Dad. Move.”

“You need to leave.”

“This isn’t funny.”

“Get out, Peeta.”

“Are you going to force me out?” Leo was not a man of violence, which made his devotion to a bitter woman like Martha make even less sense, and Peeta was completely shocked when his father’s hands pushed him towards the back of the storage room.

“ _Please_.”

“What the hell is all the noise?” Martha pushed Leo from where he was defending the door and took in the situation. Her face was always set in a state of disgust, but it always held an especially rancid version for when she saw Peeta.

“I got it Martha.”

“He shouldn’t be here.”

“I got it.”

“You said you would handle it.”

“This is me handling it!”

“You are not wanted here.” The hatred in her voice took Peeta’s breath away. He could never understand how a parent could hate their child. Or how a parent could just stand by and watch it all happen.

“That’s the best you got, Martha?” Peeta said through clenched teeth. He couldn’t let her see how much power she still held over him.

“You don’t want to go there with me.” His mother took another step towards him. Leo was basically hiding behind his wife now.

“You are a coward.” Peeta pointed at his father. “You never stand up for yourself. My entire life all you have ever done is fear her. She has isolated you from everyone who loves you. Rye and Rueben are never coming back! I am all you have left!” Leo couldn’t meet his son’s eyes. He was too ashamed.

“Hello?” A voice floated in from the front of the bakery. Leo escaped quickly, mumbling about taking care of the customer. Martha kept her fury on her son.

“Are you…are you _crying_?” Peeta wiped the tears from his face with his arm, applying so much pressure that he could feel pain from his skin rubbing so hard.

“Wait! You can’t go back there!” The prelude of Leo’s voice couldn’t stop Katniss from appearing in the doorway. She didn’t bother acknowledging Martha. She went right to Peeta, taking his face in her hands and wiping away the accumulating tears.

“Let’s go, baby.” She whispered to him. His body was shaking now, the familial trauma doing everything in its power to burst to the surface.

“All you do is embarrass this family. Not only can you not do your job right, you’re still chasing after this Seam slut!”

“Martha. That is enough.” Leo was back, suddenly snapped awake from the manipulative spell his wife placed over him.

“Just because you’ve been chasing after her whore mother’s ghost all these years—“

“You keep my mother’s name out of your fucking mouth.” Katniss shot to Martha before quickly returning her attention to Peeta.

“I will say what I please in _my_ home. Your family has done nothing but try to destroy my own. Your mother was a lowdown whore, just like you. She’s dead and had no family to take care of her. You’ll end up the same.” Peeta attempted to lunge from her embrace, but Katniss was a step ahead and held him back.

“You are an evil bitch.” Peeta spat. “I can’t think of one redeemable quality about you.”

Katniss turned his face back to her own. “You don’t have to stay here. Come with me. Let’s go home.” She was running her fingers through his hair, gently massaging his scalp, something that always calmed him. She was trembling from his mother’s vitriol, but she was holding it together.

“Why do you hate me? What did I do?” Peeta told himself he would never ask his mother this question. It was too vulnerable and left him too exposed. But at this point, he had nothing left to lose. “Mom, _please_.”

His mother looked at him and rolled her eyes. “Don’t forget to throw your apron in the washer on your way out.” She moved around his father and walked back up the steps. Peeta and his father shared one last look before Leo turned and walked back into the kitchen.

“Let’s go, Peeta.” Katniss attempted to move them forward, but Peeta just fell into her, his body shaking with sobs.”

“Why won’t she love me? What is wrong with me that she can’t love me?”

* * *

It was a chilly day to be outside, but Katniss wasn’t sure where else to take Peeta. He was so distraught from the argument with his parents and she knew she needed to take him somewhere where he could think. They haven’t been inside the forest of Hob Park together since high school, but it was always a safe place for them. He hadn’t said a word in nearly an hour, and she didn’t push him. He was farther in the clearing, sitting with his back towards her. She knew how important space was for her, and she was doing her best to give it to him, but she felt…bad. She wanted to hold him and tell him everything would be alright. Even if she knew that was far from the truth she wanted to do the one thing she never did; she wanted to lie.

His laughter pierced the air.

“Peeta?” Even though his back was still facing her she jumped to her feet.

“This is where you left me.”

“What?”

“When I gave you the scrapbook. You couldn’t stop crying. I thought the book would cheer you up, but you left instead.”

“We saw each other a few more times before I left.”

“Maybe so. But this is where it really ended for us. Emotionally, this is where you left me.” Katniss walked over and sat on the grass next to him.

“I’m sorry.”

“Do you even know what you’re apologizing for?” His voice was steeped in anger.

“Don’t you send that shit my way. You have every right to be upset about what happened today, but you do not get to hurl it at me.”

“You left once. Feel free to leave again.” Katniss softened. He was clearly trying to protect himself.

“Peeta.” She moved that she could see his eyes. They were bloodshot red. “I shouldn't have pushed you to go to the bakery today. You didn't want to go and I'm sorry. But I am here now. I am not going anywhere.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Why would I lie?”

“What are we _doing_ , Katniss?” Katniss sat back on her heels and averted his eyes as he wiped his tears. “Are we just fucking? Just having a few laughs before you pretend like this never happened? Is that all I’m good for?”

“Peeta. I love you.”

“According to you, you loved me back then but you still left. What makes now different? My own _mother_ doesn’t want me.” Katniss released a sigh. _How the fuck do I maneuver through this? What am I supposed to say?_

“I was such a wreck back then. Shit, I still am. I have spent a decade searching for the answer of why I left and I will probably spend another decade because it doesn’t quite make sense. All I know is that I loved you in the only way I knew how.” She took his hand and placed it over her heart. “I am not 18 years old anymore, Peeta. I know how to love differently. I know _how_ to love. I can love you the way you deserve—if you’ll have me. If you will let me try.”

Peeta finally met her eyes. They were still moist with tears, but the clouds were beginning to clear. There were so many follow-up questions resting on his tongue. So many more doubts to be rectified. Instead, he pulled her into his arms and held on tight. She ran her fingers through his hair and whispered, “I love you, I love you, I _love_ you” in his ear over and over like a prayer.

She meant it more and more each time the words left her lips.

* * *

Katniss was standing in the doorway of the kitchen watching the kids do their best to frost their cookies with the same patience and precision as Peeta. They were failing miserably, but their giggles were what truly mattered. As if he could feel her eyes on him, Peeta looked up. A week ago, she would have sprinted from the doorway as fast as she could. But this is today. Today she held his gaze and gave him a small smile. No one could ever understand how a gesture this small could mean the entire world.

“Katniss, stop staring at Peeta. It’s weird!” Posy teased, her eyes razor focused on the pink frosting she was spreading across her cookie. Peeta laughed. “And you stop staring back, Peeta!”

“Ok, ok, ok. I think it’s time to get ready for bed. Let’s start cleaning up.” Katniss began to corral the children to the sink to wash their hands as Peeta cleared the table.

“Peeta, are you staying to read us a bedtime story?” Lily, one of the newer kids, ran up to him and wrapped her still wet hands around his leg and held on tight. Peeta was never around during the evenings so the kids were trying to take full advantage of his post-sundown presence.

“Not tonight, Lily,” Katniss said over her shoulder, too focused on getting the other kids together to give the girl a softer answer.

“Hmm…How about this; if you all can get ready for bed in twenty-minutes, I will do storytime.” Like a plume of smoke, the children rushed past Katniss up the steps. She turned to look at him, very annoyed by the smile on his face.

“Peeta—“

“I’m not going anywhere, Katniss.” His voice was low now. He meant that in more ways than one. “I want them to know that.”

“It sets a precedent, Peeta. This isn’t something sustainable. You can’t be here every night.” He closed the space between them and took her hand in his. The warmth of his body near her own always sent a chill up her spine. She hoped that feeling never went away.

“I’m working on it.” She felt her cheeks get hot as memories of last night, and the night before that, and the one before that quickly danced across her mind. They were putting in the work to make up for a decade of lost time.

“Peeaaaata!” Posy’s voice floated down the steps.

“I’m coming! I’ll be right back.” He gave her hand a quick squeeze and jumped up the steps. As she continued to clean up the kitchen, Katniss realized she hasn’t truly had a moment to herself in over a week. She was so stupidly in love that it seemed impossible to give a fuck about her other responsibilities. The only thing she gave a fuck about was Peeta fucking her over, and over, and over…

Katniss shook hear and went. As she crept down the hall, she could hear the faint sound of Peeta’s animated voice painting a fictional world.

“And then the mockingjays began to sing a song. The same song that the princess sang to them when she first walked through the forest. The song that will always lead her home.” Peeta was sitting in the middle of a circle with all the kids on the floor wrapped up in their blankets, sound asleep. He took a moment to make sure they were all down, then got up and tiptoed out the room.

“How long before they were out?”

“Six minutes.” She rolled her eyes. “Ok, maybe twenty.” They walked downstairs to Katniss’s office. Gale would be doing rounds soon, so she needed to sneak Peeta out. Peeta sat on the couch and, without thinking, Katniss straddled his lap and nuzzled into his shoulder. That spot that was made just for her.

“Jo texted me. She has summoned us for dinner.” Peeta said into her neck, the warmth of his voice regulating her pounding heartbeat.

“I know _she_ isn’t cooking.”

“My groceries are anxiously awaiting my arrival.” Katniss sat up and searched his eyes. He was calm.

“You sure you want to go to my place?”

“I have been dying to know how Katniss Everdeen lives.”

“Don’t be fooled. Johanna reorganized my place. I can’t find anything.”

“I’m just saying. You always come to the mansion. It will be nice to be in a real home.” Katniss had a million thoughts on her mind—like how badly she wanted to believe that he wanted to build a life with her, and how being with him was making her softer, and how willing she was to ditch everything if it meant having small moments like this forever—but she decided to kiss him instead.

“You know—“ Peeta said while deepening the kiss, his tongue snaking in and dancing with her own. “We’ve fucked in almost every room in the mansion. But not here.” He moved from her mouth to her neck. His kisses felt like butterflies landing on her skin, and she was beginning to lose herself in him. “Since the first time you brought me in here, I have thought about taking you on that desk.” His hands were playing with the hem of her skater dress, teasing her into squirming. “With my hand over your mouth so no one can hear you screaming my name.” Her core was throbbing now.

“Peeta.” She breathed. He found his way back to her lips. Katniss felt like she would die if is cock wasn’t inside her soon.

“Tell me what you want me to do.” His mouth was low in her ear. When he spoke that tone…it was over. Katniss unbuttoned his pants with a quickness and precision that showed she meant business. He wrapped his arms around her thighs and picked her up, leading them to her desk. His pants were at his ankles now, his cock fighting for freedom behind his underwear.

“Fuck me.”

“Right now?” She nodded her head furiously. He contemplated for a second before a devilish grin crossed his lips. “I don’t think you’re ready yet.” Peeta dropped to his knees and pulled her panties down and off her legs, throwing them to the other side of the room. He pulled her hips forward and began to play with her clit. A loud moan left her, sending Peeta’s hand over her mouth. She looked down at him, this man that she loved with every part of her, his head resting on her thigh as he reciprocated eye contact.

“I love you so much.” She whispered. He pressed a soft kiss to her thigh. As he opened his mouth to speak, the sound of someone clearing their throat entered the room. Katniss tore her eyes from Peeta’s to find the dark grey eyes of Gale in the doorway. Katniss slid off the desk and pulled Peeta to his feet. He quickly got himself together.

“Gale.” Katniss pretended not to notice how Peeta’s back tensed up at the sound of his name. Gale didn’t move from the doorway, just continued to stare the couple down. Disgust. Hatred. Disappointment. Gale was sending it all towards them.

“You gotta go.” She whispered to Peeta.

“You sure?” He whispered back. She nodded and he quickly gathered his things. “See you soon?” She nodded again. He searched her eyes, asking her permission. _“Can I?”_ She answered him by giving him the kiss he asked for. She meant it when she said she was all in. No more hiding.

Peeta waited for Gale to move aside so he could exit, but he didn’t budge. He was trying to intimidate Peeta. This might have worked in high school, but not now.

“I will not hurt her.” Peeta said, feet firmly on the ground. “She knows that. You don’t have to trust me, but you have to trust her.” Gale rolled his eyes, but he stepped aside and Peeta walked out the door. Katniss searched for her panties as Gale shut the door.

“Don’t start.” She said when she finally found them and stepped back into them.

“The kids are upstairs.”

“They’re sleeping.”

“How could you be so stupid, Katniss?” Gale was still leaning against the door. He was so hurt. “You know better.”

“Know better how, Gale?

“He destroyed you before. I won’t let him break your heart again.”

“I broke _his_ heart. I left. You have no reason to hate him.”

“You really want me to believe that Peeta Mellark is not the reason you left?” Katniss sighed. She knew she didn’t need to withhold this from Gale. If the last week with Peeta did anything, it was show her that she wasn’t holding this pain alone. She never needed to.

Katniss moved to the couch and pulled her legs under her. Gale kept his distance.

“I left because I was pregnant.” His eyes grew three times their size.

“I’ll fucking kill him—“

“Let me finish.” It took a moment, but he nodded. “I did not tell Peeta. The only person that knew was Johanna.” Gale walked over and sat next to her on the couch. “I made the decision to leave. I wanted to do it alone. I knew how disappointed you would have been in me. And I didn’t want to tie Peeta down.” Her hands were shaking and Gale rested his on top of them to calm her down. It always worked.

“Katniss, is that what you think of me? That I wouldn’t support you?”

“I know you would. I know that. But you would have hated every second of it.” They shared a laugh and it cut through the chill in the room. Suddenly, a deep sadness entered his eyes.

“Did something happen? To the baby?” Her words were sucked to the back of her throat. “Oh, Katniss.” He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. “I am so sorry.”

“It’s ok.” She took a deep breath to shove the sadness back into the depths of her mind. She was sick of being sad. It was _exhausting_. “I get to have my second chance. I get to make this right.”

“Do you believe that Peeta is the one? That he will take care of you?” She nodded.

“Absolutely.” She smiled as a solitary tear escaped her eye. “He told me that he was put on this earth to love me. How could I not trust that?” Gale let out a long sigh.

“Ok.” Katniss looked up to see those identical moonlit eyes. There was a softness that she hasn’t seen in a long time. “No more fighting. This is your choice and I trust you. Just don’t ever tell me if you two get into a fight because I will beat the shit out of him. Feel free to tell him that.” Katniss rolled her eyes but they shared a smile.

“Please try to like him.”

“I don’t _not_ like him. I just don’t like how _likable_ he is. But I’ll get over it.” They shared a hug and it felt like she finally had her best friend back. “Thank you for being honest with me.”

“I’m sorry I never told you. I’m trying to get better every day, ya know?” He nodded in agreement.

“Does this mean you are the First Lady of 12-Ward?” The blood in her veins suddenly turned cold. She and Peeta haven’t had that conversation yet, but the thought of her having to be an ornament to his political career made her stomach churn.

“I’ll update you as soon as I know. But what I do know, is that I have a dinner to get to.” They stood up and Gale walked her to the door. He pulled her in for one last hug, his arms feeling so safe and warm.

“I am happy for you, Katniss. Just don’t fuck in the office.” She kissed him on the cheek and headed on her way

“No promises!”

* * *

“Cook faster, Mellark!” Johanna pouted as she shoved another handful of almonds in her mouth. Peeta checked the pot roast baking in the oven one more time to appease her. It still had at least twenty minutes to go.

“We’re almost there.” He said as he stole an almond from her bowl and popped it into his mouth.

“The service at this restaurant is terrible. I will be writing a strongly worded review on Yelp.”

“You cannot blame me for the ambiance. I’m just the chef.” Johanna cackled while she inspected one of the lit candles glowing on the table. “So, what happens now?”

“What do you mean?” Peeta sat across from Johanna and took a sip of his cabernet.

“Like, are you moving in? Is there a ring? Do I need to get a new dress to be attractive set dressing for your upcoming campaign?”

“Honestly, I have not thought that far ahead yet. We’re just trying to enjoy each other right now.”

“Makes sense. But what do _you_ want?” Peeta took a long sip, trying to formulate an answer. All he has ever wanted was Katniss, but now that he had her, it was becoming abundantly clear that they can’t survive simply on love. They had careers and people that depended on them. Everyone won’t be rooting for them like Johanna. But, they had time to figure all that shit out.

Thankfully the sound of the door opening saved him from giving Johanna an answer he didn’t have. Katniss walked in and took a deep breath. She gave Peeta a smile.

“We good?” He asked. She nodded.

“We’re good. We officially have the Hawthorne blessing.” Johanna scoffed.

“Never thought I would see the day.”

“Me either.” Peeta chuckled, making Katniss roll her eyes. She noticed Peeta’s nearly empty wine glass.

“Where’s mine?” She pretended to pout.

“In the kitchen.” The surprise on her face made Peeta laugh. “What? I knew you’d walk in here foaming at the mouth for a glass.” Katniss wrapped her arms around his shoulders and kissed the top of his head.

“Food and wine waiting for me? I’m starting to like these Peeta Perks.” The oven alarm went off, and Johanna raised her hands in the air.

“Thank you, _God_. My poor kid is starving!” Peeta got up and walked with Katniss to the kitchen. She watched him while he took the roast out of the oven.

“What?” He said as he pulled plates out the cabinet to set the table.

“You’re in my apartment.” Her voice was so soft that he almost didn’t hear it.

“Yes, and?” He turned to face her, expecting to find a smile on her face. Instead, he found tears. “Katniss?” He closed the space between them and took her face in his hands. “What’s wrong?”

“I just…I never thought you would ever be here.” She wiped her tears. “I’m being stupid.”

“No. You aren’t. I understand.” They were both getting adjusted to their new reality. It seemed like Peeta had to talk to her at least once an hour to make sure she hadn’t vanished again. The fact that they found their way back to each other is a miracle.

“You know I don’t like being emotional.”

“Yeah, but I do.” Katniss finally laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Every moment with you doesn’t feel real. But I’m so fucking glad it is.” The gentle kiss he placed on her lips quickly escalated. Before he knew it, she was on the counter, her legs wrapped around Peeta’s waist, holding him as close as possible. Her hands were under his shirt, the warmth of her touch sending goosebumps down his arms.

“Pass me a fork, will ya?” Peeta and Katniss jumped apart at the sound of Johanna’s voice. She was standing on the other side of them in the kitchen, a full plate of food in her hand. She had the biggest smile on her face.

“Jo—“

“No need to apologize. God knows you need to get laid. Just slide me a fork and you can get back to buttering Peeta’s breadstick.” Katniss groaned. Even though she was embarrassed, Peeta found it pretty funny. They really were acting like they were 18 again.

“Come on, let’s eat.” Peeta kissed Katniss’s head and helped her off the counter. Johanna grabbed a fork from the drawer and left the kitchen with a wink. Peeta filled their plates with food.

“Peeta?”

“Hmm?”

“That’s the second time we’ve been interrupted today.” The fire in her eyes made his cock jump. “Just keep that in mind.” He took a deep breath before following her out the kitchen. That woman had a power over him that he could never begin to understand.

* * *

“When are you going back, Jo?” They were all settled in the living room sharing laughs over a blueberry crumble Peeta put together.

“In a couple of days. I think my work here is done. And I miss my kid.” Johanna was resting her now empty bowl on her stomach, her other hand rubbing small circles around the bump. Peeta couldn’t help but look at Katniss on the other side of the couch and wonder. _Will we ever get that chance again? To have a kid? Could she want that?_ It was too soon to get that ahead of himself.

“I hate that you’re leaving.”

“Oh please. The sooner I leave, the sooner you can get back to fucking your way through 12-Ward.”

“Jo!” Katniss snorted.

“You know I’m right.” They all laughed because, well, she wasn’t wrong. “You probably won’t see me until my uterus is empty. I doubt Zahir is going to let me leave the house until she’s here, let alone the state.”

“Don’t be so dramatic. I already took the time off to come to help.”

“Between you and my baby daddy, I won’t be able to pee by myself. I’m gonna pass.”

“Shut up, Johanna! You need someone to watch Alani and help out for those first few weeks. And I need to make sure that—“

“Ok.” Johanna’s voice was soft, no longer working to get on Katniss’s nerves. She knew they were entering tricky waters. Peeta was slowly catching on to the things that triggered her. “My only rule is that you stay in the guest house. That way there are a few extra steps before you can come annoy me.” The levity was back in the air. Katniss inched over and rested her head on Peeta’s shoulder.

“Deal.”

“Oh. One more requirement.”

“What else could you possibly want from me so that I can see my godchildren?” Johanna gestured her head towards Peeta.

“Bread boy needs to come. They’re his problem now, too.” Peeta felt his chest get tight. He was so overwhelmed by this family’s kindness that it knocked the wind out of him.

“Yeah?” Peeta said. He looked to Katniss, once again asking permission. She nodded.

“Perfect. Now that we figured that shit out, I’m gonna excuse myself. Being a cockblock is an exhausting gig and my bladder is about to explode.” She put her plate down and pushed herself up from her chair. It seemed like she was getting bigger with each passing day. Peeta was absolutely fascinated. When she was almost down the hall, she turned back around.

“I love you, Katniss. Say it back.”

“I love you, Johanna.” Johanna turned her attention to Peeta.

“I love you, Peeta.” Once again, his chest got tight. Johanna was the guiding woman figure he had been searching for his entire life. He couldn’t think of one time his mother told him that she was proud of him. Or that she loved him.

“Say it back.”

“What?” A small laugh left her lips.

“If one us says I love you, the other has to say it back. Even when they are being utterly brainless. We say it. No matter what.”

“No matter what.” The cousins shared a smile.

“I—that’s good. That is…really, really good.” Katniss took his face in her hands and kissed him.

“I love you. Say it back.” Katniss whispered against his lips.

“I love you.” He whispered back. He pulled away for a moment. “I love you, Jo. Say it back!”

“Fuck off.” She laughed as she walked away. “I love you!”

They were finally alone.

“It’s late. You should probably get home.” Katniss said as she tried to stand up. Peeta pulled her back to his chest.

“I am home.”

“Peeta. Be serious.”

“I am serious.”

“You can’t stay over here. In case you forgot, you are still the mayor.”

“It’s illegal to stay over at my girlfriend’s place?” Katniss couldn’t help but smile at the title.

“You know, Jo is really adamant on us having sex tonight. She’s so nosy. Even back then. The couple of times you stayed with us I just know she was sitting outside my room so she could hear us.”

“I doubt she would need to sit outside your door. Your neighbors two houses down could probably hear you.”

“What?” Katniss genuinely looked dumbfounded.

“Katniss. Honey, you have to know what I’m talking about.”

“Enlighten me.”

“Well…you’re a screamer.”

“Excuse me? I am not!” Peeta laughed.

“That isn’t a bad thing. I love itl. I’m just saying quickies in public places won’t be a thing for us.” Katniss hit his chest playfully as a deep red blush spread across her cheeks.

“That is so embarrassing!”

“No.” He took one of her hands and rested it on his thigh. A gasp left her mouth when she felt his cock under his jeans, already growing hard. “Just the thought of it makes me hard.” A sly smile spread across her lips.

“I think I’ll have you screaming my name first.” Peeta groaned as she unbuckled his pants and stroked his cock slowly.

“I love a challenge.”

“Challenge accepted.”

* * *

“Katniss, have you seen my tie?” Peeta was on his knees searching under the bed and along the bedroom floor searching for the last part of his outfit.

“You mean the one that has been sitting on the couch for three days?” Peeta looked up to find Katniss standing in the doorway, his elusive tie dangling between her fingers. His attention instantly went to _her_. She was wearing those jeans that were just a little too tight and a green V-neck, and—

“Peeta Mellark, do not look at me like that!”

“Like what?”

“Like you want to devour me.”

“I can’t help it.” He jumped to his feet as she sprinted from the room. He chased her around her apartment until he caught her, lifting her up in his arms and spinning her around. Her laughter was so deep and genuine and _real_. It was the small moments like this that he had been craving his entire life.

“It’s time to leave the love bubble.”

“Ugh. Don’t make me.”

“You have a very important vote coming up! You need to get focused. We'll figure out the _us_ of it all later.” His phone vibrated again on the kitchen counter. This was probably the fifth time Haymitch had called in the past fifteen minutes. “Peeta.” He didn’t put Katniss down. He held her up as she wrapped her legs and arms around him as answered the phone.

“Is the world on fire?” Peeta answered.

“Yes.” The blood in his veins suddenly went cold at the sound of her voice.

“Nina?”

“Hey. The world is on fire.” Peeta could hear Haymitch yelling about something in the background, clearly too riled up to make this call himself. It must be bad.

“I’m on my way out the door. I can be at the office in thirty minutes.”

“Sooner would be better.” Her tone was distant and all business and he didn’t blame her. Even though their romantic relationship fell apart, she never left his cabinet. After successfully running his campaign, she stayed on as his Director of Communications.

“See you soon.” Peeta hung up. Katniss was eyeing him nervously.

“Everything OK?” She asked as he put her down. There would be a time to tell Katniss about Nina and how they still work together and just stopped hooking up six months ago. Now was not the time.

“Yeah. I should go, though.” Peeta grabbed the rest of his things and walked to the door. When he was almost out, Katniss stopped him.

“You’re forgetting something.” He was confused. As he moved his mouth to ask the question, her lips found his in a gentle kiss. It was a promise of more to come. “Have a good day.” Suddenly his heart grew three thousand times its size.

“I love you. Say it back.” Katniss smiled and kissed him again.

“I fucking love you.”

* * *

Peeta barely got his foot in the door of his office before Haymitch and Nina started shouting at him.

“You’re late. Per usual.” Haymitch spat.

“Hi. Hello. How are you? I’m doing alright, thanks for asking _Haymitch_.” Peeta spat back.

“Everyone put your dicks away. We all know I have the biggest one in the room.” Nina sat behind the desk and began typing on the computer. Peeta took a moment to look her over. It wasn’t as vibrant as when they first met, but her curls were still stained purple. Her all-black pantsuit was perfectly tailored for her body, hugging her hips in the right places.

“Stop checking me out, Mellark.” Peeta quickly turned his head to the window, hoping Haymitch didn’t notice the blush spreading across his face.

“What is the emergency? Did Snow find a new way to cockblock the vote on the stimulus bill?”

“Not exactly…” Haymitch’s voice was suddenly soft. He was tiptoeing around something.

“He’s such a power-hungry fuck. He doesn’t care about 12-Ward. I want him gone.”

“He feels the same way about you.” Nina chimed in from behind the computer.

“Only one of us is the mayor. Last time I checked it was me—“ He was cut off by a voice coming from the computer. It was so familiar that he thought he was having a stroke.

“ _Peeta Mellark, I love you_.” Peeta raced behind the desk to look at the screen. The quality of the video made it clear that they were being purposefully watched. It was footage from the night of the town hall. The camera was zoomed in so close that he felt like he was right back there. Katniss’s hands resting on his face holding him steady. The tears that were staining both their cheeks. _“I loved you then, and I love you now. I tried to stop and it didn’t work. I’m stuck.”_ And then, for the first time in a decade, their lips touch.

“Where did you get this?” Peeta’s entire body was hot. He could feel the sweat forming behind his ears.

“I cannot believe you are _this_ big of an idiot! The council vote on the bill is next week and you couldn’t keep it together long enough to get this bill passed?” Haymitch was fuming. He couldn’t stand still when he was like this. He kept pacing back and forth around the room.

“Haymitch, you promised not to overreact.” Nina’s voice was steady. Always the voice of reason.

“He just threw his legacy down the toilet. And for what?”

“Be very careful with what you say next, Haymitch.” Peeta warned. “Who would have me followed?” Nina looked at him as if he were an idiot.

“If you resign or can’t do your job, who takes over?” _Oh fuck_.

“You have to be fucking kidding me.” Peeta walked to the other side of the room and punched his fist to the wall. His wrist should be screaming, but the anger-fueled adrenaline was pushing him through it.

“He has been lurking. Waiting for you to drop the ball. You just fumbled.” Haymitch finally stopped pacing. It was Peeta’s turn to anxiously move around the room.

“He wants you to resign before the vote. If you don’t, he drops the video and starts a smear campaign. He’s going to come after your family. Katniss’s family. The house.” _No…not the kids. Snow can’t be that heartless. Could he?_ Reading the question in his eyes, Nina nodded her head. “He would.”

“What do you think I should do?” He turned to Haymitch who was substantially calmer now. Haymitch sighed as he rubbed circles on his temples. “I need your help on this one, Haymitch.”

“Kid. I don’t see a way out on this. Snow has done this before. Remember Mayor Coin?” Peeta searched his memory for her. “You all were probably in middle school. She was one hell of a mayor. The entire town loved her but Snow felt threatened by her. Suddenly there were whispers of infidelity in her marriage. A few weeks later images were leaked of her wife out and about with another woman. Credit card statements were released. Snow pushed the narrative that she was using taxpayer money to silence her wife’s infidelities. It was a mess.”

“Nina?” As tough a woman she was, the pain was evident on her face. After finding out Katniss was back in 12-Ward, he spiraled out. They lasted a few more months before she broke things off. It felt like she was kicking him while he was already down, but she made the right decision. It took some time, but he eventually reached back out to her for a truce. He had already announced he was running for mayor and she wasn’t a quitter, so she accepted his apology and got right to work. They kept things platonic during the campaign and they were even becoming friends. When the ballots were all counted and he was officially the mayor-elect, something shifted and they got back together. They’ve been on and off ever since. Three months here, six months there. It was a troubling cycle that always left them both burnt out. When they rekindled a few months ago, Peeta made a pact with himself to make it work. That it would be the real deal this time around.

Then the charity gala happened.

“On a personal level? I say tell him to go fuck himself. As your communications director? You need to play ball.”

“I am not resigning and I am not taking the bill off the table. I refuse to be a piece in Snow’s fucked up game.”

“I don’t know what is happening between you and Katniss. Past, present, whatever. I do not care. What I do care about is getting you both out of this with your livelihoods intact.” _Oh fuck. Katniss_.

“We have to tell her. This can’t touch her or the house.”

“It’s a bit late for that. She will be Snow’s first target.”

“How is this even blackmail? Neither of us is married. There is no story here.” He didn’t think it was possible, but the energy in the room got even darker. Nina sighed as she picked up a file from the desk and handed it to him. The moment he saw Katniss’s name on the top of the page his heart dropped to the floor.

Katniss’s medical records from her pregnancy were in the folder. Every sonogram and every doctor’s visit was right here in the folder. The fact that he was seeing such intimate information, information that in a way was related to him, was making him sick.

"How...How did he get this? What the _fuck_."

“You personally increased funding to her non-profit. Held a _gala_ for it. Spend the majority of your time not in the cabinet with the kids. He is going to pull the same trick he did on Coin. Favoritism. Misuse of city resources. It may not be strong, but it will be enough to raise doubt.” Haymitch prophesized. “That’s what I would do.”

“It will have more blowback on Katniss. He’s going to play the adulteress angle. Teenage pregnancy that you both swept under the rug. That with all the new footage? He’s going to make it seem like she’s fucking you for funding. I assume she isn’t doing that?” God, when Nina wanted to hurt she could stick the knife in at the perfect angle.

“You have every right to be pissed at me, but do not take it out on Katniss. She didn’t do anything wrong. Neither of us did.”

“Right or wrong doesn’t matter now. You have a choice to make: love or your legacy?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. I know it's been a decade and a half. Thank you for sticking around.  
> 2\. I tried to make it a simple happy love bubble chapter but...it's like I am incapable of NOT adding angst LOL


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